A few days ago I did a post in which I stated I have managed to reach a point where I feel no anger or ill will towards anyone. It is hard to describe, it is like a freeing feeling or something a very good feeling. Do somethings in life still tick me off, yes, but very few and those I am able to let go of very quickly.
That has been one of my goals, I want to leave this world with a heart clear of any misgivings or hard feelings to anyone. I feel like I have made it.
I recently received a question asking how I was able to do it. A good straight forward question. I wish I had a straight forward simple answer, I do not. There was no single event, it was more like a process that took both time and work. In my own rambling way I will do my best to describe it as it worked for me. I had feelings about different issues seemingly trapped in both my mind and my heart. Try as I might for years I carried feelings of hurt, anger and a huge sense of betrayal.
Here I am thinking of one issue in particular as an example as it was the biggy for me. I am not going to go into any of the details of the events but will say I was devastated. I was in a world of hurt and so very confused about everything. It is only now that I can look back and realize the hurt I was feeling inside actually tainted my view of the world. It was like I was in a huge field of hurt and every direction I looked nothing seemed any better. There is always hope if you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. There can be times when never mind the light at the end of the tunnel,, you can’t even see the tunnel and just have no idea of which way to turn. It reached the point where I became suicidal, so bleak was my mind set. Now I can so clearly see, I was wrapped up in the feelings of the moment. Those negative feelings distorted my view of my world, of the big picture of my life. I would describe my life as being a very good one, with occasional bumps in the road thrown in to make it interesting.
I realize now that how we see out lives at any given moment depends ONLY on our mindset. You could be surrounded by the most beautiful and wonderful things in this world, but if you have on your negative dark colored glasses you will see nor appreciate any of it. At one point that is where I was.
What did I do about it, how did I get past it?
For the first while I did nothing. I wallowed in my own hurt, grief and yes, self pity. This is actually something I think we are entitled to and even need. Grieve a loose, be it the passing of a loved on or the end of a relationship. This can only go on for so long and it becomes time to pull ourselves together. How do you even begin to do this?
I think possibly the biggest step for me came when I reached the point when I realized, I was wallowing in my own self pity. You can’t change things in the past anymore than you can unring a bell. I realized it was time to move on. I am in charge of my life, it is time to take charge. no one can make me feel anyway be it positive or negative, I alone can do that.
I wish I could say it was like an over night miracle where I just woke up one morning and all was right with the world. But, I can’t it took time and work.
For me, I don’t think time alone would have worked. It may have numbed the pain but I don’t think would have taken it away. Who knows, I didn’t want to wait to see.
1. I pray daily. The Lord’s Prayer is part of my routine. There is one line in there that bothered me. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespasses against us.” For a while there I even just dropped that line out of the prayer, but I still knew it was there and that I had to do something. I plodded ahead through each day knowing I have to do something to let this go but having no idea what or how. I prayed and meditated. During the meditations I visualized I was inhaling love, peace and forgiveness. Each time I exhaled, I visualized all the anger, hurt and negativity leaving my body.
2. At some point a reality hit me and I became angry with myself. Angry because I realized that well after the fact, I was still allowing her some power over me and control of my life by way of my thinking.
3. I think this was the biggest one for me. I realized I had been living with a victim mentality. I know I really had a case of the “poor me’s and the “if only’s”. I realize there was a time when yes, I was a victim of the actions of another. I was entitled to a period of hurting, grieving and yes even feeling sorry for myself. Time comes when you just have to let it go. What happened in the past is in the past and I survived it. I am a survivor and not a victim. It started to make me feel almost proud of myself. Hey, look at all the crap I went through and I survived it. I am a strong person and I am even stronger for what has happened. (didn’t feel like it at the time)
4) I realized letting go of anger, forgiving was not something done for the other person. You don’t let go and forgive for their benefit you do it for you own. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I condone your actions or possibly even that we will ever be friends again. You forgive for your own well being and peace of mind, letting go of the negativity festering inside.
Huh, not sure how I got part of this post in bold print can’s seem to change it, so oh well