It has been just over a month since that last heart attack and it has given me a lot of quiet time to think and reflect on my situation.
Now this may sound really strange but in a way I am almost thankful that, I had that heart attack. I am even more grateful that I survived it. I thank my dear blogging friend Jo for instilling this thought process in my mind through a comment she left a while back.
This is difficult to explain as I know what I am feeling within my heart but am still having trouble sorting it all out in my own head. Maybe, writing it here will help me with that.
I just stopped for a minute to go and check the stats for the blog. I wanted to see how many posts I have published. Wow, this is #606, when I first started all of this I didn’t really have any expectations. I had no idea what to expect, but I know I most definitely never thought I would be here to be doing post #606. At that time I didn’t really even think I would make it to 100. But some how, for some reason here I am still poking away.
One of my constant themes through out all off those posts has been to never take life for granted. Non of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. There are medical conditions, know and unknown, accidents all sorts of things that can deny us of tomorrow. My point is we just seem to automatically take tomorrow for granted. We so easily fall into that complacent rut taking a future for granted. We do realize there are things we want to do, things we want to say but really become procratinators. Today just isn’t good, I don’t feel well or I am just to busy, I am going to have to make a point of getting to that say next week.
Now, you would think that if ever there were to be a person that would not do that it would be me or someone with my medical conditions. I realize WRONG.
I recently heard something, not sure from where but it went something like this: “One of the greatest tragedies with people is how easily they can come to accept things, which so quickly can become their “norm”.” Huh, just think about that. Does that apply to any areas of your life?
Now living with this heart condition obviously has become my “norm”. I really don’t have any choise in the matter.
Now this is where I really struggle to find the words. It is almost like heart attacks, this heart failure have become my way of life, which it has. How to word this so it makes any kind of sense? Now I certainly don’t want to make light of having a heart attack. But, can you become so conditioned to your norm, that even a heart attack somehow becomes like not that big a deal. Not sure that even makes sense to me as I write it.
I am trying to come up with another comparable in life. I am not sure how good a comparable this may be as I can actually only relate to it through my imagination. I wonder could it be at least a little like a battered woman? Tragically, we know these Ladies are out there. I pose this I suppose more as a question than a statement because I just don’t know. Can you get to the point where you have suffered so many beatings that one more just doesn’t seem to matter that much anymore. I could be way off base here I don’t know, please tell me.
Have I been living with this for so long that I have developed the attitude, “ah, one more heart attack, I made it through it so no big deal.” Now that really sounds strange to me, but it is somehow how I feel at times.
One of the reasons I started this blog was to help my family prepare for what I know awaits me at some point. I hope it has done that.
Ah, now tricky wording to come up with again. Now I say this in somewhat of a light hearted manner. It is almost like this guy occasionally produces a bit of drama with his trips to the hospital, heart attacks and all. But he just doesn’t die and go away. lol.
I think possibly the Good Lord gave me a bit of a kick in the butt. Get your head in order, rid yourself of the compacency. You are not guaranteed a tomorrow.
I heard this somewhere also, we don’t need to fear dying, instead we should fear never really living