Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Relationships with the dying

I have copied over the reply I made to a heart felt comment left by Regina, yesterday. While I was in the comment section I actually read my responce and realized i really need the help of spell checker.

Hi Bill – i came across your blog last week, while searching for something to help me cope. my boyfriend is dying and has decided to not tell anyone. he is off enjoying life…his bucket list i suppose. he has shut me out of his life…apologizing for dragging me into his mess and suggests i just hate him. as awful as i feel for myself…i grieve for him. reading your words have brought me peace. describing grief as waves on the beach is so true. i am trying to adapt and process my new life and you are helping me. i pray for you and thank you.

<strong> Hi Regina and welcome to my blog. I am so very sorry to hear of your situation and of that of your boyfriend.It is such a tragic and painful situation for you both, you are in my prayers.
I am very glad my words were able to bring you some peace. Just hearing that makes all my efforts here worth while.
Regina, I remind you I am not a doctor, a man of the clergy or any sort of therapy. I am just a regular guy sitting at his computer sharing his thoughts based on personal experience. Remember free advice is usually worth about as much as you pay for it.

Facing death is likely the most difficult thing we will ever do while on this earth, especially so I suppose if it is our own. It is a very personal time filled with fear, dread and regret. Each of us in turn will deal with it in our own way. i don’t think there is an overall right of wrong way just individual and very personal ways to prepare yourself for your own passing, or even for the passing of a loved one.
I can’t explain you boyfriends chosen path other than to assume he is doing what he feels is right at this time. His thinking may change with time but then again it may not. That is up to him and really there is nothing anyone can do about it.
This is difficult and very painful for you, I know. You desperately want to be there to provide what ever support and comfort you can. For reasons of his own he is not ready or prepared to accept that. All you can do is step  back, let him know your love and support is there for him if and when he is ready to accept it.
There is one very important thing you really must do. Take care of yourself. You are hurting, you are grieving Look to yourself,I am so very happy to hear you are working to adapt and process this new life of yours. Irregardless of what happens with your boyfriend you have a life to live. A life that will hopefully span many many years into the future, work towards making them healthy happy years for yourself. If at some point in time in the future your boyfriend’s thinking changes a health you will be able to provide him with even better support,if in fact still feel a need to do so. Just, please don’t let that possibility be your reason for working on yourself, do it for yourself.
On my blog roll listed on the right hand side of this page, you will see a site, hospice. I urge you to click on that site. It has a wealth of information for the families or loved ones of those with a terminal illness.
You are in my prayers and I wish you the very best. I hope you will feel free to return here to her blog and share on going thoughts and feelings as you progress though this most difficult time.
You are both in my heart, thoughts and prayers.

I thought I was finished, but this post has some deep meaning to me,  something that I myself struggle with. Regina, I am not trying to speak for you boyfriend. I have no idea as to his thoughts. One part of your comment is something I really can relate to personally.He appolgized for dragging you into this mess of his. Those few words really hit home with me.

For reasons known only to the Good Lord, He has chosen to grant me extra time on this earth. I consider that to be a blessing as I know does my family. I am not sure how to word this but in a very minor way I suppose you could say it is a bit of a mixed blessing. What do I mean by that?I have said so very many times I believe it is harder on the families, forced to sit back helplessly, unable to do anything but watch, wait and worry. Vi has mentioned there have been times when she has been out shopping or what ever. When she has come home, she has been reluctant almost afraid to come into the house. afraid of how she will find me or I suppose better put would be in what condition would she find me. She fears coming in and finding me face down on the floor. I really do try my best to put everyone’s minds at ease but my reality is my reality. it could be said there is a “price” to be paid for everything. In this case I do know it is a “price” all are willing to pay.


5 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Relationships with the dying

  1. regina says:

    Hi Bill – I can’t express enough how your words have uplifted me. I guess they make me feel less alone. I don’t think I have felt so many emotions at one time. I feel foolish when I am sad for me…what he (you and others) are going thru is so much more. Some days I am just mad, but try and keep that inside. A week or so ago I started a journal…I’m hand writing mine and it does help. I try and list 5 things I am grateful for…my health is always on top – now I will add you. I thank you again for your kind words of encouragement and for your blog…I am almost thru 2007. I will promise to you that I will take care of myself. God bless you and the inspiration you freely give.

    Hi Regina, blogging/keeping a journal has been a wonderful benefit for me. I encourage uyou to keep it up. You are reading all the way through the blog wow, that is a lot of reading. Please keep in touch letting me know how you are doing.

  2. Irene says:

    Dear Bill,
    Message to Regina: You’ll quickly know why I call Bill “Wiseman”. He’s helped me out about a billion times.
    Thinking of you daily…praying for you always, Wiseman.

    Irene my dear friend, you are just to kind

  3. regina says:

    Hi Bill and Irene….thanks so much! 🙂

    Hi Regina, we are just glad you are here

  4. Mel says:

    I’m glad Vi feels she can just say what’s true for her. And I’m glad that you’re able to let her. Cuz that’s hard–easy to want to just carry on and not address ‘the elephant in the room’. I know you know what I mean. ((((((( Bill and Vi ))))))))

    And Regina–welcome.
    Hard as the circumstances are, I’m glad to hear you’re doing some things to take care of YOU.
    I echo what Bill shared. We each grieve in our own way–it’s a very personal thing. And you’re doing your own grieving, in your own way. He’s doing the best he can with what’s going on in his life at the moment….everything sort of goes upside-down for a bit–accepting our own mortality and discovering you’re in the process of dying is powerful stuff. I’m sure you know that…..you’re experiencing it through him.

    Allowing someone to ‘be there’ in the journey is pretty threatening for some….it was horribly threatening for me. Some folks are good at it and it comes easier to them. I’m not one of them. LOL I’m a ‘do it yourself’ kinda gal. And I’m acutely aware of what it could/will potentially mean for the other person. My brain tells me ‘that’s not cool’– and then there’s the people around me who tell me I’ve no right to cheat people out of being there for me because they care about me. Of course, I like to think I’m right…it’s convenient, it looks less painful for every one involved.
    It looks lonely and scary.
    But it looks doable.

    Letting other people care about you while you’re in a helplessly unchangeable state that’s going to get messy…….doesn’t look so enticing. And it looks horribly difficult at a time when everything else is horribly difficult……

    We get to decide for ourselves, if we’re graced to get ‘notice’ of our passing. I’m not sure it always feels like ‘graced’, but knowing gives you opportunities in the interim. And we each get to decide what we want to do in that interim. And boy–that’s a very difficult, hard call to make…for the one who’s dying and the ones who love them.

    I’m glad to hear you’re doing some things for you in the process–cuz really, you’re the best you there is. And it’s hard to accept the facts surrounding his choice. It also brings up the mortality issue in a hugely personal way. Which is why I’m glad to hear you’re giving Bill’s weblog a good read.
    And sticking around is good–there’s a reminder about living that happens here that’s good for a body, no matter the state of their physical health.

    Besides–I’m thinking the more the merrier! 😉
    Take care of you, Regina. (all that rambling on and that’s still the bottom line….LOL) And stick around–we’re kinda fun folks to hang with!

    hi Mel, you are so right about the big elephant in the room. So often even to often it is easier to just tip toe around it pretending not to see it. Though something of that size is pretty hard not to see.
    Excellent comment to Regina, you wisdom is showing through again.

    • regina says:

      Hi Mel – I thank you so much for your words. What I am going thru is the hardest thing I have ever faced. When I said that Dean has shut me out…I mean he is gone and won’t talk to me. My fear is that I will never see him again and that he will pass and I won’t know. Of course my fears for him are greater and I try every day not to judge his decision. Its almost like he has already passed but i take comfort knowing he is trying to live his life. he is 45 and retired so he has time to do what he feels he needs to do…spending time with his children. I come home from work and his stuff is there. Part of me wants to box it up but part of me wants to leave it as is for when he comes home. I find comfort here and am greateful I was lead to this blog. Bless you and Bill. Life is indeed good.

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