I am feeling pretty good and keeping busy with the seemingly endless list of home renos. I am approaching things differently than in the past. Maybe reality has clicked in and I can see things for what they are. I am a reasonably handy guy and can do a lot of things around the house myself. In the distant past taking on a major project didn’t deter me in the slightest. I am reasonably good at home type projects and did a pretty good job in a reasonable length of time.
As my health over all declined so have my physical limitations. It seemed to take my mind a while to catch up with and accept that fact. I still had no hesitation about taking on a big project, hey this is something I can do. Often it seemed though I would get into the project and the reality of my limitations would only then hit me. I seemed to become over whelmed at the enormity of the task as I was reminded of my limitations by the slow speed of my progress. I became discouraged, disheartened and even felt feelings or uselessness. With a sort of tail between my legs sort of attitude I turned to family for help, which was always freely given.
I think I have finally been able to close that chapter in my life. I see a project (Vi is very good at coming up with them for me) and I am still willing to take them on. I just look at them differently, I look at them through realistic Bill eyes and take into account working at Bill speed. In one way I have lowered the expectations I have put on myself. Being, fine a few years ago maybe this job I could have completed in a day. That was then and now is now. Today maybe that same job, repainting the kitchen again will take me 2 weeks but so what. I CAN DO IT.
This past few months have been tough ones for me and I have really struggled with several issues, this expectations thing being just one of them. I am not sure if this even makes sense but it seems for me to function, I do need to have expectations of myself, push myself to do something productive or it is like I have already given up on life and I am just not prepared to do that. So I need to have expectations of myself but realistic expectations based on what I can do today. Does that make sense.