Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Heart Failure complacancy


Had an appointment at the heart failure clinic this morning. Memory guy here, can’t remember what exactly it was called by seems the heart has taken quite a drop in pumping efficiency or pumping strength. A while back, went for a test an am now getting the results.

Somehow it seems almost strange, I do feel I am ready for the end whenever the Good Lord should decide my time is up. Even feeling that way, as I do, it still seems to give me a little bit of a jolt when I learn of my condition worsening.

With the heart failure it is not like a stead decline. It is more like you face a series of plateaus, each though is lower than the previous. As you drop from one you seem to have a leveling off period fo who knows how long. Suddenly seemingly out of nowhere bang, you fall off your plateau landing on the one below and the cycle starts all over again. I seem to stay on each level long enough to get comfortable with it and I suppose often maybe a little complacent in my thinking and suddenly down you go again.

When ever I seem to go over one of these edges, it like a great sense of more urgency hits me. A need to get more things done.

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6 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Heart Failure complacancy

  1. jel says:

    Bill, I really don’t know what to say ?

    as I was reading your post, 2 things popped into my head.

    one was that, My Dad died of heart failure, in “04”
    don’t know if I ever told ya that.

    and the other thing was that saying that
    Carol Burnett
    would sing at the end of her shows, ( I’m so glad we had this time together)

    sorry if what i just wrote was out of place!

    peace

  2. Mel says:

    I think it’s pretty normal to let the urgency dwindle as we get more time.
    The crisis fades.
    We stop thinking about it a bazillion times a day.
    We get graced with time…and then our disease does what our diseases do–and we get a jolt back to what’s true.

    At least for me–the further I get from it the more complacent and cockier I get. I’m also clear, in my case, the further I get from it the closer I am to it finding me again.
    I try not to give it too much air time because I’m NOT my disease and I won’t spend time waiting for the next shoe to drop. I conducted myself that way for a period of time and for me–that’s just not ‘living’, yaknow?

    What I’m doing today is what I want to be doing…where I want to be doing it–with people I want to be doing it with. (mostly–cuz I DO get complacent and cocky.)

    You say it over and over again, Bill. Life is too short and the time we have with people we love isn’t guaranteed forever. Make it count today.
    You’ve made it count with loads of people.
    You’ll still make it count today.

    Be easy on you, please. You–and I–are human.

    LOL Gawdddddd….I much preferred thinking myself to be an alien, dangit…..

    ((((((((((((((( Bill )))))))))))))))))))

  3. planetcity1 says:

    One day, perhaps, we’ll figure out a way to get the heart muscle to regenerate; unfortunately for you and many, many others,that medical miracle hasn’t happened yet.

    (((((((Bill)))))))

    p.s. — I lost my hubby to heart failure in 2004, so I know how devastating hearing those low efficiency numbers can be.

  4. Cat says:

    Mel, this is really well said: “I try not to give it too much air time because I’m NOT my disease and I won’t spend time waiting for the next shoe to drop. I conducted myself that way for a period of time and for me–that’s just not ‘living’, yaknow?

    What I’m doing today is what I want to be doing…where I want to be doing it–with people I want to be doing it with.”

    Bill, **hugs** to you!

  5. babychaos says:

    That’s pants. I’m glad you are ready but I hope the Good Lord will give you some more time, yet.

    If it helps, I know the thing that bothers me most about the thought of dying is the wanting to do more so I’m sure that’s something everyone feels but rest assured, just by writing this blog, you’ve done a lot.

    My old man’s not doing too well at the moment, dodgy valves, warfarin, not enough blood to the head. I sympathise.

    Saying a prayer for you.

    Take care.

    BC

  6. babychaos says:

    PS… forgot to say the important thing… just for a change.

    You seem to face all this with an abundance of courage and grace. It may not feel like that inside but if I can face adversity with half the strength you show I’ll be very happy!

    Cheers (again)

    BC

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