I often use the word spry to describe how I am feeling, as “I am not feeling to spry today”. Well to keep with that word, I have to say I am feeling pretty spry today. I think it is fair to say a heart attack can indeed knock you on your butt for a while. This past 3 weeks has given me a lot of healing time and thinking time.
In the past I have written about the power of words and of how just a few simple words can affect another. Twice while I was in the hospital I has a few words spoken to me that, hit home with me. OK, I am not the swiftest learner all the time and really it has taken until now for them to sink in. We can never know the power our words will carry as they leave our mouths. At the time they are said they may seemingly have no impact what so ever. But as is in my case they may linger in the mind to be mulled over in the future. I sit here a prime example of that very thing.Words spoken to me 3 weeks ago are finally sinking in.
What are these words that are so powerful to me? I wish I did have a better memory, I would like to thank one nurse in particular for just a few words she said to me. “You are not taking this seriously enough”!! Now it might be asked how can you not take a heart attack seriously enough? Well that is hard to explain or I suppose justify. Could it be, this was #5, have been through this before, heart attack is over and I feel good and am in the hospital, so good enough, I am going to be fine, so no need to worry. I really wasn’t worried or scared. I said a prayer on the way to the hospital and then just relaxed to let it play out around me. OK, OK all the drugs they pumped into me may have helped with the being relaxed part.
Even going to the agioplasty, knowing a cathiter would be going from my groin up into my heart, didn’t “really” phase me. I had the, “been here done that attitude”. I had said my little prayer, had total faith in the doctors so let’s just get on with it. No worries, until the doctor came and talked to me. In reviewing my file he had seen that I had signed a DNR. In very overly simplified terms a DNR tells the doctors that if my heart were to stop, that is it, nothing more is to be done. He came to me asking to waive that for this procedure. In extremely rare cases the heart can stop during the procedure but can easily be restarted. Would I give him permission to do that? Well, yes if it is as simple as that. My fear is ending up brain dead in a living body or even worse having a fully functioning brain trapped in a “dead” body. If either such case should arise, PULL THE PLUG. Though I admit having that question asked of me did rattle the nerves a little. But, I can’t say I was anywhere close to being scared or anything like that.
I like to think it was that I had said a prayer placing myself in God’s hands and the hands of the doctors He would be directing, so really what did I have to worry about?
I think back to while I was actually having the heart attack. First off, I was at home alone. Now, I am not even going to try and describe the symptoms I had as a heart attack can present itself in so many different ways. I wouldn’t want anyone to read my symptoms and from that think they know what a heart attack feels like, it really can be different. Anyway, the symptoms appear, I use my nitro spray short term improvement but then back at it. At some point I realized, ah gee, I had better be getting to the hospital. Not nervous or scared in the slightest. I suppose at least in part that could be as I have chest pains on a fairly regular basis, have gone to the hospital to be told it was angina and not a heart attack. This one felt different so in my mind I sort of felt like it was the real deal and it was. Thoughts of dying or fear of dying never entered my head. I have to wonder am I maybe getting a little to cocky, now I wasn’t even thinking it. But, I wonder if deep down inside I have a little of the attitude described my nephew Trent in a comment he left for me. “It will take more than 5 heart attacks to put a Howdle man down”.
I like to think, I had no fear because there was nothing to fear. I had said a prayer placing myself in God’s hands, what better place could I be. What is destined to come will come. I wish I could say something like I felt a Heavenly Presence there to comfort and support me, I didn’t have what I would call any sort of “magical, mystical” feelings about me. But when I think of it, the loving support was there, comforting me on some sort of inner lever or something. While I wasn’t aware of it specifically, it did remove all fear for which I am so grateful.
Those few words spoken to me at the hospital had a big impact on me even if it has taken a while for them to really sink in. I thank God for getting me through #5 and for placing the highly qualified and very professional doctors and nurses in the spot where I needed them to be.
I know I have written before on the awesome power of words. Each of us individually has that awesome power within us. Are we using that power? Do we realize we have the power to touch, even change the lives of others with a few words? How are we using this great power, in a positive way or in a negative way
Just rambling on with thoughts in my head about the heart attack.