Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Beliefs/deepest thoughts

October 8, 2008

OK, I did my little prayer routine and here are my beliefs.

Many times I have written of how my strong belief system has helped me through so much. I have heard some call religion a crutch that many people lean on to get through the hard times in life. For me my belief system is more of a way of life but yes, I do turn to it or I suppose lean on it a little more in the tough times. If it is a “crutch” it is a really wonderful “crutch” to have, one that I want to carry with me always. Many times I have been asked what exactly are my beliefs? What do I believe about God, the afterlife, about Heaven and how to get to Heaven?

Faith is a very personal, very individual thing. There are something like 6.5 billion people in this world and I would doubt if even two have EXACTLY the same faith or degree of faith or what ever. I believe that all Faiths, all Religions that help and teach us to become better people are good. Is one any better or more right than the next, well that is not for me to say, nor to judge. Each of us must choose which feels right to us as individual, that will help us grow internally to become better people. Is that not what God would want for each of us? To grow and develop into the very best we can be.

I believe in God, in Jesus Christ, in the teachings of the Bible. I consider myself to be a Christian, yet many of my individual personal beliefs do not fall in step with the teachings of the “main stream” Christian Churches. For me that is fine. My belief in and my relationship with God is a very personal and individual one. I don’t believe God sees us just as a mass of people but rather as individuals. I believe God wants to have an individual relationship with me, with everyone alike on an individual basis, one on one, so to speak.

I believe, God is our loving, merciful, forgiving Heavenly Father. He loves each of us individually as his children. He shows no favorites and love each of us individually and unconditionally. He wants the very best for each of his children (us) and is always there for each of us individually. He is indeed the All Mighty, the All Powerful and the All Knowing. His love for us is stronger and more pure than anything we as humans can possibly imagine.

I myself am a father, I have 2 beautiful and wonderful daughters. My love for them is total, it is pure and unconditional. It is both humbling but wonderful at the same time to know that as strong, pure and unconditional is for my daughters. God’s love for me, for you, for everyone of us is magnified far beyond even what I can imagine. He is indeed our Loving Heavenly Father. I think of my love for my daughters and I know that they could do things that may hurt or upset me, but there is nothing they could ever do that could cause me to stop loving them. I am then comforted when I think of God’s love for me, for you, for each of us. I know I can and have done things that could and I am sure have disappointed Him, but that his love for me is unconditional and is just as strong and just as pure as ever. I do not believe in a vengeful or punishing God.

Contained within each one of us is a soul or a spirit, call it what you will. Contained within that soul is the very essence of me, of who I really am. I call it the spirit within. The spirit within each and everyone of us is good, filled with love and kindness. As we experience life in this physical world often that spirit can loose it’s shine, become tarnished by the events of our physical lives. Irregardless of anything it is always still there, maybe just covered with layers of the dirt life can throw at us. We need to constantly word to dust it off, shine it up and shine out to the world. God wants us to “shine” and is always there to help us do that.

I believe in Angels, both Heavenly Angels and Earth Angels. Heavenly Angels are Messengers from God, they are constantly with us and among us and should be shown the respect that would be due to a messenger from God. At various times through out our entire lives God will utilize other people to do his work in our lives, Earth Angels. With out ever realizing it each and everyone of us will at numerous times be directed by the Heavenly Father to be in a specific spot at a specific time in which to help or assist another person. Effectively for that short period becoming what I call and Earth Angel.

When we leave this physical world I do believe we will face a sort of “judgement” day. It is here that my personal views start to differ slightly from any of the mainline Churches that I am aware of. I believe we will be judge based soley on what is contained within our hearts and nothing else will matter. Most certainly our earthly possessions or “accomplishments” in life will count for nothing. Which Church we attend, how often if even ever we attend, how much we donate to the Church, will count for nothing if our hearts aren’t in the “right” place. It is all based on what is contained within our hearts.

I consider myself to be a Christian and do believe the teachings of Jesus through the Holy Bible can lead you on the pathway to Heaven. I have often heard it said you must wecome Jesus into your heart. What exactly does that mean? To me it means you must truly open your heart and mind to the teachings of Jesus. To try in the very best way we can within our physical limitations to feel and to show the love of Jesus to all other beings. I suppose in a way to use Jesus as our role model in life. Did not Jesus show love for all? Did He ever shun or turn anyone away, irregardless of circumstances? Was his love for ALL not so great that even while on the Cross and enduring so much, did he not pray asking for forgiveness for those tormenting and killing him? If we truly have the love of Jesus in our hearts should we not be showing it by loving all as best we can within our physical limitations.

Yes, I believe Christianity can provide a real pathway to Heaven. BUT, I can not believe it is the only pathway. Thanks to my good friend Mel, I know that Christians make up about 1/3 of the population of the world. Obviously, that means about 2/3’s of the population follow one of the other grear Faiths or Religions of the world. Does that mean they are automatically excluded from any chance of reaching Heaven? The love of our Heavenly Father is so great and so strong, I can’t imagine anyone will be just automatically excluded. I will all come back to the love contained within the heart. When I get to Heaven I expect I will see people coming from all cultures and Faiths. Once there all differences will be gone, we will all be one.

I suppose particularly because of my health issues I am greatly comforted by my strong belief there is an afterlife. When my physical body dies, my soul, my spririt, the essense of who I am will carry on to another world. We all will, every single one of us.

I further step away from most Churches in that I do believe in reincarnation. I suppose this relates over to what are my thoughts on the meaning of life. I believe we are spititual beings sent to this earth by the Father to learn and grow from a physical, human experience. We come to learn the truly important things in life, love, patience, empathy…… It is when we have learned these lessons that we truly return home to be with The Father in Heaven.

So my physical mind can get a true grasp on this idea. I use a physical comparable that I can relate to. This is obviously a very overly simplistic way to look at it or explain it, but this is what works for me. I compare it to being in grade school, grades 1 to 12. Our Spiritual being enters this world in the equivalent of grade 1 in the school of life. Our lessons are not things such as Math and history but rather human qualities such as I mentioned above, love, patience, empathy, sympathy etc.. When I pass from this world I will face a judgement day, but it will be a loving judgement day. It will be a loving review of which human qualities I have or haven’t learned. Just as an example let’s suppose I have “excelled” at patience but may be lacking in empathy or what ever. All of this will be “graded” in a loving manner. It will be decided on what human qualities I need to “brush up” on and I will return to this earth being place in a live situation that will give me plenty of opportunties to learn in that and all areas.

Through Jesus is my spot in Heaven prepared and waiting to me, YES. I must just learn my lessons in life to get there. For me I see the lessons in life and “sins” as two totally different things in totally different areas. I am stating this in a very overly simplistic way. I believe our “sins” can be forgiven because of the sacrifies made by Jesus our Savior. We can get into a big debate over what is a sin, obviously the 10 commandments but more. Jesus gives us a direction or a path to follow. For me it comes back to the what is contained in your heart. I am struggling to find words to express what I am trying to say. Accepting Jesus into your heart can lead you to Heaven, I agree. What does it mean to accept Jesus and the love of Jesus into your heart? For me yes, it should include the appropriate worship. I see it as going beyond that. For me to have the love of Jesus really in my heart, my heart should be just over flowing with love for all, compassion, understanding, empathy etc., all the lessons in life I speak of. How can I truly have Jesus in my heart and then not show love, compassion etc to all those around me? To me it seems to really have Jesus in my heart I must have learned all the lessons life has to offer.

While on this earth we are in human form and suffer all the shortcomings of being human. Eternity is a really, really long time. What is the average life expectancy of a person, I don’t know say about 75 years (I wish). When compared to eternity that short life time wouldn’t even register as a blip on the radar of eternity. When comparing our life time to eternity, it wouldn’t even equate over to a nano second in our physical lives. I know our Heavenly Father loves us greatly. I just can’t imagine with the love He has for us that we are only given one such short period of time to gain entry to Heaven.

For me I always try to find a human physical compable to help me get my mind around an issue. Now comparing our physical lives to eternity. It would be comparable to compare the smallest fraction of a second to our physical lives. I know God’s love of each of us is stronger than anything I could possibly imagine on this earth. Keeping this in mind, I think of my love for my daughters. To keep this in relative terms, it would be comparable to me going to my daughters asking them an extremely complex question and expecting the exact answer I am looking for in less than a fraction of a second. Given this scenario, I know I would offer many many chances and opportunities to learn and get it right

I have been asked to share my thoughts and beliefs, well there we are. A very condensed version. Writing this I realize I could fill just pages and pages and will leave it at this for now anyway.

I have found this to be very exhausting even with my rambling style, taking 4 days on and off. As usual I am not editing or proof reading, with such a complex issue possibly I should. This way it is straight from my heart such as it is.

I think it is best summed up with something I read as being credited to old cowboy wisdom. “The best sermons are lived and not preached”

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Don’t Drink and Drive

October 6, 2008

I just checked my email and there is see a message from my dear blogging friend Jo. Jo has sent me one of the most emotional messages I have ever read. It did bring tears to my eyes. Here is that message.

Don’t Drink Drive!

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

The Cashier said, ‘I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll.’

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Granny,

are you sure I don’t have enough money?”

The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.”

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

‘It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.’

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. ‘No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy

so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.’

His eyes were so sad while saying this. ‘My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God

very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.”

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: ‘I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.’

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me ‘I want mommy to take my picture

with her so she won’t forget me.’

‘I love my mommy and I wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.’

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. ‘Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?”

‘OK’ he said, ‘I hope I do have enough.’ I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was

enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: ‘Thank you God for giving me enough money!’

Then he looked at me and added, ‘I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy

this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!”
‘I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much. But He gave

me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.”

‘My mommy loves white roses.’

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started.

I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied

by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on

the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young

woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother

and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Will you think again before you drink drive??????

Now you have 2 choices:

1) Forward this. only for ones who have a heart

2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart

Help stamp out drink driving, please pass on

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Writing/Rambling

October 5, 2008

It is very rare for me to sit down to actually write a post on a particular topic. In fact I think I have only done it 2 or 3 times. Normally I just sit down and just ramble on about what ever is in my heart or in my mind at the time. Well for 3 days now I have been trying to actually write a post. By write a post I mean plan it out, choose my words, edit all that sort of stuff. Now, when I say 3 days it must be understood what I mean by a day. I usually spend 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there sort of thing throughout the entire day. I get tired or loose my train of thought and save the draft to return later to try and pick it up from where I left off. I didn’t check but I must have 10 or 15 partially completed drafts, these are ones where I have taken a break come back and couldn’t seem to pick up on my original train of thought or the point I was trying to make. I will just leave them there, maybe I can finish them someday.

I have spoken many times about my belief system, of how important it is to me and of how it has helped me so very much. I have been asked many times, what exactly is my belief system, what are my belief’s about God and the here after. This is important to me and very dear and close to my heart. I felt if ever there was a time for me to spend the time to actually write a post as opposed to just rambling my thoughts as they come, this would be it. Well I have been trying to do just that. I write a few paragraph then go back and reread and start to edit. I change a word here and there and often by the time I am finished I would reread and even I don’t understand really what I am trying to say. I am not a writer I am a rambler. I give up on trying to write the post. Maybe, that is even better, especially for this post. Let the feelings just flow from my heart and not try to tinker with them afterwards. So right after I put up this post, I am going to say my little prayer routine and just go to it.

So maybe later today or tomorrow I will post “my beliefs”.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Looking through My Eyes

October 1, 2008

Haven’t been feeling all that spry for the past bit and finally broke down and went to the doctor. I guess I feel I am already such a drain on the medical system with all of my various conditions, that I feel kind of reluctant to go for something I think is just a chest cold. I already have definite breathing issues with the heart failure and this “cold” was certainly aggravating that even more. Turns out I have bronchitis. Doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics and inhaler and already I am starting to feel much better. The miracles of modern medicine and medications is truly amazing. I am so very grateful for it all.

I am starting to feel better and am in a sort of mellow thoughtful mood. I look at my life and see how much I have to be grateful for. I think just on the medical side of my life. OK, it sucks that I have been diagnosed with heart failure, have a brain tumor, have diabetes…. But, I am such a lucky man, I think if I had been in this position even just 25 or 30 years ago, I would have long since been dead by now. It is the advances in modern medicine and medications that have kept me alive and for that I am grateful.

I am approaching what is for me a very important anniversary date. Only once has a doctor ever given me a guesstimated time frame for how long I have left. Now, let’s face it, it was only a guesstimate at best but come Nov. 1st, I will be 2 years past his longest projected time frame. Now this may sound strange but I am so very grateful to that doctor for giving me an estimated time frame, granted I am even more grateful I have passed by it and will continue to keep going.

Why am I so grateful to this doctor. He told me I am dying which in turn forced me to face my own mortality. Yes, I went through a period of moaning and groaning about the whole situation and how unfair it was ect.. But, surprisingly it has turned out to be a wonderful experience. I really don’t think anyone can really appreciate or understand what I am saying unless you have been there and done that. His words caused me to really open my eyes and see things in an entirely different light. It truly is almost as if I see the world through different eyes. When you have something like that hanging over your head suddenly the length of the line up at the grocery store suddenly seems to be pretty insignificant. Suddenly all of the normal little trials and challenges we face in day to day life are put into proper prospective. Suddenly the challenges or “problems” of yesterday suddenly seem pretty insignificant. Life takes on an entirely different meaning. I see it for what it really is, how wonderful are the joys and how really trivial are the problems. I can look back at times when life seemed just overwhelming or so it felt at the time. I now see the “overwhelming” problem or issues of the time for what they really were. Pretty small in the overall scheme of things. Why did they seem so important, so big to me at the time? Why did I not recongnize how I was allowing myself to get so very worked up over something so very unimportant? I look back now and really see how precious time, I did and so many others are currently wasting really needlessly.

A moment spent in anger or in any negative thought process is a moment of joy lost forever. We can never get that moment back it is gone forever, wasted so foolishly.

I am thinking about my medications etc. knowing that if they were suddenly not available to me, I would likely be gone in a week or two. I think of how I am counting on the continued availability of the medications, but I am also counting on continued research to come up with continually new and more advanced way of doing things to keep me going for I hope years to come.

I am really struggling to come up with the words that really express what I am trying to say here. I want to issue a challenge to EVERYONE!!!! But first let’s be clear I am not asking for sympathy or anything of the sort. I don’t want it, I don’t need it, I am a lucky man and I admit it. There are millions out there that have it so much worse than I. I am trying to get across the idea of a thought process. I am not sure how well I worded that. But, here is the challenge. I challenge all to try to put yourself in my place, to look at the world through my eyes. Just look to see if you see the “challenges” and “problems” in your life in quite the same way. Please, let me know what you see. Also if you see someone in front of you in a line up or where ever that maybe is fumbling and taking a little extra time, let’s try and be a little patient with them. Who knows what is going on in their lives.