Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Urgent prayer request


I was left a comment that touched me very deeply. I know many do not read all the comments left unless they are attached to the most recent posts.

Joy is a young lady who’s mother is battling cancer. Joy has honored my, us by sharing some of her inner most feelings. I am posting her comment and asking please for prayers and comments of support.

Joy Says:
December 18, 2009 at 5:43 am

My mother has been fighting cancer for 2 years now. The cancer started in her bowl and is now in her liver and lungs…and is growing.

When i am at work i am fine. But as soon as i get home and see her my heart begins to ach and i feel like i am dying inside slowly.

People always say that i am brave, but really i am not. I am sick of the uncertainty .. of fearing the worst after each CT scan . Of watching my mother in pain!

Its not fair. You have a mother for a reason. To take care of you, to guide you through your life, to feel the joys and sadness with u. To love you just the way you are.

Its been 2 years of her fighting and she is tierd. I cherish everything about her- they way she smells, the way she smiles, the way she hugs me when she thinks i am sleeping. To think that someday i will begin to forget the way she looks or the way she speaks is unbearable for me.

I dont know how anyone who has written on this blog is coping with actually loosing someone when i can not even cope with the possibility of loosing my mother.

I am scared, that sometimes i lay awake next to her while she sleeps, listening to her breathing.. taking in the sound of her lifes breath. To not hear that sound anymore will kill me.

I am 22 years old and have an older sister who is now married and is not there anymore. I have a younger sister who keeps to herself and a younger brother who does not understand.

Last night my mum asked if she could sleep in my bed. As she lay next to me she said that she was not scared of dying if that was what God had in store for her. She said that she was scared to leave my younger sister and brother behind when they are still so young. She told me that if anything happens to take care of them first always. I promised her that i would and that she need not worry.

It took everything i had not to cry as she spoke- but as she feel asleep- i stayed awake listening to her breathing.

Fear can destroy you.

Cancer will kill you.

But faith will cure you!

… i am strong for my mum. She will never know how i feel about her cancer. She thinks that i am strong and for her i am. I will fight with her for as long as God gives her. And everyday i will thank God and pray for just one more day.

Joy

<strong> Hi Joy, I thank you so very much for taking the time to share your feelings with me and all that my read this.
Joy, your comment has touched me very deeply and I am struggling with a response. It is like I can feel your pain through your words and my heart goes out to you. Please know you, your mother, brother and sisters are in my prayers.
I have said it so very many times and I will say it again. In a situation such as you are in, it is indeed so much more difficult for the family. You are forced to sit back helplessly, so very badly wanting to do something, anything to help your mother, but knowing there is nothing you can do. That is nothing you can do in the way you would like to be able to, take away your mother’s pain, restore her health. It is heart breaking. What you are feeling is so understandable. Know you are not alone in feeling this way it is a very human reaction.
Dealing with grief or fear of a pending loss is a very personal and individual thing. We all react to it and we all show it in our own ways. I can only imagine your brother and sisters feel much as you, but are dealing with it, showing it in their own ways. Can you reach out to them or other family members for support?

Bad things can happen to good people and I can’t explain why. I hope you can find some level of comfort in knowing your mother is not afraid. She has placed herself in the hands of Our Heavenly Father and is prepared for His will to be done. Really what better place could she be, than in His hands.

Your mother sees you as the strong one, the one that will hold the family and everything together come the day when she is gone. I am sure that provides her with a level of comfort, easing her worry about leaving you all behind. Speaking for myself I know this would indeed provide me with a great level of comfort making the time so much easier for me.

As with so many things in life there is a “BUT” that comes with that. It is so wonderful to be there for your mother as you are, BUT at what cost to yourself. You are in the midst of one of the most difficult situations in life. You do need to find ways to care for yourself. This may sound selfish, but trust me it is not. You are a brave and a strong young woman, though at times like this you may not feel it. We know that as painful and difficult as this is you will get through it, one day at a time, or even one hour or one moment at a time. Even the strongest and the bravest occasionally need a shoulder to lean on. It is not a sign of weakness to seek help, seek support. You don’t have to do this all on your own, please reach out loving support is there. At times like this others are often at a loss as to what to say and end up saying nothing, in respect of what we are going through. But, that doesn’t mean they are not there ready and willing to help, even if they can do nothing but listen as you get out your feelings. Please turn to family, friends, a clergy man. All I am sure will have loving, supportive, non judgemental ears. Return here to the blog and feel free to rant and rave expressing your anger, your fears, what ever you are feeling.

Now this is very easy for me to say and difficult to do, I realize that. But, I urge you when you are able, try to put aside the feelings of grieve, fear and dread. Your mother is still at your side, try to spend some of your time together with a heart filled with love. None of us know how many moment we have on this earth, the best we can do is try to make them count.

I and  hope and pray you and your mother have a lot of time left to share in your loving ways.

You said it so well:

“Fear can destroy you.

Cancer will kill you.

But faith will cure you!”

Joy, you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.

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7 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Urgent prayer request

  1. Mel says:

    Well–I couldn’t rightly decide where to post….so I’ve chosen both places.

    Posted on “My Story”:

    ((((((((((( Joy ))))))))))))

    Ironically I’m finding your story today–on a day when I’ve spent some time being sad over growing up without a mom in my life. I understand your envy of your sister. Few memories of my mother are truly mine. Most are stolen from stories my sister has shared with me–I was 5 when my mother died.

    On the flip side, I now have a daughter a bit older than you, who grew up slipping into my bedroom at night to curl up next to me–wanting to snuggle in every warm moment she could while she watched me struggle with cancer and then leukemia. She was the ‘responsible child’–very much like you with the brave face, taking care of everything she could in hopes of lightening my burdens. Forever trying to keep things and herself ‘together’–somehow feeling that was her job in the midst of the storms. She’s told me in part, it’s what kept her sane. It was a very difficult time with very difficult circumstances–for her, for me…..for her younger brother whom she protected and tried to parent when I was incapable.

    I’m graced to still be here…..and by all ‘rights’ I should not be. I’ve been gifted remissions that were against all odds.

    Even still my daughter lives with fear–today she and I are able to talk about it.
    There was a time she wouldn’t let herself do that…not with me. But there were friends, much like the one who held you and cried with you….and they gave her permission to just ‘be where she was and to feel all she felt’. As much as I urged her to do that with me, she couldn’t let herself. I understand that today and I understood that then.

    Just as your mom understands….cuz she does.

    Yaknow–as life put difficulties in our path so did it strengthen and fortify something in me and in her….and between the two of us. I hear and feel that same stength in what you shared here–there’s something between yourself and your mother that won’t/cannot be taken from you–it will/can only be fortified and strengthened.
    You’re a wisened and loving 22 year old who’s become all that she is because of the joys and struggles in her life….because of the joyously wonderful people G-d’s made efforts to put in your path. I’m grateful for those people–and I’m grateful for the arrangements for me to find this here, today….now.

    Today is a very important day. I’ll trust that you spent it loving frequently, laughing and seeing/ feeling the love that’s being sent to you from the uncanniest of places.

    (((((((((((( Joy )))))))))))))

    And if there’s a moment when you’re needing another dose of that from folks who care about your heart–please know you can find that here.

    *sending prayers and loving warmth*

  2. Here’s is one thing I ‘know’–Joy–try to focus on the love you share every day. You and your mother do have TIME together now–even with all the pain. Consider what it is like for people who die without any warning–suddenly from violence or disease or accident. Such is a total shock to the system of body, mind and spirit. Do NOT let fear of anything control you–confront it and let go of it. Instead live in every moment you share. Plan for the future that is coming together. It can give your mother peace of mind knowing you’ve worked practical and family matter out together. It gives you both something to focus on besides the cancer. Don’t let the cancer control your hearts and minds. Try to view all of this as an exploration, a sort of adventure of your spirits learning and growing together.
    Shanti Om-

    • ps, There is a Lakota traditional grieving practice that might be useful to you and your family. When a loved one dies, a ‘bundle’ of their hair and some other important things is ‘kept’ for months or a year or whatever time is needed for all the loved ones to deal with the loss. This ‘bundle’ is kept in a place of honor and food and gifts are given to others in memory of the person. It’s a way of honoring, remembering, and gradually dealing with the physical absence of a person. More about it can be found in Ella Cara Deloria’s book Waterlily.
      All the best to everyone..

  3. Joy says:

    I am sorry i have written on the my story section. Please have a read through as you have all touched me deeply.

    Thanking you very much! I wish everyone all the best with there struggles.

  4. Cat says:

    Joy, I’m keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers. As 47whitebuffalo said, I hope that you will be able to live in and enjoy the moments that you share with her. I can’t imagine what it must be like to watch a loved one suffer through a prolonged illness. My brother died very suddenly, and while I was glad that his suffering was brief, I was also sad that I had no warning and no chance to say goodbye and tell him one more time how much I loved him. Either way, I know it’s not easy, but I do hope you will be able to make some good memories in the time you have left together.

  5. Jill says:

    Joy, my prayers are with you. It isn’t easy to watch a loved one die but please know you will never forget those things you are afraid of forgetting. They will always be in your heart and mind. Hugs!

  6. patricia says:

    joy, i also know what you are experiencing i also spent 7 months with my son, as he fought lympfoma cancer at the age of 26 years old, he did get saved and baptised..i miss him so, take and cherise every day get a video recorder..make memories even for your younger brother and sister..i hope and pray you have many years with her…but never forget the lord will keep you, and strengthen you, i lost my mother when i was 23 years old, she went home to be with the lord, then i lost my baby at 8 months, then my dad passed away with cancer.. he also got saved before his death..i now only have my 1 daughter and 6 grandsons, my daughter-in-law stayed with us with my sons 3 little boys,tht hs been such comfort to us.. i will keep you in my prayers,

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