My doctors it seems have been wrestling with the decision as to what exactly to do with me. It has been decided for the moment anyway to do nothing, with follow up appointments towards the end of August.I have had no input into this decision but I do have complete trust and confidence in my doctors and their skills and ability.
It surprises me when I seem to surprise others by the way I am living my life. Example, the other day I was out cutting the grass and was at the time taking one of my rest breaks, huffing and puffing trying to catch my breath. A concerned neighbor approached me asking if I was OK and should I be doing this (cutting the grass). I thanked him for the concern and assured him I was just catching my breath.
That short exchange got me thinking. I am not dead yet and until I am, I am going to carry on living life as much as I can and that does include things like cutting the grass. Our home is just on a normal city sized lot. There was a time when I could cut the grass front and back in maybe half an hour. Now it takes me about 3 hours with all my little rest breaks, but so what. The important thing to me is I can still do it and I am still doing what I can. To me something as simple as cutting the grass is living life. That I am going to continue doing and if I have anything so say about it, I will still be cutting my grass years from now.
I am not sure if what I just said there makes much sense. Like, “whoopee he can cut his grass, big deal.” Well to me it is a big deal, cutting that grass does take a lot out of me. It would be much “easier” for me to just retreat to my comfy chair and spend the day between reading, watching TV and visiting the blog and there are MANY days when that is what I do. I am at peace with myself and content when that is how my day goes. I have come to realize as we all should that energy levels can vary from day to day, what I was able to accomplish yesterday may well beyond my ability today. That does apply to everyone in every day life. Do the best you can each day but don’t expect “perfection” each and every day. That is something though that families of terminal or very ill patients should understand. No that is something everyone should understand aboout everyone in life. I am doing the best I can today but that very well may not be the same as my best either yesterday or even tomorrow.
Very very few people want to die. They cherish their lives as they have them and don’t want to loose them. I ask this question, if you don’t want to give up your life as it is precious to you, why would you consider giving up really living it right up to that last breath? If we value our lives, our time so very much that we fear loosing it, why are we wasting so much of it? A moment spent in anger or any other feelings of negativity ar moments of potential happiness lost forever. Just think about that and let me know what you think.
Dying mans daily journal 
Bill, I stand before you, humbled, and courtesy with deep respect. What a tremendous attitude…not only to live life cherishing moments, but also to share that with the world. Thank you.
Being a Hospice Companion, it is such an affirmation to learn of your fabulous attitude that seems to kick the legs out from under fear. Good for you.
May I have the strength and insight to be of similar stature and state! – Amy
hi Amy, I thank you for stopping by and leaving such a kind comment. I commend you on the hospice work. Hospice is a truly wonderful organization, my dear Vi volunteered for them for quite some time.
A positive attitude, I see as being the most important thing not only for me but for everyone. As with every thing in live it does take work and even practice. I conscioulsy work at it, but believe me I do have my times.
Dear Bill,
You said: “I do have complete trust and confidence in my doctors and their skills and ability.”
Sorry, but you are wrong…
http://blog.studiometamorphoses.com/?p=1948
Sincerely,
Caroline
Hello and welcome Caroline. I have checked out your site and will be returning.
my husband was very ill for 8 yrs..his attitude was the same..i will do everything i can do each and every day. just keep doing..i can say it means a lot to the family to see your loved one press on..thanks for your blog..
hello Mee, welcome to the blog and I thank you for your comment. I am so sorry to hear of your husband’s struggle, He was obviously a good and strong man. I hope you will feel free to share more going forward.
Bill
Thanks Bill for sharing your thoughts so eloquently. You help to make me feel better about doing what I can, and not getting too hung up about what is not possible any given day. Hope there are lots of good days for you, when you can cut the grass or potter in the garden.
Hello Freda, it is so nice to hear from you. If my words in anyway make you feel better, then I am so very glad. All we can do is keep plugging away doing our best each day and realize and accept that our best efforts may vary from day to day.
Bill
Seems a sound attitude to me. My dad has a dodgy heart and I know that for him, too, it matters to do things for himself. I think it’s almost liberating for him to do something that makes him feel useful and also, however small it may be; an achievement is an achievement and it makes a person feel good.
And what you said about good days and bad days, is a good thought, I’ll try to remember that and I’ll pass it on to my Mum, too.
Thanks.
BC
Hi BC as always so nice to hear from you. Your father is in my prayers. You are right, it does give a sense of accomplishment when we are able to complete a task, any task even one that a few years ago we would have just taken for granted.
I’m thinking of a name change maybe for this Blog maybe to A Man Living Fully Daily Journal of Life.
When I read your blog I am reminded many times to not waste the day and to appreciate even the small things about life and to Live life fully. It is something I remind myself often.
I also think from my own learning lately that it seems to me that “IT” all of it the experiences of life are valuable and it seems one thought feeling emotion difficulty happy moment all of it is valuable and interconnected. With having chronic pain myself I have learned that even when things or life is not going well, it doesn’t mean I can’t be in a good mood or feel happy inside. My circumstances are not necessarily reflective of how I feel. And sometime even when things are not going well, or when I am not physically feeling well I can still feel peace. I hope that made sense.
That makes perfect sense, good for you in having such a wonderful attitude and out look on life.
Bill
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Bill
I don’t know, Bill… I hesitate on what to say about the choice to ‘do nothing’ today. I don’t imagine that’s a comforting choice, but neither was the other option.
I know. ‘It is what it is.’
Nowhere does it say I have to like it to accept things being where they are. (darn good thing ‘liking it’ isn’t required)
But I’m all about getting up and doing what’s in front of me, no matter the circumstances. Elsewise I’m stuck, which is a bad place for me. Depression and self pity don’t serve me today…waste of time and energy. And I know you’re not into wasting your moments any more than I am.
I understand the concern of the neighbor–bless his heart. (no pun intended)
Sometimes I concede and let the neighbor do FOR me–cuz it’s kindly he’d want to, cuz there are other things I can do as well….cuz his random act of kindness really do bring good things to his life and it’s ‘okay’ to let people care about me. (yeah yeah…that’s a toughie for me some moments)
So–every once in a while, I let ’em. It’s good for me and it’s good for them.
Just for the record, I’da asked too.
Cuz…
((((((( Bill )))))))
hi Mel, I am like you, if something is going to happen or needs to happen, let’s do it now and get it over with. Waiting not knowing is the hardest thing. I have prayed about it, placed myself in God’s hands and with that I know what ever is best for me will come to be. The Serenity prayer comes to mind often.
I have no time to waste on negativity. I say that in part to re-enforce that idea in my head, I am struggling with it somewhat. If anything I have a great urge to get many things done as quickly as possible. Not in a panicy way or anything like that just a need to get on with things.
I am blessed with wonderful neighbors seems I always have been.
Mel, I really do thank you for all your support.
Bill
Hi Bill, how are u doing? I was on the training for one week and just got back to home.
I totally agreed with u about ” cutting grass is also a big deal in the life.” In fact, our life is not just about our existence as a body, because body will gone anyway ( from this perspective, we all are dying since we were born, so it is not big deal..). What make our life more important is what we did in our life. I mean if I give up and just do nothing, I am as the same as dead. as long as we live, we should make our everyday valuable: make u self happy and make others happy, and when the day came, we won’t feel sad or sorry or hard to leave because we are not alone.
Best wishes for u, my friend.
Hi Frank, it is nice to see you back. you are right. What is the most important thing is how we live our lives, how we spend our precious time.
Since Father’s Day is tomorrow, Bill, I wanted to say that any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a DAD. I can tell that you are DAD material. I know because I had one and he talked a lot like you. His name was even Bill…
With love for you on this day, whether you are a father or not – Amy
Thank you Amy, I am indeed a dad. I have two wonderful daughters and two equally wonderful granddaughters. All are true Princesses within the realms of my heart.
You are stubborn like I am, Bill! 🙂 Your grass-cutting story sounds a lot like some of the things I insisted on doing when my rheumatoid arthritis had all but crippled me (fortunately, after starting a new RA medication in January, I am now doing very well, but for about three or four years prior I was living with debilitating chronic pain). I still insisted on doing everything — taking my dog for his daily walks, scooping the cats’ litter boxes, doing the laundry, doing the grocery shopping, dishes, etc. It took me a lot longer to do all of those things, and it hurt a lot, but as long as I physically *could* do them, by golly, I was going to do them!
I know this new medication isn’t going to work forever (these types of meds tend to work for awhile and then your body develops antibodies to them and they become ineffective) and the pain will be back eventually, but I’m enjoying feeling better while it lasts! And when the pain returns, I’ll still insist on doing everything for myself. 🙂