Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Questions on my life

I am up and at it today. I feel a world better than I did yesterday. It was one of those days when it was not a lot of fun living in this body of mine.

Now, I know from personal contacts that not everyone has the time everyday to read all the comments left for me here on the blog. That is unfortunate as these comments most often contain wisdom far beyond anything I can ever say. Now that is NOT to say I look for only comments containing something profound, I appreciate ever comment even if it is just a simple HI.

In my writing I have been know to ramble on and on and on……. Well that is what I have done this morning. I received a comment with some very direct, good questions. I replied to the comment and went on and……

I am I suppose “cheating” today. I have several appointments and sort of used up my blogging time. With the knowledge that all do not read the comments I am copying the comment and my reply. Sorry about that.

47whitebuffalo Says:
November 4, 2009 at 2:19 pm | Reply edit

I don’t mean to be glib or insensitive, but as someone who cannot have this vaccine due to allergies to its albumen base, and as someone who would NOT get this vaccine even if i was not allergic to its contents–Why do you want it? If you’re already experienced the virus your body is already producing antigens to fight it.
Okay–just a question of pratical nature is all.

Now–why do you suppose the world is looking so different to you these days?
Is it all because of dying?
Death is the ticket to the next adventure—have you missed this adventure or is it still unfolding for you?

I hope by the time you read this that you’re more comfortable physically than during your bathroom visits.

What new and wonderful ‘think’ did you ’see’ this day?

Hello 47whitebuffalo, welcome to the site. You have asked some very good questions and I thank you for that. I will try to answer them in the order presented.
First about the flu shot. I appreciate your position with the allergies and all. You ask why would I want to get the shot as I am already experiencing it, good point. Well my body is definitely experiencing something with flu like symptoms. As it has dragged on for almost 3 months I don’t really think it is the flu. Even if it was the flu, I would still want to get the shot when available. There are, I don’t know hundreds maybe thousands of varieties, strains or mutations of the flu. How could I know if the particular flu I had and had developed the antibobies for was in fact this N!H! strain. Please allow me to ask you a question. Now, I am most certainly not trying to challenge your individual decision, but I am curious. Putting the allergies aside, why would you not want to get a shot that could possibly have the potential to save your life?
Why do I suppose the world is looking different to me and do I think it is because of the dying? Good questions but difficult to answer as I don’t really know for sure. Before all of this, I was caught up on the treadmill of life. Working long hours always too busy to slow down just enough to see life as it was. As it seems most of the world is, I was just seemingly fighting to get through each day as it came. Totally wrapped up in my own little world being the issue of the moment. I thought I was too busy to see beyond the moment. I was so wrapped up in my own little life that heart attacks didn’t even slow me down. Now I can look back and see how stupid I was at the time. Shortly after we discovered the brain tumor that is located in the area that effects my judgement. I like to think it was the tumor and not me being just plain stupid.
For me, I had to hear the “you are dying” words before I sat up and paid attention.
Now, my reality is I know I may not have a tomorrow, I may not even have this afternoon. In that way really I am no different than anyone else, life is a gift, never a given. It seems most take tomorrow for granted, the difference I think is I do not take it for granted, I appreciate what ever time I have and am trying to make the best of it and the most of it. I can now look back over my life and remember individual situations that at the time had me really in a dither, now I just think, geesh, why did I get so crazy over something that really is so small in the big picture of life. I admit there have been and still are times when I hear people complaining of their lives. I hear what they are complain about and just think to myself. Relax, that is not a big deal. Think about what it is that has you so wired up and then ask yourself would you like to trade places with me. That is suppose in my own humble and bumbling way is the message I am trying to get across here on this blog. Life is beautiful, relax and enjoy it. Look at the big picture instead of just the individual situation you may be facing at this moment. Look at issues not as problems but as opportunities to grow and learn from,
I totally agree with you. Death is the ticket to the next adventure in the on going cycle of life. Do I fear it? NO. My life has been an adventure and I consider myself a lucky man to have had everything in my life to this point. I am content to be where I am at this moment. Is the adventure still unfolding before me? YES and it will continue to do so until my last breath.
What new and wonderful thing did I see in my day? Well your comment was posted yesterday. Now my yesterday wasn’t my best day, I was not feeling well at all. In your mind it is difficult when in a day like that to see beyond that moment. At times like this a message can sometimes thankfully come from deep within. that message, I am a lucky man. I may not be feeling so spry at this moment but I know by tomorrow I will be feeling better. What I am experiencing for this short time is the daily reality of many, today and tomorrow as various diseases ravage their bodies.
Now, don’t take me wrong, I am not trying to imply I have all this down pat or totally mastered. I struggle with it daily, but I am getting better at it. God, sees us all as being human and as such I am sure doesn’t expect perfection. He does though I believe expect us to keep trying and that is all I am doing.
Wow, I just realized that in my typical Bill style I really got on a ramble here. I have a busy day ahead of me and I think I am going to copy this and put it up as my post for today. I know many that sign in don’t always read the comments. That is sad as more often than not, there is much more wisdom in the comments than in anything I can share.
Have a good day and I hope to hear more back from you.


8 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Questions on my life

  1. Doraz says:

    I do read them…and I do agree with what you have expressed! 🙂

  2. defpunk says:

    I have a question. It’s brief and stupid, but I’ll ask it anyway. In a sense I envy you because your days are numbered, I spent a lot of my time wishing my days were, and I feel like the sun will never shine on me again. if ‘death’s the ticket to the next adventure’, why wait, right? I spend most of my time thinking I’d definitely be better off dead. If this sounds stupid, forgive me. I also don’t usually ever talk like this, but I feel too tired to particularly care how I come across at the moment (and decided to take advantage of that feeling).

    Having said that, I read a couple of your entries, it’s an interesting blog, which when compared to many others actually has depth, which is a nice change.

    Hi defpunk, welcome to the blog, I am so glad you stopped by and commented.
    I am not sure how to respond to your comment as I am not sure of your circumstances and life in general.
    Let me just say this, I can actually hear what you are saying and even understand the feeling. I was in that same spot years ago. I had those same feelings. It seemed like what was the point to life. An event occurred that just devestated me, robbed me of my very will to live.
    From your short comment it sounds like you may be in a similar place in your head. I am really struggling to find the words to say here. Please my friend, know that this will pass, things will get better. I know at this moment that may seem to be impossible, but I do know it for a fact, I have been there and back.
    Do I see death as being the ticket to the next adventure. Yes, I do but in meaning there is nothing for me to fear as I face death. But, my friend that is a ticket that is only validated when the adventure of this life time has been lived to the fullest.
    The little timer tells me you made you post less than an hour ago. I hope you are still on line. I hope you don’t mind but I am sending you an email. We have much we can share and talk about. Please check your email.

    • Mel says:

      defpunk– Personally, I appreciate your candor. I think there are plenty of folks who have moments like yours (some lasting longer than others…). I know I did — I suspect that line of thinking is still in me. I also know someone told me ‘this too, shall pass’. It did–sometimes it took longer than I wanted, sometimes I wasn’t sure I wanted it to pass. It still passed.

      Knowing time is limited and KNOWING time is limited were two different things for me. That only makes sense to some….for me there are ‘levels’ of awareness. Same knowledge, different/deeper feel to it.
      KNOWING pushed the envelope on some things. I wish I could say I had the gumption to do those things prior to the knowledge–obviously I didn’t. The circumstances pushed me into doing some things–I’m grateful for that. I figure the Big Guy knows full well I’m a ‘gun to the head’ kinda learner. *sigh* Sad……but true.
      I know I have a different understanding of my ‘job’ on this planet today.
      I know my perceptions, beliefs and attitudes have evolved greatly because of those circumstances.

      Life ain’t fair and it ain’t always fun. It’s the only one I have today and in this MESSiness called ‘my life’ there’s been immeasurable lessons JUST for me. Some of them have been kinda cool–but it’s meant wading through some muck and mire.

      I do reckon that the next adventure will have different journeys, different lessons.
      Moving on to those any sooner than designed–my beliefs tell me that’s wrong for me–ain’t about my choosing, it’s about His.

      But I know how tired I was–how weary I was. How frustrated and angry –and apathetic I became. How inviting the otherside looked…

      It passed, it lifted(sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly), it evolved and it changed. And with some help from my friends, I’ve been able to stick around….and I’ve witnessed the otherside of that apathy.
      It was worth the efforts by me and the people around me.

      Burdens shared, in my case, really WERE burdens divided. (I hated the corny saying….LOL…but gosh dangit it’s true!)

      Stick around.

      Let yourself befriend a few of us (I’m ‘okay’ for the most part….LOL).

      We ain’t bad company most days….– and we’d be honored to have yours.

      Oh. And I’m Mel.
      I ramble a whole LOT.
      Pleased to meet you….truly.

      • defpunk says:

        Greets Mel

        Thanks for your response, (I’m positively surprised, seeing I was half expecting to be chased off this website and reminded that there’s people who are infinitely worse off – aren’t there always?- , and I need to stuff it and get on with life) so thanks for your patience, and also thanks for your anecdote!

        Thanks also to Bill for the warm welcome :-]
        I’m always interested in hearing stories of how people overcame the absolutely hopeless times in their lives, and though obviously it’s hard to find people in a similar situation, it does I suppose nurture the feeling that no matter how bad your life is, there’s going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light doesn’t have to have suicide or anything equally radical written all over it.

        I don’t know if you’ve posted before and I’ve just missed it,but I’d love to hear what kinds of problems you were experiencing and how and why things started getting better for you, who knows, I might be able to pick up a few pointers along the way! As for me I’m not religious and don’t intend on becoming religious, so unfortunately motivational slogans of a religious nature don’t work with me! In a sense I wish my parents had practiced and had passed it on to me, something tells me that having a religion really helps in times such as these.

        Having said that, you sound like you’re doing better now, which is really cool. Heads up ;-]

  3. Mel says:

    I go back to read comments. LOL I’m nosy like that!

    I don’t ‘get’ to get the shot. Immune deficient–they don’t ‘allow’ me to get it. The daughter had that allergic reaction to the shot and hasn’t gone back since…..smart child!

    But I’m with you on perception and gratitude.
    You know I have my moments–but there’s more than one way to look at circumstances and we all get to choose. I’m stubborn and prideful and I’ll be DARNED if I’m going to let other people or circumstances decide for me. And–I’m a tad oppositional. :-/ You mighta noted that. LOL

  4. Mel says:

    Defpunk–I don’t GET an option to reply to your thread above. I’ll hope that tacking it on here will suffice?

    Yaknow, I don’t really have an exciting story to tell. Or at least, it doesn’t reek of anything special to me–maybe cuz I lived it? Aside from trashing what was ‘my life’ and the lives of others who cared about me with my addictions, I got to wade through cancer, a brain tumor and being told to get my affairs in order multiple times. Against the odds, I got through the other side of the cancer — and developed leukemia as a result of the treatments. I was not thrilled with G-d’s sense of humor with that one, lemme assure you……(I say that tongue in cheek, mostly…..LOL)

    I’ve been graced to find some different things though all of the disease(s) and yup–my connectedness to my G-d has been invaluable…..as has my connectedness to other people who cared enough to walk through the muck and the mire with me. I wasn’t a very ‘nice’ person then. I made it awfully difficult to BE in my life. Go figure, they’re still there!

    The how and the why?
    Yaknow–it’s was one thing for me to decide I was ‘done’ and another for the circumstances to decide for me. *sigh* I admit, I’m oppositional as all get out……and a control freak.
    I’ll be darned if I’ll let other people or circumstances decide FOR me.
    I got oppositional, I got mad. And honestly–I got scared. Suddenly–I got scared of something deciding for me. And I don’t do fear worth a lick. I get madder than a hornet–anything to get out of the fear deal, yaknow? I guess the ‘mad and oppositional’ worked FOR me, at least long enough for me to realize a few things about who was responsible for whose quality of life. (that would be ME) And that I really did have the power to choose my attitude about the circumstances I was in–even if I didn’t have the power to choose the circumstances themself.
    And then there were the wise people in my life reminding me “there’s more than one way to look at things”. (for the longest time I thought that was just about ‘good PR for bad deals’……it ain’t!)
    The biggest thing?
    Other people caring about my life ENOUGH to tell me the truth, even if my poooooor little feelings might get hurt. 😉

    I’m on the other side, today.
    I rather like it here.
    NO one, NO circumstance gets to make the call on what I’m going to ‘feel or think or do’.
    I get to..and that’s a great power to possess.
    Leastwise it is for me.

    <– did warn you that I ramble! LOL

    Seriously–stick around.
    Sometimes it was about the company I was keeping (or lack thereof) that kept me stuck in 'this SUCKS' outlook and attitude.



    Mel, my dear blogging friend you are an inspiration to us all. Thank you for being you and sharing yourself with us all.

    • defpunk says:

      “Sometimes it was about the company I was keeping (or lack thereof) that kept me stuck in ‘this SUCKS’ outlook and attitude.”

      ^^ This, definitely.
      Thanks for your comment.

      I never let anyone tell me what to feel, think or do, though in my case, it hasn’t changed much for the better! Trouble is I don’t even trust myself to bring me to happiness anymore, I always used to trust myself above everyone and everything else. Maybe it’s my arrogance that got me here, I don’t know.

      • Mel says:

        Oh, dunno about you–but it was definitely arrogance that kept me separated and beyond the realms of help.

        “Help” meant letting others be a part of the muck and mire and coming to know the truth about Mel. It meant humbling myself..oh geeze, humility was nothing I did well.

        I grew up in one of those ‘If you’re gonna do something, do it well or not at all’ households. On top of that, I took a great deal of pride in ‘If you want anything done right, do it yourself’.
        Yeah, definitely my arrogance was a piece of the whole ‘staying stuck’. And really, me listening to me has rarely been adventageous for me. *sigh* You don’t EVEN wanna know how long it’s taken me to figure THAT one out. *laughing*

        No one–absolutely no one has to weather ‘life’ by themselves. And I made a choice to do that over and over and over again….and then wondered how come it sucked so much. Well, HELLO–if the only one I was willing to listen to or give audience to was ME…..small wonder I stayed stuck in the muck like a duck.

        Seriously, defpunk……consider the company of others who’ve landed on the other side–people who have a desire to live life. Try doing what they do even if you don’t particularly mean it–even if you don’t WANT to.
        Some of my best thinking kept me stuck. I just had to be willing to do different, even when it didn’t make sense, even when I didn’t feel like it–heck, doing it MY way over and over again didn’t bring me different. It just brought me more of the same. (I know that doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out–but shoot that I couldn’t until I just shushed up and started doing.)

        Makes me wanna say ‘duh’ cuz I know how obvious that is TODAY. I was just too wrapped up in me and my muckiness to see the obvious.

        There’s good company here. And there’s good things that get shared, a good group of people who’ll encourage and endorse and lead you in different directions. All you gotta do is stick around, open your hands to receive and try to remain willing.

        *sending peacefilled thoughts*

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