Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Evolving


Spent yesterday afternoon at the dentist again. I think one more visit and I am done. Met a very nice young lady, Heather, the hygienist who got my teeth all cleaned up. I made her work as it has been longer than I want to admit since I last had them cleaned. Thank you Heather.

For the past couple of weeks I have been thinking of this and of how to write it in a way that will make any sort of sense. I realize I have been changing as a person, evolving maybe, I don’t know.

For reasons that are a mystery to me, the Good Lord has given me extra time on this earth. I am appreciative of that and have indeed been trying to use this precious time to prepare myself for what I know lies ahead. Have I been working at it as diligently as I could have been, maybe not, but I have been working at it. Nothing changes over night but I am at least making noticable progress, in my own mind anyway.

Having this journal has been a wonderful thing in so many ways. One of them is that it gives me a reference point to look back to. I can look back and remember my thoughts and feelings, remember what was in my heart at that time. At that time my heart did indeed have some anger, some bitterness towards others. It all related to hurts or what I saw as injustices done to me in the past.

I desperately wanted to rid myself of these feeling, to be able to leave this world with a clear heart. I am not sure when or how it happened. It all happened so slowly that I didn’t even realize it was happening. It took a cat coming along for me to realize I had changed at all.

A few post ago I wrote about the “stalker” cat. I never have been  a cat guy, while I have never encouraged it, they do seem to like me???? This was no ordinary cat, which ever room in the house I was in, it would soon appear at the window or door of that room. (It was outside). I realized I really cared about this cat and worried about it, huh, me worrying about a cat????

This got me thinking, “What is up with this, have I ever changed or something”. I thought about this more and more and realized, either I have changed or the whole rest of the world has changed.

I suddenly realize all those little grudges and hurts I carried in my heart are gone. How did that happen, I don’t know they are just all gone. This actually, I have realized for a while, as I have with a number of other things, I just never put the entire package together.

I have always appreciated the beauty of nature and all things around me, well I guess sort of as now I see it so much more vividly. It is like suddenly the beauty has been enhanced by 1000 times or more. I see the beauty and the wonders that surround me, surround us all.

This world of our is awesome. Yesterday, I spent time really seeing and appreciating  the wonders the beauty that has been there all the time, I just never saw it. I watched a bee flying from flower to flower both searching for food and pollinating the plants. Look around you there is so much to see.

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10 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Evolving

  1. Irene says:

    Dear Bill,
    I haven’t posted in awhile but have been following along daily. I’ve been thinking about what you wrote today and also about the twists and turns of my own life’s journey. I’m not on the same road as you, but each of our paths are running parallel. I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve been trying to find the words to describe what’s been happening. The only fitting description/diagnosis is that it is AN AWAKENING! That words seems to describe it perfectly.
    Praying for you always, Wiseman.
    Irene

    Hi Irene, I like that word awakening, it does seem to describe it. If my life it to paralled another’s I am happy it is you.

  2. Mel says:

    Awakening……

    Well said, Irene.

    And ain’t it somethin’ else….I mean, dunno about you, sir–but for the longest time I watered and nurtured and made those anger/resentments grow. I was ‘entitled’, dontchaknow…….*sigh*

    I’m a grateful gal. I’ve been given opportunities I never, ever shoulda had. Graced, yaknow? No other word for it. Pure grace–gifted to me for no other reason but love.

    I had great company on the patio today. Multiple butterflies–and the hummingbirds are whacked out, staking claim on the feeder. I tell ’em and I tell ’em “sharing is a good thing”. Do they listen?! Nah.

    It’s a good thing, this deal called ‘life’.
    You just relax and enjoy it, Bill.

    (I’ll confess my avoidance of all things dental if it makes ya feel any better……LOL)

    (((((((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))

    Hi Mel. I can relate. It seems so easy to nurture the hurts rather than deal with and then let them go. I ask myself, why and have no answer.

  3. Mel says:

    http://melsdream.blogspot.com/2008/03/awakening.html

    Wish I knew the author so I could give credit…but it’s a piece that I’m horribly fond of.

    *HUGE hugs and wishes for a glorious day*

    Mel, I popped over for a visit. I left a comment but words can’t really describe your post. It is such a wonderful message. I thank you so much for sharing it.
    Any that may read this, I strongly encourage you to visit Mel’s site and read her post. You will be glad you did.
    Bill

  4. babychaos says:

    I am delighted to read this, what can I say? Now you’re awakened, enjoy he view.

    Take care you.

    Cheers

    BC

    Thank you BC

  5. babychaos says:

    that’s “THE” view… (sigh) my t key’s a bit sticky.

  6. clary says:

    “I suddenly realize all those little grudges and hurts I carried in my heart are gone. How did that happen, I don’t know they are just all gone.”

    Do you think time did it? Did you made any efforts on your part. I just wonder because sometimes we find ourselves in that situation and we wonder if the pain and hurt will ever go away.

    Hi Clary, it is like I can feel your pain through your words.
    I am not sure of your circumstances but I can relate in that I have indeed found myself in a place where all seemed hopeless. No matter where I looked there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Never mind the light, I couldn’t even see the tunnel to give me a direction at least to go, I felt totally lost and so alone.
    Has time made a difference? I am sure it has played some part in it. Time alone, for me at least, I think numbs the pain, the hurt but I am not sure if that alone would have taken it away for me.
    It was and is my desire to leave this world with a clear heart. To do that I realized I had to do something or I just didn’t think it could happen. Sadly, for me it was not an over night miracle thing I did have to work at it.
    I hope you don’t mind, my friend, but I will email you directly as I believe likely our stories aren’t all that different. I am going to do a post on this forgiveness thing.
    Hang in there my friend

  7. Jo Hart says:

    Hello to all, and a huge thankyou for your prayers for Jenny. As an update, she is in a stable, yet still critical condition in hospital. I’m not sure if you could call this good news, but she has gone from what they thought quadraplegic to paraplegic, which in itself is still a life shattering difference. She has multiple broken ribs and bones, but thankfully even though she was scalped, there was no brain injuries or head injuries. The plastic surgeons are working at putting her skin back together, which is just a marvelous thing. They are all truely marvelous people these doctors. As for the family as you can imagine, are trying to put one foot in front of the other, they are still in quite an amount of shock and everything seems quite so surreal at this point in time.
    Thankyou everyone for your prayers, I’ve been asking for a few this year and you have all followed through for me and I truely thank you all.
    Must love and many many blessings to you all
    Jo xxx

  8. Cat says:

    Jo, thank you for the update. I just saw the prayer request and came straight to the comments on this post hoping to find an update. I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy. I suppose compared to quadriplegic, paraplegic is good news. I hope that the good news continues and that there ends up being no permanent spinal injury at all. I will be keeping Jenny and her family in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. Mel says:

    Ohmygosh, Jo. I’m glad for the update on Jenny. I’ll keep her and the family in my prayers.
    I stand amazed at what G-d and dedicated physicians can do.
    ((((((((((((( Jo )))))))))))))))

    Hang in there.

  10. gaetano says:

    Its 5 in the morning and Im sitting here at my computer and tears start to fall from my eyes.I`m 66 and I sit and wonder where are my friends ,and my mother and father.They are passing on in front of my eyes every day,and I wonder ,why.I had a kidney removed from cancer, and also a heart attack,and I know that soon I will be joining them.I don`t know if I am feeling sorry for myself or if I am afraid to leave this world and afraid for my family.I`ve raised 6 children. All are grown,except one.Shes only 15.I ask my self,was I a good father,a good husband,and did I do the best that I could have done,with my life? Should I have not hated so much,some of the things I did because they didn`t satisfy me, or was I just a mean person? I don`t know.I lost my best friend last year and think of him every day.I lost my parents 9 years ago and I miss them so much.I get calls more closer together then ever before of friends, or relatives,or ex classmates that have passed on,and the hurt gets worse,and the tears fall more. I find myself talking to JESUS every day and wonder if maybe I am just trying to get closer to heaven or am I preparing myself for was is about to come for me? I think about people that I have hurt thruout my life,even with maybe a small insult,and I beg in my heart for forgiveness,and I don`t even remember who I`ve hurt or where they are so that I could tell them that I am sorry.Well,where ever they are,I hope they can hear me,and forgive me.However,I now will prey for God to take me quick when he decides to,and ask him to protect my family and friends and the world has I know it.

    Hi gaetano, welcome to the blog. I thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and feelings.
    You have worded your message in such a way that I can almost feel your pain, worry and fear. I can so easily relate to and understand what you are saying. I have gone through and am still going through everything you have described. All I believe are normal human reactions.
    My friend you say you had a kidney removed due to cancer and you had a heart attack. May I ask what is your current prognosis that lead you to believe you will soon be joining your family and friends that have already passed? Past events as difficult as they may have been don’t necessarily have to affect our current situation.
    Irregardless, you are such a difficult spot, my heart goes out to you. You raise a lot of very good questions, questions all will all at some point be asking themselves. Speaking for myself, never have regrets weighed so heavily on my shoulders.. I have come to realize I can’t change the past any more than you can.
    Gaetano, I am not trying to imply anything about you or how you lived your life, I don’t even know you. I can only speak for myself when it comes to dealing with regrets. I can’t change past events, nor can I change the person I used to be. I may once have acted in a certain way, but that doesn’t mean I have to do that today. All I can change is how I act today.
    Gaetano, I ask you to please think of something. Since I don’t know you or your circumstances I will use my own situation as an example. I know my days on this earth are numbered and that sucks.
    I have to remind myself, maybe the doctors have told me I am dying. BUT, I AM NOT DEAD YET. I still have some living to do and I am doing my best at it. Daily, I have a choice to make. I can either choose to get up and live the day in the very best way I can.Or, I can just curl up in a ball, stay in bed and really give up on life before it really ends.
    Let’s talk more my friend, how are you managing to deal with your situation?
    Bill

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