In the past few weeks I as apparently are others, have gone back and started reading some of my earlier posts. This is something I haven’t done before and I am really not sure why. I don’t even read the post I have just written, it just comes out and up it goes exactly as is. I do use spell checker thank goodness.
Reading back has been good for me, it shows me how much my mind set has changed, how much I have evolved I guess. I started blogging in Sept/06 and at that time in my mind I was pretty certain I wouldn’t even make it until Christmas. Huh, now here I am 4 years later and still going amybe not going quite as strong but still going. In my mind I now see myself still going for years to come. That change of mindset or of thinking is about as complete a turn around as you can get.
Reading back I can see it slowly taking place. I am a slow learner it seems as it most certainly didn’t happen over night. It was I suppose a process. It was a little unsettling waking up every morning wondering if today was my last, or when going to sleep wondering if I would wake up. Thank goodness I got past that. Today I never have those kind of thoughts. I just live my life as best I can knowing I am in God’s hands and am comfortable with that.
Some of my thinking has changed another part has not. Here is a copy of a post I made back at the beginning, a portion of my Oct 12/06 post:
A man is dying and some friends and family are starting to avoid him. Some it reminded them of their own mortality, but for many it was fear.
Fear of saying the wrong thing. How sad that they would miss spending time with someone special to them out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Doing that and you are depriving both of you of possible quality time, that you will never have again. Now, I can only speak for myself, and here I am yacking to the whole world that I am dying. But, in normal private life that topic will not come up, unless someone asks me a direct question about it. To this question I will reply as directly and honestly as I can. What are you afraid of, afraid you may something to upset me. Afraid you might blurt out something upsetting like “you are dying”, well quess what, I already know that, how upsetting could it be if you tell me something I already know.
Don’t be shy, embarassed or hesitant don’t let feelings go unexpressed or words unsaid, you well may regret it later. I may have things I want to say to you, if I do please just listen. I may try to talk of some past event and you may try to brush it off as nothing. Let me have my say, you don’t know, it could be weighing on me, something I need to get out while I have the chance.
Others may just feel uncomfortable just being around a dying person. Suck it up, and at least give it a try. I think you will be surprised at how quickly that uncomfortable feeling will disappear once you begin actually talking.
Talk to me and treat me like any other person. Do not spend the entire visit trying to comfort me. I am no different than anyone else. I am dying but so is everyone, some just faster than others. Really, who is to know with traffic accidents etc. I may live longer than you.
Lets just have an enjoyable comfortable visit.