Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thank God for 2009

I sit here with a feeling that is hard to describe. Maybe awe or wonderment would be good words to describe it. Another year, 2009 is coming to an end and I AM STILL HERE. I think back over the past 4 or 5 years. There were indeed many many times when I never thought I would make it this long. I suppose it must have largely depended on my mood of the moment which too often I still allow to be determined by how I am feeling that particular day. I am getting better at it. I know attitude is everything. A good strong positive attitude will carry you far and through much. I do know that and try to work at it, but it is at times easier said than done. I realize that when my attitude is suffering a little it is indeed time to retreat to the meditation chair. That chair does wonders for me.

What did 2009 give me. Well there was that heart attack and that wasn’t very much fun. There was that stomach virus thing, diarrhea for 3 straight months, well that wasn’t very much fun. Finding myself continually have to adjust my thinking to accept reduced physical limitations, that is no fun. Hearing of the passing of a high school friend. Geesh, what kind of a year was 2009?

Well there are always 2 ways to look at everything and I look at 2009 as being a great year.

What did 2009 bring me:

Hey, 2009 is the year I survived my 5th heart attack, now how great is that.

Three straight months of not feeling well and having diarrhea. It was a wonderful learning experience for me as a person. Spirits sagged after what seemed to be endless days of not feeling well. I tried to comfort myself with thoughts such as there are so many that have it so much worse than I. That actually did work for a while, but as it dragged on, I found myself thinking more and more. Other people have it worse, well that is too bad. But I don’t care right now, I am feeling like crap and am sick and tired of feeling this way. As I knew I would I eventually got over it.

Well what did I learn from that. For me 2 very big things. Actually, I already knew them but I obviously needed a reminder or to have them re enforced in my mind.

What was I reminded of. So very often I write about the importance of attitude. Now I do believe every once in a while when feeling sick we are indeed entitled to a poor me DAY but that we should indeed try to limit the poor me to a day or two. I had this thing long enough that it became obvious that at least to some extent I could at least help determine how I would feel physically through the day. On days my thoughts went to poor me, I physically felt worse than I did when I got on top of the attitude thing.

Secondly, it gave me a better understanding of or empathy for what others are going through. I had this thing for 3 months. Imagine having like a mild flu that last for 3 months. It wears on you, it wears you down. There “MAY’ have been a few days when I became a little “CRANKY”. I realize there are so many that have it so much worse than I did. They are entitled to the occasional “cranky” day and who know how much more.

I do believe the Good Lord will present us with opportunities to learn and grow as people. These opportunities may come in the most unexpected ways. I will call this flu like thing I had the flu. Doctors did tests and were unable to determine what was causing my symptoms.

When I am presented with a “challenge” of what ever sort it may be. I do look for opportunities to learn and grow from it. I don’t always see what ever lesson it is that is there for me to learn. But I do look.

Now I think of this “flu” thing I had. No at no time did I ever consider it to be more than some sort of really annoying virus. I never thought of it as life threatening or anything of the sort. Yet, with time it wore me down and I “MAY” have become a little “CRANKY” some days, I just wanted it over with, enough is enough all ready.

My thoughts turned to those that do indeed have it so much worse than I did. Through out it all I did know I would in time get better, there was al light at the end of my tunnel. There are so very many terrible diseases that can and do strike so many down. Many suffer terribly month after month and for them there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope of ever feeling better. How it must wear them down. I have a much  better understanding of the “cranky” day here and there.

Back to my flu thing. I don’t know what it was. What I do know is that, I learned two life lessons from it. I do know that as this become clearer and clearer in my head, the flu went away. It seemed to come out of no where and disappeared the same way, suddenly just gone. Coincidence possibly, life lesson learned definitely which make me grateful to have had the “flu”

As I write I do try to encourage the positive attitude. That is so very important both if you are the one that is ill or if you are with someone that is ill. Or just in life in general. Life is not always easy, living while knowing you are dying is not always easy, living with someone you know is dying is not easy. An occasional cranky day is understandable. To many such days and you are hurting yourself and all around you.

I have more to say about my year, but in my usual rambling style have rambled on enough to tire myself right out. Part 2 will be coming