Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Dread of Painful Death

Happy birthday to my young friend Chad. Yesterday, you turned 18 and you are recognized as being a man. Well I recognize and see you as a fine and good man. I hope your day was great and that you celebrate many many more.

I want to thank all those that took the time to share their inspirational stories with me. Reading such do help me and I am sure many others, I do thank you. I hope many more such sharings will continue to roll in.

I know within my heart I do not fear death or dying. I am not sure maybe dread is a better word. I start thinking about this and my mind just starts going around and around in circles. I mean how could I possibly dread the thought of going to such a wonderful place as I know awaits me? Well I most certainly don’t dread that part.

So what is it that I do dread or hate the very thought of. I dread and hate the thought of the pain and hurt it will be causing my family and loved ones. Has it been helpful that we have all had time to “prepare” for this event? I hope so. But, I still have to wonder how prepared can you actually be? For me this is the biggest issue.

I do have though a second personal dread. Over the years I have been told by many doctors and nurses that I have a high pain threshold, or tolerance for pain. To that I say WRONG!!!! I think I am a big baby when it comes to dealing with pain, maybe I just manage to hide it well. I dread the thought of pain being involved with anything (see what I mean about being a big baby). I suppose I can just say I dread the thought of leaving this world in a lot of pain.

Even with that I still know I will have the easier or better part of the whole deal. I recognize and appreciate it is so much harder on the families and loved ones. I will have moved on to a wonderful place leaving all behind to hurt and grieve in this physical world.

I know I will be in loving hands when I leave this physical body of that I have no doubt. Does it make sense for me to say it is more the last days, hours or minutes left in this physical body that I fear or dread the thought of. I know there is a lot of medication and such that can be used to ease or eliminate pain. I have had a lot of such medications over the years and know, yes it takes away the pain but also can make me sleepy or groggy at best. Maybe it is that I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be wide awake and alert, I want to live every moment I can, but the baby in me doesn’t want the pain. Can I, will I have both I guess only time will tell.

Maybe, this dread of which I speak could be describes along the lines of. You are on a wonderful vacation, having the time of your life. As all vacations do you know it will end, but you don’t want it to end, you dread the thought of it ending. You would like it to go on forever or at least for a much longer time. As the days of the vacations dwindle away you dread the thought of it ending even more as each day passes. Does that make sense? You don’t really fear it ending you more just dread the thought.

6 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Dread of Painful Death

  1. Irene says:

    Dear Bill,
    My Mom always said that it was a funny thing that we have to struggle to get into this world and, for many people, it’s a struggle to get out. Ironic, isn’t it?? Another irony that was brought to my attention is that when we’re born, as babies, we cry and everyone else in the delivery room is happy. Hopefully, when we die, we’re happy and everyone else is crying. Bill, don’t feel badly that your family will experience pain…it’s a sign that you’ve done your job..you’ve fought the good fight…you’ve lived out your full purpose. Think about all those people who don’t have a family to grieve for them. Someone once said: Sorrows are our best educators. We can see further through a tear than we can through a telescope. Think of all the life lessons you have taught to all those left behind and will continue to teach long after you are gone. I sure hope I have the opportunity to think about what I just said when it’s my turn. Have a super good weekend Wiseman!!

    Hi Irene, thank you for this wonderful comment. I read a comment left by our friend Jo in which she refers to the fact you always refer to me as Wiseman. I question my wisdom but appreciate the thought. I also totally agree with Jo when she went on to refer to you as wisewoman. I do respect you as being a wise one.
    I have never thought of it quite this way but when you say: “Someone once said: Sorrows are our best educators. We can see further through a tear than we can through a telescope.” You are so right, if we just have the eyes to see through it all.
    I did a post way back when about how I thought a baby entering this world was comparable in many ways to us leaving this world to be “reborn” in the next. Thank you for reminding me of that. Maybe I need to visit that post again.
    Thank you wise one

  2. vicki says:

    Hi Bill,
    Lovely to meet you X:-)
    i have just come across your blog
    (i think by no coincidence)
    while searching for a lovely poem i once heard called
    On Friday i attended the funeral of my Beloved Grandfather
    and will share the experience i had of his passing in the section
    that you have created…
    i am currently on a journey (via) cancer
    and have had ~thoughts~ like yours
    and the same ~feelings~ too
    and so i just wanted to let you know
    that today
    you are not alone
    ~Sending you kind wishes~
    Vicki x

    Hi Vicki, I am glad you came across my blog, welcome and I do hope you will visit again. First off my condolences over the passing of your grand father.
    What you have shared is beautiful and I do thank you so much

  3. Mel says:


    That Irene is a smart cookie……..

    *hugs to you*

    I hope this finds you well.

    Hi Mel as always have to agree with you here but I must also add that I seem to note a lot of wisdom flowing from your key board also.

  4. Laura says:

    Does wisdom only come from tears? Doesn’t wisdom also come from the relationships that we have that enable us to feel joy, especially when there is sadness in our lives? Is wisdom seeing the truth or making us feel the truth of our own being?

    Hi Laura, excellent points. Wisdom, knowledge, truth, internal growth what ever you want to call it can come from countless different sources. Sadly, for me it does seem my greatest lessons in life have come through my mistakes. Has that given me any wisdom?????, I don’t know.
    To me wisdom comes from learning the lessons of life. Learning does not mean just seeing, but must also carry over to feeling it in our heart and mind. There is a huge difference between learning a lesson, “the truth” and carry that knowledge in our mind and being able to really carry it in our hearts. Learning a lesson by seeing it is only step one, it must then be carried from the mind to the heart.
    Wisdom comes from learning the truth about ourselves and then consiquently what we do with that truth. Hopefully, learn from it, grow because of it and accept it into our being as a part of us.
    You are right these lessons can come from loving relationships, they can come from really anywhere in life.
    Thank you for making me stop and think

  5. Roads says:

    The vacation analogy you describe is perfect, Bill. I talk about that experience a little here and in the posts around it.

    Life is a wonderful holiday. No doubt about it. The end of a holiday is always hard to contemplate.

    And what of painful death? I absolutely understand the fear, but I really don’t think it’s that common. Even then, I know that pain gives strength, and I think the psychological load which comes with terminal illness is by far the bigger mountain to climb. And you’ve conquered that, handsomely, and that shows you have enormous inner resources which you may not realise or quite appreciate yourself.

    After all that you’ve come through, faced and stared down right back, I have to say that the simple act of lights out simply has to be a breeze. I always try to remember that millions and billions have passed this way before. And to be frank, there’s been precious few complaints.

    All best wishes to you from London, and spirits up.

    Hi Roads, it is nice to hear from you buddy. I popped over to the post you provided a link to. I thank you for sharing that, the post is wonderful.
    I agree with you that the: “the psychological load which comes with terminal illness” is a tad bothersome and can weigh you down. Positive attitude and high spirits is what I constantly strive for but believe me I have my days.
    I got a chuckle out to the “precious few complaint” line. But it is true, billions and billions have gone before me and will follow me.
    Thanks for stopping by

  6. Paschal says:

    Hi Bill,
    Compliments of the season! I came across your blog this morning while searching for articles on Man’s Responses to Death and Pain. I think nobody in his/her right senses wishes for any of the two. If that happens, something must be amidst: faith or mood disorder. Yours seems to be the former- faith in the hereafter. With this you are able to see beyond your present predicaments and are now offering the world consolations when reverse is supposed to be the case. Thanks so much for your realness, bravery and heroism. I love you and pray with you.

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