I was left a comment that touched me very deeply. I know many do not read all the comments left unless they are attached to the most recent posts.
Joy is a young lady who’s mother is battling cancer. Joy has honored my, us by sharing some of her inner most feelings. I am posting her comment and asking please for prayers and comments of support.
December 18, 2009 at 5:43 am
My mother has been fighting cancer for 2 years now. The cancer started in her bowl and is now in her liver and lungs…and is growing.
When i am at work i am fine. But as soon as i get home and see her my heart begins to ach and i feel like i am dying inside slowly.
People always say that i am brave, but really i am not. I am sick of the uncertainty .. of fearing the worst after each CT scan . Of watching my mother in pain!
Its not fair. You have a mother for a reason. To take care of you, to guide you through your life, to feel the joys and sadness with u. To love you just the way you are.
Its been 2 years of her fighting and she is tierd. I cherish everything about her- they way she smells, the way she smiles, the way she hugs me when she thinks i am sleeping. To think that someday i will begin to forget the way she looks or the way she speaks is unbearable for me.
I dont know how anyone who has written on this blog is coping with actually loosing someone when i can not even cope with the possibility of loosing my mother.
I am scared, that sometimes i lay awake next to her while she sleeps, listening to her breathing.. taking in the sound of her lifes breath. To not hear that sound anymore will kill me.
I am 22 years old and have an older sister who is now married and is not there anymore. I have a younger sister who keeps to herself and a younger brother who does not understand.
Last night my mum asked if she could sleep in my bed. As she lay next to me she said that she was not scared of dying if that was what God had in store for her. She said that she was scared to leave my younger sister and brother behind when they are still so young. She told me that if anything happens to take care of them first always. I promised her that i would and that she need not worry.
It took everything i had not to cry as she spoke- but as she feel asleep- i stayed awake listening to her breathing.
Fear can destroy you.
Cancer will kill you.
But faith will cure you!
… i am strong for my mum. She will never know how i feel about her cancer. She thinks that i am strong and for her i am. I will fight with her for as long as God gives her. And everyday i will thank God and pray for just one more day.
<strong> Hi Joy, I thank you so very much for taking the time to share your feelings with me and all that my read this.
Joy, your comment has touched me very deeply and I am struggling with a response. It is like I can feel your pain through your words and my heart goes out to you. Please know you, your mother, brother and sisters are in my prayers.
I have said it so very many times and I will say it again. In a situation such as you are in, it is indeed so much more difficult for the family. You are forced to sit back helplessly, so very badly wanting to do something, anything to help your mother, but knowing there is nothing you can do. That is nothing you can do in the way you would like to be able to, take away your mother’s pain, restore her health. It is heart breaking. What you are feeling is so understandable. Know you are not alone in feeling this way it is a very human reaction.
Dealing with grief or fear of a pending loss is a very personal and individual thing. We all react to it and we all show it in our own ways. I can only imagine your brother and sisters feel much as you, but are dealing with it, showing it in their own ways. Can you reach out to them or other family members for support?
Bad things can happen to good people and I can’t explain why. I hope you can find some level of comfort in knowing your mother is not afraid. She has placed herself in the hands of Our Heavenly Father and is prepared for His will to be done. Really what better place could she be, than in His hands.
Your mother sees you as the strong one, the one that will hold the family and everything together come the day when she is gone. I am sure that provides her with a level of comfort, easing her worry about leaving you all behind. Speaking for myself I know this would indeed provide me with a great level of comfort making the time so much easier for me.
As with so many things in life there is a “BUT” that comes with that. It is so wonderful to be there for your mother as you are, BUT at what cost to yourself. You are in the midst of one of the most difficult situations in life. You do need to find ways to care for yourself. This may sound selfish, but trust me it is not. You are a brave and a strong young woman, though at times like this you may not feel it. We know that as painful and difficult as this is you will get through it, one day at a time, or even one hour or one moment at a time. Even the strongest and the bravest occasionally need a shoulder to lean on. It is not a sign of weakness to seek help, seek support. You don’t have to do this all on your own, please reach out loving support is there. At times like this others are often at a loss as to what to say and end up saying nothing, in respect of what we are going through. But, that doesn’t mean they are not there ready and willing to help, even if they can do nothing but listen as you get out your feelings. Please turn to family, friends, a clergy man. All I am sure will have loving, supportive, non judgemental ears. Return here to the blog and feel free to rant and rave expressing your anger, your fears, what ever you are feeling.
Now this is very easy for me to say and difficult to do, I realize that. But, I urge you when you are able, try to put aside the feelings of grieve, fear and dread. Your mother is still at your side, try to spend some of your time together with a heart filled with love. None of us know how many moment we have on this earth, the best we can do is try to make them count.
I and hope and pray you and your mother have a lot of time left to share in your loving ways.
You said it so well:
“Fear can destroy you.
Cancer will kill you.
But faith will cure you!”
Joy, you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.