Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My struggle with dying


Something has over the past few weeks been brought to my attention by 4 separate internet friends. Each in turn very politely and gently asked why I never or at least only very occasionally write about death and dying. I suppose considering even the very name of my blog, that would be the fore most topic of discussion.

I should explain, I get a lot of email and I do appreciate every one the jokes the wise saying all of it, please keep them coming. I realize thoughts of death and dying are very personal and very private for many. We share thoughts and feelings back and forth in the more private one on one setting of email.

My first thought to this was, what are you talking about? I share those thoughts often. Then as I thought more of it I realize that well be more via the emails than here on the blog.

Three of the messages in a very gentle way went on to essentially ask if I might be in some sort of denial since I never or rarely write about it.

I have been giving this some serious thought, this is an important issue or it is to me anyway.

I think this depends on your definition or use of the word denial. So where am I at with all of this. I do know my days are numbered, I accept that. I have my affairs in order. I believe I am ready to answer the call when the Good Lord calls me home. I am not afraid to face that day. In this way I do not believe I am in denial. I love my life on this earth and am saddened at the thought of leaving it and those in it.

I am struggling to find the wording to get the message across as I mean it. Maybe I am using a form of denial in my daily life. Maybe, it is like I carry a form of it around in my pocket to be pulled out and used as needed. I accept my health conditions, with that comes that very deep sadness. That feeling of sadness if real and runs through my entire being. I struggle to deny that feeling of sadness to over whelm and take over my entire being. If I allowed that to happen, I could turn into a blubbering crying mess. What would that accomplish? it would deprive me of the very life I so enjoy and am saddened at the thought of leaving. The inner me would quit living my life before the physical me does.

I know what I am trying to say. Does it make sense the way I have expressed it?

The Good Lord has placed a time and a date on a Heavenly calendar. I don’t know that time or date. I do know I can’t change it. What I can do is focus on truly living my life right up to the last minute. If I am saddened by the thought of leaving it, why would I give up on it. Is that a form of denial? Maybe, I am not sure. I may not have a tomorrow or a next week but I do have this minute and I am going to make the most of it.

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14 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My struggle with dying

  1. Keep on faithful brother.

  2. Doraz says:

    SURPRISE FOR YOU ON MY BLOG. COME SEE!

  3. Gloria says:

    Good Day Bill,
    I think you expressed your self beautifully. You are completely correct to enjoy each moment and day that you have, as we all should. We all know someone who is planning their leave, and they are not uplifting, actually quite depressing to be around, and I think we avoid people who bring us down. Keep doing what you are doing, it is working well for you.
    Speaking of doing what you are doing, dreaming is a wonderful little sidetrip, as we go along our daily path. Keep dreaming that you actually have a hope of winning the Champion of the World title. I have lost many a card game to that lady, and like you still dream that someday the Card Gods are not sitting on her shoulkder. That is part of the fun!!

    Enjoy the rest of your week, and have a great time this weekend!!

  4. Lola says:

    I can see where your coming from. I think when we come to peace with whats to come, when we are accepting, its easier to shift our focus to experiencing the most out of the rest of our journey. Peace and blessings to you.

  5. Mel says:

    Oh geeze, Bill……I’ve been hangin’ around for a good chunk of time here–and I just don’t see it as ‘denial’ on your part.
    I do see, and you’ve acknowledged, some of that ‘cockiness’/complacency that can happen when we start sailing along smoothly and suddenly get a jolt with the facts of our circumstances. We all go there, I think. And we all have our way of dealing with the final analysis–it’s between us and our G-d. You’re at peace with yours, you know He’ll come for you and you know the value in today.

    If I spent my time focused on the diagnosis, then I’d become the diagnosis. And I’m not my disease–I’m ME. The disease doesn’t have to become my life and my whole being……and I won’t let it. I understand some folks get paralyzed in fear, don’t get the time graced to them or have circumstances/barriers that make things different for them. And for whatever reason, they can’t get past the prognosis/fears and it consumes them.
    I’ve refused.
    You’ve refused. You’ve been graced that way, even if it doesn’t always feel like a ‘gift’ to know. You know yet refuse to let the prognosis cheat you out of what you have today and potentially tomorrow.
    That ain’t denial in my book.
    That’s a choice that we’re capable of making under our circumstances today. That’s an little extra gift along the way, in my book.

    There. My two cents from the sidelines. LOL
    Love ya for taking the look and asking yourself the question.
    And really….I’m thinking a whole lot of us would be in the position of reminding you of what’s true if we were worried for you, yaknow?
    Kinda like SOME people naggin’ ya to rest when weary.
    We aren’t afraid to say it to ya! πŸ˜‰

  6. Irene says:

    Dear Bill,
    I don’t think it’s denial at all!! I suspect that it’s what the posts say: you’re focusing on the living part, not on the dying. I also suspect that the dying part isn’t what you want to be your last word. There’s too much other good stuff to be said and done…”Death–be not proud.” Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Lots of food for thought and lots of little life lesson reminders…I love it!
    Now about the championship of the world: Stay calm. Keep your wits about you. Ask Vi to wipe the sweat off your brow from time to time. Stay hydrated. Focus. Concentrate!! Keep your left hand up and watch out for those “sucker punches”. Be brave…be very brave. Good luck!! Keep us posted as to your progress through the championship. We’re in your corner, (in more ways than one), Wiseman.
    Irene

  7. Cat says:

    I certainly don’t think you’re in denial. You write fairly often about your prognosis and about your determination not to let it sap the joy from your life. Just because you’re not dwelling on it and letting it drag you down doesn’t mean you’re in denial.

    Besides, none of us knows when our time will come. Any one of us could be gone tomorrow due to an accident or a sudden illness. You just happen to have a little more notice. And you’re absolutely right that life should be enjoyed as much as possible while it lasts. This reminds me of an article I read earlier today about a football player who was disabled in a shooting, and another man who was born with no arms or legs. The quote I’m thinking of was in reference to living with a disability, but I think it translates:

    “He believes so many people with disabilities, particularly people who have lost something by way of accident, go around angry. For Bell, that hurts deeply. That way of thinking indirectly suggests there is something wrong with him and others who are disabled, rather than affirming that while life isn’t always easy, it is nonetheless life.

    And it should be enjoyed.”

    Here is the link to the rest of the article: http://tinyurl.com/yllttym

  8. Tasneem R says:

    Hie..Bill… your high spirit has the power to revive anybody !

  9. Tasneem R says:

    Hey bill ..have got a surprise for you right on my blog…come n see… πŸ™‚

  10. Jaymie says:

    I think perhaps some of the rest of us play with denial simply because we haven’t been given a timeline. πŸ˜‰ You remind me to live now, it makes sense.

  11. Gracie says:

    Your words make perfect sense and I agree with the other comments in that you’re not in denial at all but living each day to the fullest. How many people can say that?

  12. Doraz says:

    Enjoy! I will be around. I will be really busy getting ready for Thanksgiving at my house! Be good!
    Luisa Doraz

  13. Daria says:

    Bill … I think you are living your life just fine. There is no need to be living every minute with death on your mind.

    All the best to you …

  14. Esther says:

    I’m so captivated by your inspiring words of sincerity. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. I look forward to reading more…

    Happy Thanksgiving
    Esther

    http://estherhuff.wordpress.com

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