Dying Man’s Daily Journal – To know you are dying


House has been pretty busy the past few days. We have been blessed with a house full of company. Vi’s son Michael, daughter Lynelle and two grandchildren Seth and Sadie. Pluse dear friends Alex and Jane Anderson from Norway House. It was nice to see them all. I am so glad our house is large enough that we can offer our hospitality to visitors on a regular basis.

Often the lions share of the “entertaining” falls to  Vi as I still make sure I get my naps etc.. Our general rule of thumb is, while in our home, you become like a member of the family so help yourself. If you are hungry or thirsty feel free to go through the fridge or cupboards. If you see somthing that looks good, eat it or drink it as the case may be. If you don’t see anything then I guess it sucks to be you as we apparently don’t have it. That I am aware of that has never happened as the cupboards and fridge are generally pretty well stocked.

With being gone from the blog for about a month, so many wonderful comments have been left I will never be able to respond to them all. But know I have read and appreciate all. I am glad to see that in some ways the blog has become sort of a community bulletin board with messages being passed back and forth. I think that is great, promotes a sort of sense of community witch I like very much.

There was one comment that asked me several very good questions, that I am going to try to answer. Here is the comment from Morgan:

Bill-
Does death give us a better view of the world? Does it open our hearts and minds? I have lost many loved ones and only want to know this: what is it like to live when you know you are dying?

I am struggling with this a little, not because of the question, but struggling to find the right wording to express my thoughts and feelings. This is a very personal and individual thing. What applies to me may not apply to someone else.

I have found it to be a very mind opening, attitude changing experience. I truly do see life and the world differently than I did say 10 years ago. This may sound totally crazy but if anything I would say I have found it to be a very good experience because of the very positive changes it has brought about in me. These are changes that I am sure would never have come about, without something as major as this happening. That I think is very sad. I think back over my life and remember so, so many times when I allowed myself to get so stressed out, so fired up over what I now see as a nothing event. My life could have been so much easier, so much better.

I have not always been a willing participant in bringing about these changes. The first 3 heart attacks, open heart surgery all brought about minimal and short lasting changes. The last 2 heart attacks literally forced me to slow down and with that I struggled against reduced physical limitations and still do to some extent. Change had to be forced on me before I would slow down enough to appreciate life. To recognize what was and is important to me. It is not work, it is not material possessions.  It is living life, not enduring it or constantly struggling to advance in this materialistic world. It is living life, living each moment appreciating who I have in my life and the world around me. I have this “dying” thing hanging over my head but I have come to realize and appreciate I am one of the luckiest men in the world. I always have been, I just didn’t see it or appreciate it for what I had. I was just never satisfied always striving for more.

OK, it was forced on me but I have learned to slow down. Look at life for what ir really is and what is important to me. Look at the big picture and realize that individual events or circumstances don’t define my life but are merely little blips that likely don’t even warrent a single stitch on the over all tapestry that represents my life. If an event is over all so insignificant, why am I allowing mysef to be even the slightest bit upset about it as it happens?

Do I still hold grudges? No, it is not worth the time or the effort. I admit this is an area I really had to work on. I carried grudges, was angry or hurt by the actions of others in the past. Finally, I came to realize the past is the past. I can’t change it, the other person can’t change it. If it can’t be changed, by letting that anger fester inside of me, I am hurting no one but myself. I realized I was giving that person the power to carry on hurting me, well after the fact. Doesn’t mean I have to ever forget and become buddy buddy again with who ever. But, I don’t have to carry on giving them the power to control or damage my life. It is not worth it let it go.

Life is a learning experience, I am still learning as I go. I do know I am much further down the learning path than I was in the past.

I started off intending to actually write something here but somehow fell back into may comfortable rambling ways. Hope I got my message across.

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6 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – To know you are dying

  1. Hi, Bill. It is good to read the blog of someone who can be forthright about his feelings and view of life. I agree that the spectre of death can and does open our minds. It certainly can change our perspectives. Things that seemed so important at one time, we see them now as so insignificant. And the tings we kept pushing away, thinking we had so much time for, we see how important they are. Family and friends and people are so important. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. God bless you, Bill.

    hi Roberta, welcome and thank you for the comment. You have a very good understanding of so much of what I am trying to say. Hope to hear from you again.
    Bill

  2. God bless you and keep you and may you be an inspiration to those around you.

    Thank You

  3. Mel says:

    Ya know, the dance with death doesn’t give us all this view/perspective, Bill. I know you know that.

    You made a choice–
    It took me getting knocked along side of the head with a two by four MORE than once to help me get “No—REALLY…I’m SERIOUS about this one…”
    And I made a choice.

    You’re right.
    Life is precious–who do I want to hand it over to, today?
    Life is short–how do I want to spend the day….loving or resenting?
    Life is good–how much airtime do I really wanna give those ‘blips’ on the radar?

    I have to confess, though–the further away I get from it, the ‘cockier’ I get, the more complacent I get….
    Ever wise, He’s made arrangements to place the messenger within earshot–lest I forget totally.

    I haven’t forgotten.

    He loves me so much He made sure of that.

    And I thank you for being one of my messengers today.

    ((((((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))

    Hi Mel, If I am one of your messengers today, I am happy. You so very often are one of mine, giving me the push or thoughts to get my head in gear.
    I thank you
    Bill

  4. abdi says:

    God Bless You

    adbi, I thank you so much

  5. mark norris says:

    Bill, i want to start off by telling you a little about me before i get into what i really want to say. My name is Mark Norris, i have served in the iraq war, work 40+ hours per week, and go to school full time. which brings me to what i want to say.
    i am taking a death and dying course, the current assignment was to search the internet and find what interests us about the event of death and dying. bill i just want to say that i really hope i am as brave as you when it comes to my time, never before have i ever been moved by someones words. i just want to thank you for sharing your experiences with the rest of the world.

  6. Excellent site, keep up the good work

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