Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Fear not LIVING

It has been just over a month since that last heart attack and it has given me a lot of quiet time to think and reflect on my situation.

Now this may sound really strange but in a way I am almost thankful that, I had that heart attack. I am even more grateful that I survived it. I thank my dear blogging friend Jo for instilling this thought process in my mind through a comment she left a while back.

This is difficult to explain as I know what I am feeling within my heart but am still having trouble sorting it all out in my own head. Maybe, writing it here will help me with that.

I just stopped for a minute to go and check the stats for the blog. I wanted to see how many posts I have published. Wow, this is #606, when I first started all of this I didn’t really have any expectations. I had no idea what to expect, but I know I most definitely never thought I would be here to be doing post #606. At that time I didn’t really even think I would make it to 100. But some how, for some reason here I am still poking away.

One of my constant themes through out all off those posts has been to never take life for granted. Non of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. There are medical conditions, know and unknown, accidents all sorts of things that can deny us of tomorrow. My point is we just seem to automatically take tomorrow for granted. We so easily fall into that complacent rut taking a future for granted. We do realize there are things we want to do, things we want to say but really become procratinators. Today just isn’t good, I don’t feel well or I am just to busy, I am going to have to make a point of getting to that say next week.

Now, you would think that if ever there were to be a person that would not do that it would be me or someone with my medical conditions. I realize WRONG.

I recently heard something, not sure from where but it went something like this: “One of the greatest tragedies with people is how easily they can come to accept things, which so quickly can become their “norm”.” Huh, just think about that. Does that apply to any areas of your life?

Now living with this heart condition obviously has become my “norm”. I really don’t have any choise in the matter.

Now this is where I really struggle to find the words. It is almost like heart attacks, this heart failure have become my way of life, which it has. How to word this so it makes any kind of sense? Now I certainly don’t want to make light of having a heart attack. But, can you become so conditioned to your norm, that even a heart attack somehow becomes like not that big a deal. Not sure that even makes sense to me as I write it.

I am trying to come up with another comparable in life. I am not sure how good a comparable this may be as I can actually only relate to it through my imagination. I wonder could it be at least a little like a battered woman? Tragically, we know these Ladies are out there. I pose this I suppose more as a question than a statement because I just don’t know. Can you get to the point where you have suffered so many beatings that one more just doesn’t seem to matter that much anymore. I could be way off base here I don’t know, please tell me.

Have I been living with this for so long that I have developed the attitude, “ah, one more heart attack, I made it through it so no big deal.” Now that really sounds strange to me, but it is somehow how I feel at times.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to help my family prepare for what I know awaits me at some point. I hope it has done that.

Ah, now tricky wording to come up with again. Now I say this in somewhat of a light hearted manner. It is almost like this guy occasionally produces a bit of drama with his trips to the hospital, heart attacks and all. But he just doesn’t die and go away. lol.

I think possibly the Good Lord gave me a bit of a kick in the butt. Get your head in order, rid yourself of the compacency. You are not guaranteed a tomorrow.

I heard this somewhere also, we don’t need to fear dying, instead we should fear never really living


6 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Fear not LIVING

  1. Mel says:

    Ain’t it funny how that happens….. (not ‘ha ha’ funny….you know what I mean!)

    I can’t envision getting to live as some folks do as they go about accepting what’s ‘the norm’ for them. But living with a diagnosis (or ten), I know and can do well. You DO learn to ‘deal’–it was that or I let the disease BECOME my life. And it’s not….it’s a small part of the whole of me and this thing I call ‘my life’.

    Part of learning to live with it was adopting the attitude that’d help me keep moving. In the same way that, as a battered woman, I learn to ‘survive’ I also learned to ‘live’. (G-d’ll give me opportunities to use what I have for the good or for the not so good, I hear tell.)
    As a battered woman I rolled over and took it cuz I believed ‘I deserved no better’, that this was ‘just another indicator of my worth and value’. Today I know more–I know that which is mine to manage and that which is not. And I know the disease wasn’t about a Red Letter being slapped on my chest to brand me a rotten, worthless person. I also knew I couldn’t ‘choose’ my way out of it into different circumstances. This was something I well and certainly had to learn to ‘LIVE’ with.

    The denial, the anger, the grief…..all that stuff that came with being a battered woman, came with the disease. Rise above it or sink into it and let it claim you and define you and become this lifeless being appeared to be the bottom lines. No thanks……Been there done that, got the t-shirt!

    Different circumstances, different driving forces—-same opportunity to choose my attitude and actions.

    I chose differently.

    I’d like to think G-d danced.

  2. Irene says:

    Dear Bill,
    I’ve been doing some thinking…It seems to me that when bad things happen to good people we seem to summon all our energies to fight back. We muster our “posses” and work hard to oppose whatever it is that we’re facing. When I was in the “trenches” of my own difficulties that’s exactly what I did/tried to do. However, it left me exhausted, unfulfilled and angry at the world. So I decided to try something different. I began to think of my struggle as a friend of sorts. What could this terrible difficulty teach me? What life lessons were there to learn? Abraham Lincoln said: Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? This kind of thinking made life less stressful and far more interesting and adventuresome. It doesn’t mean giving up or giving in. It simply means taking what has been given to me (the good stuff and the bad) and using it to mold me and shape me into a better person.
    Thinking of you often, Wiseman.

  3. babychaos says:

    That’s a cracking last couple of lines! You know, a lot of people, with the stuff you have to put up with, would be well, frankly miserable bleeders. You always take something positive from everything that hits you, even stuff other people might find pretty grim. I think it’s brilliant and inspiring…

    I hope that doesn’t sound cheesy!



  4. Mel says:

    Oh! OH!!

    What Irene said!!!!

    (Thanks Irene!)

  5. Cat says:

    I understand what you are saying about the “norm.” Living with rheumatoid arthritis has become my “norm.” I have become accustomed to being in pain, hobbling around, and having difficulty standing up and sitting down, using my hands, sleeping, etc. Where you say, “Ah, one more heart attack, no big deal,” I say, “Ah, one more surgery, no big deal.” I’ve had 13 of them now and they don’t even phase me any more. I stopped getting nervous after about the third one, which is good in a way. I’m always perfectly calm and relaxed before surgery, and I believe that helps things go more smoothly and aids in my recovery time. I know the surgical staff always appreciates my relaxed demeanor, as well! 🙂

    I wish you the best as you recuperate from your latest heart attack. I’m very glad that you made it through!

    Hi Cat, nice to hear from you. I appreciate you leaving this comment. Many are not in a position of being able to understand the thought, ah, one more heart attack or one more surgery, no big deal anymore. I am sure your relaxed attitude was appreciated by the medical staff and that it no doubt did aid in your recover. I am not sure can we take that attitude to far. I was told by a nurse I wasn’t taking the whole thing seriously enough.
    I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. I pray they are able to ease it for you.
    You are in my heart thoughts and prayers.

  6. Cat says:

    Thank you, Bill! You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers, as well, as is Vi — I read your earlier post about her wrist, and I hope that her recovery is progressing well and that her pain has been minimal.

    I just think it’s amazing what human beings can become accustomed to. I think an attitude of acceptance can be quite helpful in dealing with serious health issues. It’s got to be more helpful than anger or despair or self-pity, anyway. I may not be able to do all of the things I used to do or all of the things I would like to do, but I’m grateful that there are still so many things I can do that I enjoy. There are always blessings to be counted.

    I enjoy reading your blog and I really admire your attitude and outlook. You are quite an inspiration.

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