Something has over the past few weeks been brought to my attention by 4 separate internet friends. Each in turn very politely and gently asked why I never or at least only very occasionally write about death and dying. I suppose considering even the very name of my blog, that would be the fore most topic of discussion.
I should explain, I get a lot of email and I do appreciate every one the jokes the wise saying all of it, please keep them coming. I realize thoughts of death and dying are very personal and very private for many. We share thoughts and feelings back and forth in the more private one on one setting of email.
My first thought to this was, what are you talking about? I share those thoughts often. Then as I thought more of it I realize that well be more via the emails than here on the blog.
Three of the messages in a very gentle way went on to essentially ask if I might be in some sort of denial since I never or rarely write about it.
I have been giving this some serious thought, this is an important issue or it is to me anyway.
I think this depends on your definition or use of the word denial. So where am I at with all of this. I do know my days are numbered, I accept that. I have my affairs in order. I believe I am ready to answer the call when the Good Lord calls me home. I am not afraid to face that day. In this way I do not believe I am in denial. I love my life on this earth and am saddened at the thought of leaving it and those in it.
I am struggling to find the wording to get the message across as I mean it. Maybe I am using a form of denial in my daily life. Maybe, it is like I carry a form of it around in my pocket to be pulled out and used as needed. I accept my health conditions, with that comes that very deep sadness. That feeling of sadness if real and runs through my entire being. I struggle to deny that feeling of sadness to over whelm and take over my entire being. If I allowed that to happen, I could turn into a blubbering crying mess. What would that accomplish? it would deprive me of the very life I so enjoy and am saddened at the thought of leaving. The inner me would quit living my life before the physical me does.
I know what I am trying to say. Does it make sense the way I have expressed it?
The Good Lord has placed a time and a date on a Heavenly calendar. I don’t know that time or date. I do know I can’t change it. What I can do is focus on truly living my life right up to the last minute. If I am saddened by the thought of leaving it, why would I give up on it. Is that a form of denial? Maybe, I am not sure. I may not have a tomorrow or a next week but I do have this minute and I am going to make the most of it.