Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Looking through My Eyes


Haven’t been feeling all that spry for the past bit and finally broke down and went to the doctor. I guess I feel I am already such a drain on the medical system with all of my various conditions, that I feel kind of reluctant to go for something I think is just a chest cold. I already have definite breathing issues with the heart failure and this “cold” was certainly aggravating that even more. Turns out I have bronchitis. Doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics and inhaler and already I am starting to feel much better. The miracles of modern medicine and medications is truly amazing. I am so very grateful for it all.

I am starting to feel better and am in a sort of mellow thoughtful mood. I look at my life and see how much I have to be grateful for. I think just on the medical side of my life. OK, it sucks that I have been diagnosed with heart failure, have a brain tumor, have diabetes…. But, I am such a lucky man, I think if I had been in this position even just 25 or 30 years ago, I would have long since been dead by now. It is the advances in modern medicine and medications that have kept me alive and for that I am grateful.

I am approaching what is for me a very important anniversary date. Only once has a doctor ever given me a guesstimated time frame for how long I have left. Now, let’s face it, it was only a guesstimate at best but come Nov. 1st, I will be 2 years past his longest projected time frame. Now this may sound strange but I am so very grateful to that doctor for giving me an estimated time frame, granted I am even more grateful I have passed by it and will continue to keep going.

Why am I so grateful to this doctor. He told me I am dying which in turn forced me to face my own mortality. Yes, I went through a period of moaning and groaning about the whole situation and how unfair it was ect.. But, surprisingly it has turned out to be a wonderful experience. I really don’t think anyone can really appreciate or understand what I am saying unless you have been there and done that. His words caused me to really open my eyes and see things in an entirely different light. It truly is almost as if I see the world through different eyes. When you have something like that hanging over your head suddenly the length of the line up at the grocery store suddenly seems to be pretty insignificant. Suddenly all of the normal little trials and challenges we face in day to day life are put into proper prospective. Suddenly the challenges or “problems” of yesterday suddenly seem pretty insignificant. Life takes on an entirely different meaning. I see it for what it really is, how wonderful are the joys and how really trivial are the problems. I can look back at times when life seemed just overwhelming or so it felt at the time. I now see the “overwhelming” problem or issues of the time for what they really were. Pretty small in the overall scheme of things. Why did they seem so important, so big to me at the time? Why did I not recongnize how I was allowing myself to get so very worked up over something so very unimportant? I look back now and really see how precious time, I did and so many others are currently wasting really needlessly.

A moment spent in anger or in any negative thought process is a moment of joy lost forever. We can never get that moment back it is gone forever, wasted so foolishly.

I am thinking about my medications etc. knowing that if they were suddenly not available to me, I would likely be gone in a week or two. I think of how I am counting on the continued availability of the medications, but I am also counting on continued research to come up with continually new and more advanced way of doing things to keep me going for I hope years to come.

I am really struggling to come up with the words that really express what I am trying to say here. I want to issue a challenge to EVERYONE!!!! But first let’s be clear I am not asking for sympathy or anything of the sort. I don’t want it, I don’t need it, I am a lucky man and I admit it. There are millions out there that have it so much worse than I. I am trying to get across the idea of a thought process. I am not sure how well I worded that. But, here is the challenge. I challenge all to try to put yourself in my place, to look at the world through my eyes. Just look to see if you see the “challenges” and “problems” in your life in quite the same way. Please, let me know what you see. Also if you see someone in front of you in a line up or where ever that maybe is fumbling and taking a little extra time, let’s try and be a little patient with them. Who knows what is going on in their lives.

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9 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Looking through My Eyes

  1. Glenda says:

    wow, you kinda put things in prospective for me…my problems are minial
    Thanks you!
    Glenda, from T E X A S

    Hi Glenda, thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment. If I have been able to help you put things in prospective I am so glad. That is something I was unable to do through most of my life. It has only been in the past few years that I have really been able to see things more clearly.
    Bill

  2. Mel says:

    Every time I think I have a handle on ‘living one day at a time’, I get another lesson.
    Every time I think I ‘get’ “It’s all in how you look at it, kid….”, I ‘get’ more.

    Perspective is something I get to choose and no one else gets to choose for me. It’s kinda like that attitude thingy…..all mine to decide. Being a ‘control freak’ it works darn near every time when WPIML looks to me and says “So….letting circumstances and other people decide FOR you again, eh?”
    Rawr…..like heck I’m gonna let THAT happen…..

    So–while I know that ‘imposition’ line of thinking…..and I know me and my pattern (imposing and taking up doc’s time needlessly was one of MY deals). That thinking exacerbated circumstances that could have easily been righted had I chose my perspective about showing up when I wasn’t feeling the greatest and actually LETTING the doc do his job.
    I’m betting that’s why I now have a standing, weekly appointment with the man. LOL He can’t trust that I’m past that thinking/perspective.
    Cuz, not unlike you, I can diagnose myself. LOL

    Just a cold eh? *snickering*

    <–obviously being a poopus and giving you a good ribbing about that one cuz I know it soooooooooo well……

    ((((((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))

    REST, dangit!
    And let people do what people do?

    Yeah, yeah, yeah…..pot kettle, pot kettle, pot kettle—black!!!!!
    đŸ˜‰

    Mel, as always you are so right on with this comment. Everything really does depend on how you look at it and there is ALWAYS more than one way. I love your line, “Perspective is something I get to choose and no one else gets to choose for me.” Attitude is so very important. With the right attitude no one can make us feel upset or offend us in anyway, UNLESS, we allow it to happen. We are letting others control our lives but even more importantly we are allowing others to control our thoughts.
    I admit you were right I should have seen the doctor sooner, this bronchitis really has taken the wind out of my sails. But, I can still be grateful knowing I will be better in a day or two.

  3. Martha says:

    Hey Bill,
    I hope you make it 25 years past the date. Just keep on blogging and we’ll be here thinking.
    Martha

    Martha my dear friend, I am hoping to keep this blog going for years and years. Wait change that to I AM going to keep this blog going for years.

  4. psychscribe says:

    Bill, this particular line in your post is so beautiful: “A moment spent in anger or in any negative thought process is a moment of joy lost forever.” As for imagining what I would see thru your eyes, I kind of already can with my own diagnosis of lupus, tho it is not “terminal”. (What a ridiculous concept that is…”terminal illness”. We’re all terminal from the moment we take our first breath!) What I see is the beauty of the world, our time here, in the present moment- not looking back or forward but being fully present…

    I am sorry to hear of your lupus, I admit to not really knowing much about this disease other than it is terrible. You are in my prayers. You are so right on, live today, enjoy the beauty of today. Make the most of each precious moment, don’t waste a single moment as none of us knows how many moments we have left. Yesterday is but a memory, tomorrow but a dream, all we really have is the present.
    Bill

  5. Shawnna says:

    I don’t know you but your blog definitely caught my eye a few months back and I check in now & then. I was curious as to your take on salvation and what happens after we are gone?? If it’s too personal a question I completely understand. shawnnabuxton@gmail.com

    Hi Shawna, welcome to the site and thank you for the comment. I have my very strong beliefs in the afterlife. I realize I could fill an entire post with these thoughts and have decided that is what I will do. I will share all of my belief’s in the next day or so.
    Thanks for asking
    Bill

  6. Excellent post Bill. I too have had this revelation since being just days or hours away from death. Every day I wake up is another gift from God, every time that I can encourage someone, or make someone’s load a little lighter is just another example of why God allows me to live that day. God allows us to live each day to bring glory to Him that day, not for us to get bent out of shape over petty things.

    I smile at people a lot more, I’m more patient, I don’t get upset about things as easily, I let other people go in front of me in line and in traffic because it’s not a big deal anymore, that’s all small stuff when you put it all into perspective.

    I am sorry to hear of your obviously very serious health issues and hope all is well in that regard. But, really isn’t it such a wonderful thing when you get the “wake up” call. Your whole prospective on life on virtually everything changes. I am glad you heard the call, heeded it and am especially glad you are here to share it with us.
    Bill

  7. Sharon says:

    Bill

    I found you here and I’d like to say Thank You xx. You’re helping in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. I will be back to read about your beliefs, you can be sure of that.

    May God fill your life daily and may peace be yours now and always…..

    with love…………pax

    Sharon xx

    Hi Sharon, welcome, I thank you for the visit and the comment. If anything I have said has been of a help to you I am very glad. Hope you visit again and that I hear from you again.
    Bill

  8. Irene says:

    Hi Bill!!
    I haven’t had a chance to check in lately as I’m looking after 2 nieces of mine. They’re 3 and 6–and very busy!!! I didn’t realize that the attention span of those kiddies is less than 3 minutes!!!
    I think part of the problem of dealing with so called problems is that we have such difficulty understanding the difference between a problem and an incovenience. A problem is really only a problem if there isn’t any possible solution to it…therefore very few problems actually exist. The rest of the stuff is just that–stuff!! A miriad of inconveniences and irritants.
    I’m getting ready to go play Barbie with the wee ones…it’s not easy pretending to be Prince Antonio!! Talk to you soon…
    You’re in my thoughts and prayers, Wiseman.
    Irene

  9. KazC says:

    You’re amazing and selfless…this blog has helped so many people put their own lives into perspective……….it’s such a shame that there aren’t more gentle souls like you on this planet.
    I dropped onto your blog through another blog…almost by accident….and just felt compelled to read what you have written. I don’t have cancer myself but I am a palliative cancer therapist and although I can’t be in your shoes, I can stop for a while and only try to imagine what that’s like for you…..the power of positive thoughts and writing are very valuable and will extend your journey beyond belief….keep journeying, keep positive, keep hoping….
    Wishing for you as well as you can be….x
    Karen.

    Hi Karen, welcome to the blog. I thank you so much for your very kind words. If through my words I have been able to help even one person in even the smallest way, I am both gratified and satisfied.
    I have to admire you for the work that you do. Being a palliative cancer therapist I can only imagine is at times very hard emotionally. But, at other times I imagine would be so wonderfully gratifying. I admire you and your work.
    I do hope to hear from you again.
    Bill

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