Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thank God for 2009

I sit here with a feeling that is hard to describe. Maybe awe or wonderment would be good words to describe it. Another year, 2009 is coming to an end and I AM STILL HERE. I think back over the past 4 or 5 years. There were indeed many many times when I never thought I would make it this long. I suppose it must have largely depended on my mood of the moment which too often I still allow to be determined by how I am feeling that particular day. I am getting better at it. I know attitude is everything. A good strong positive attitude will carry you far and through much. I do know that and try to work at it, but it is at times easier said than done. I realize that when my attitude is suffering a little it is indeed time to retreat to the meditation chair. That chair does wonders for me.

What did 2009 give me. Well there was that heart attack and that wasn’t very much fun. There was that stomach virus thing, diarrhea for 3 straight months, well that wasn’t very much fun. Finding myself continually have to adjust my thinking to accept reduced physical limitations, that is no fun. Hearing of the passing of a high school friend. Geesh, what kind of a year was 2009?

Well there are always 2 ways to look at everything and I look at 2009 as being a great year.

What did 2009 bring me:

Hey, 2009 is the year I survived my 5th heart attack, now how great is that.

Three straight months of not feeling well and having diarrhea. It was a wonderful learning experience for me as a person. Spirits sagged after what seemed to be endless days of not feeling well. I tried to comfort myself with thoughts such as there are so many that have it so much worse than I. That actually did work for a while, but as it dragged on, I found myself thinking more and more. Other people have it worse, well that is too bad. But I don’t care right now, I am feeling like crap and am sick and tired of feeling this way. As I knew I would I eventually got over it.

Well what did I learn from that. For me 2 very big things. Actually, I already knew them but I obviously needed a reminder or to have them re enforced in my mind.

What was I reminded of. So very often I write about the importance of attitude. Now I do believe every once in a while when feeling sick we are indeed entitled to a poor me DAY but that we should indeed try to limit the poor me to a day or two. I had this thing long enough that it became obvious that at least to some extent I could at least help determine how I would feel physically through the day. On days my thoughts went to poor me, I physically felt worse than I did when I got on top of the attitude thing.

Secondly, it gave me a better understanding of or empathy for what others are going through. I had this thing for 3 months. Imagine having like a mild flu that last for 3 months. It wears on you, it wears you down. There “MAY’ have been a few days when I became a little “CRANKY”. I realize there are so many that have it so much worse than I did. They are entitled to the occasional “cranky” day and who know how much more.

I do believe the Good Lord will present us with opportunities to learn and grow as people. These opportunities may come in the most unexpected ways. I will call this flu like thing I had the flu. Doctors did tests and were unable to determine what was causing my symptoms.

When I am presented with a “challenge” of what ever sort it may be. I do look for opportunities to learn and grow from it. I don’t always see what ever lesson it is that is there for me to learn. But I do look.

Now I think of this “flu” thing I had. No at no time did I ever consider it to be more than some sort of really annoying virus. I never thought of it as life threatening or anything of the sort. Yet, with time it wore me down and I “MAY” have become a little “CRANKY” some days, I just wanted it over with, enough is enough all ready.

My thoughts turned to those that do indeed have it so much worse than I did. Through out it all I did know I would in time get better, there was al light at the end of my tunnel. There are so very many terrible diseases that can and do strike so many down. Many suffer terribly month after month and for them there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope of ever feeling better. How it must wear them down. I have a much  better understanding of the “cranky” day here and there.

Back to my flu thing. I don’t know what it was. What I do know is that, I learned two life lessons from it. I do know that as this become clearer and clearer in my head, the flu went away. It seemed to come out of no where and disappeared the same way, suddenly just gone. Coincidence possibly, life lesson learned definitely which make me grateful to have had the “flu”

As I write I do try to encourage the positive attitude. That is so very important both if you are the one that is ill or if you are with someone that is ill. Or just in life in general. Life is not always easy, living while knowing you are dying is not always easy, living with someone you know is dying is not easy. An occasional cranky day is understandable. To many such days and you are hurting yourself and all around you.

I have more to say about my year, but in my usual rambling style have rambled on enough to tire myself right out. Part 2 will be coming

6 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thank God for 2009

  1. sanna says:

    hi, i’m sanna , 22 years old from sweden.
    i just wanted to give you a big, long hug.
    i admire you,
    and i love how you deal with your life and thoughts,
    i just wanted you to know that,
    love/ sanna.

    sanna, I thank you for the kind words and hugs are always appreciated.

  2. Cat says:

    Well said, Bill. I tend to fall into the “look on the bright side, things could be so much worse, other people have it far worse than I do, I should count my blessings” camp most of the time. Then recently, someone pointed out to me that I shouldn’t invalidate my own feelings that way; that if I am suffering, even though other people have it worse and I have much to be thankful for, I am still suffering and it’s okay to acknowledge it. It’s not a zero-sum game; I can realize that there are people who have it a lot worse than I do and still acknowledge when I have it rough. But I agree that it’s dangerous to fall into the “poor me” rut because once you do, it’s hard to climb out of it again. So now I give myself moments to feel bad if I need them, but then I get back to counting my blessings. Because I DO have so much to be thankful for! And I’d much rather spend my time being thankful than wallowing in misery.

    Cat, my friend, what you have written here is indeed very well said. No matter what our circumstance at the moment we can always look and know others have it worse and our hearts can go out to them. Knowing that however doesn’t change our own circumstances of the moment, how we are feeling physically, what our mind set is……. It is good to acknowledge our feelings andnot always expect to feel on top of the world. That is life what is that saying: “no one ever said life would be easy, just worth it.”
    In your few words you clearly made the point I was trying to get to in my rambling fashion. It is dangerous and so very easy to fall into the poor me rut and then so very difficult to get out of it. I know, I have been there and done that.
    Is life always easy, no. Do we have challenges to face, yes. Is it OK to acknowledge when we are struggling, yes. Do we want to let that get to the point where we are wallowing in poor me, no.
    Your attitude of gratitude is so right on.
    Thank you my friend

  3. laurawire says:

    Bill, your attitude is incredible. I wish you all the best, and I am so happy you are here to see 2010 arrive.

    Take care of yourself.

    Hi and welcome to the blog. Thank you for your kind wishes. I wish you all the best in 2010

  4. Mel says:

    I got accused once of ‘giving good PR for G-d’ with my attitude of gratitude.

    I had to look at that–and much like Cat, I had to find some honesty….there were times when it just plain sucked. Yup, people had it worse–yup I had things to be grateful for. Still sucked!

    Tough circumstances suck–and while I might get to the otherside and find gratitude for the lessons gleened, stuff still sucked. LOL
    It’s okay to feel everything I feel….and to be piffy with my Maker over it. I can go through what I’m going through and rest knowing there’s good in it even if it does suck!

    There’s a happy medium, human, gloriously BEING middle in all that stuff that we go through……one that allows me to feel everything I feel, get through what I gotta get through and actually allows for others AND G-d to be there for me.
    In my book, that’s cool….and that’s what works for me.
    Besides….LOL I like to whine. LOLOL

    Hi Mel, that is cool, a great way to look at things. Yes, sometimes life can suck, no denying that. It is a healthy human reaction to see it and feel it. We will struggle with the challenges life presents us, oh, I know that. Mind set and attitude will not always help us avoid issues but can help us through them.
    Thank you my friend

  5. Tasneem R says:

    Your posts are always very inspiring… Yes by accepting the reality we stay relaxed ..

    Thank you

  6. babychaos says:

    Three months of feeling crap! Holy smoke! And I’ve been winging on about having a snotty nose for a couple of weeks. I’d put myself in the glass-half-full camp though!

    Happy Christmas and all the best for a smashing 10 next year!



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