Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Email to Leslie


This morning I have read a very touching comment from Leslie. Please check it out. As I do I posted a responce to her comment and then as I so often do I attempted to email her offering further support. The email would not go through.

Leslie, I do hope you read this. The body of my email to you:

Hi Leslie, I thank you so much for sharing your very touching message, sharing your story with us on my blog.

Reading your words it seemed I could literally feel your pain as I have and at times am still feeling the same. I do hope you will continue to return to the blog joining our little loving supportive group. Yes, I do consider it to be a group as it has evolved into something far more than myself. I know we would all love to share some time with you.

I hope you don’t mind if I am a little to the point but I would love to ask you just a few questions. Please only answer those that you are comfortable with. What exactly have the doctors told you? Do you have family close by to whom you can turn to for not just moral support but also the physical support you may need on a daily basis? Are you in fact living at home or are you in some sort of medical facility? What are your spiritual or religious beliefs? Again, I ask please share only that which you are comfortable with.

Our situations are quite similar. I suppose if you would call it that, I have the advantage of having had a little more time to get used to this whole idea of dying. I am not sure why I have been give this gift of extra time but I am so very grateful for it. Even with this extra time, this dying idea still sucks.

Leslie, please keep in mind, I am not a doctor, I am not a man of the clergy, I am no sort of counselor, I am just a regular guy. I am simply sharing my thoughts, feelings and beliefs as I make this final leg of the journey of life. What we are facing is a very personal, individual journey. I don’t imagine there is an overall right or a wrong way to do it or to deal with it. We each make our own choices and deal with it in the best way we can at the time. I am sure many are offering you advice and I am but one more in doing so. It is an extremely difficult time for both you and your family. Each of you will in turn come to deal with this in your own way.

I can but offer you information about what or how I have chosen as my way. There is the old saying: “please take what you like and leave the rest.”

Doctors have used the dreaded dying word referring to me. That did send me into a bit of a tail spin. That idea does take some getting used to. For me, it is like a roller coaster ride with fast ups and downs. Maybe it is more like a day at the beach. It is a beautiful day, I am out in the water standing about waist deep. The water is calm and I am on solid footing. At times a small wave may come rolling in but is nothing I can’t deal with and retain my footing. Suddenly seemingly out of no where a totally unexpected big wave hits me and I am scrambling to regain my footing. I  but I regain it and get back on solid footing. The cycle goes on. You have asked me how I deal with it, well here it is, what works for me.

At some point in time I realized I had a big, big choice to make. I am doing everything medically that I can, following doctors orders etc.. I realize there is some date marked on a calendar in the future and my time on this earth will be up. Really that is the same for all of us. I may not like it but I can’t change that date, it is approaching, I just don’t know when.

For me, this is where I realized my choice came in. I love life, I love my life. My choice is limited to in fact how I am going to live my life for what ever time I do have left. I often write about in life we always have two choices in how we deal with virtually everything.

I am very blunt when I “speak” to myself. Here I am sharing my own self talk, I hope it isn’t offensive or to blunt for this message.

” My day is coming, there is nothing I can do to change that. all I can do is decide how I am going to live the days I do have left. One option would be to go into the poor me, why is this happening to me thought process. Curl up in a ball on the floor and essentially give up on life before it truly ends. Or, I can say to myself, this really really sucks but I love life and I AM going to live it right to the very last moment. There is so much more I can still do, still enjoy, still live in the time I do have left.

I have chosen option #2. I am going to live and I mean live for as long as I can. My body may be crumbling around me, but I am not my body, I am ME and I am doing well.

Sorry, Leslie I got on a real ramble here. I often tend to do that. I will leave you with this. I ask you to please join our blogging family.
You are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.
Bill

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5 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Email to Leslie

  1. “I am not my body, I am ME and I am doing well”… This is so profound and it’s another simple and out there thing we brush off but you’ve nailed.

    My heart goes out to you Leslie, I can’t imagine what it feels like to be told you’re dying and there’s nothing you can do about it… The only thing you can do is what Bill is doing, it’s to be positive and to live.

    I hope you’ll find the strength to keep facing this and I’ll say a prayer for you every single day.

    Be strong,

  2. Mel says:

    Leslie–

    I responded to the post you left Bill–I hope you don’t mind. And I hope for peacefilled moments to find you during troubled times.

    Much like Bill, I had a repetoire of conversations I had with myself. And they were rather stern conversations–things I would say to me that no others who loved me dared to say. They were too frightened and too filled with their own sadness.

    And I had some rather heated conversations with The Big Guy. I was pretty angry that, after years of battles with chemo and radiation that I showed up for even when I didn’t want to, the end result that I was told to get my affairs in order. I was very much the ball of messiness you described, on again, off again–IT became bigger than me. And since the only one I knew that was bigger than IT was G-d—-I had some pretty angry, honest conversations with Him. I also humbled myself to ask that He help me do this deal with dignity and grace…….and either He granted me that request–or I stumbled on to it. (I’m of the belief it was graced to me, but that’s just my belief.)

    I’d say it to you again–it’s okay to be where you are, to have every ambivalent moment that you have and to want to protect those you love in hopes of preserving their memories. I’d also say to you it’s okay to want to do it different and to ask others to help you on how to find that peace in YOU for the next leg of the journey.

    Wherever you find that–however you find that….it’s what I hope for you. And truly–it’s an honour to be allowed the privilege of your company and the company of those who love you.

    *sending peacefilled, warm thoughts–and prayers*

  3. Mel says:

    (((((((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))))

    Bless your heart, sir.
    And I mean that in multiple ways!

    *sending prayers and warmth to you and yours*

  4. Doraz says:

    Leslie
    The world you live in
    Need not be a solitary one
    The blogging world is here for you
    embracing your words with kindness and love

    You have been added to my prayer list
    🙂

  5. Esther says:

    When I came upon “Foot Steps in the Sand” I thought, my sister would love this. I’m glad it touched you in a positive way. For me, I embrace each word.

    “Regardless of what the impossibility of the situation is, there is a moment when you open your mouth and you throw open your arms and you embrace the thing and you just say ‘Hallelujah! Blessed is the name.”

    Esther

    Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
    Esther

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