Haven’t been feeling all that spry for the past bit and finally broke down and went to the doctor. I guess I feel I am already such a drain on the medical system with all of my various conditions, that I feel kind of reluctant to go for something I think is just a chest cold. I already have definite breathing issues with the heart failure and this “cold” was certainly aggravating that even more. Turns out I have bronchitis. Doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics and inhaler and already I am starting to feel much better. The miracles of modern medicine and medications is truly amazing. I am so very grateful for it all.
I am starting to feel better and am in a sort of mellow thoughtful mood. I look at my life and see how much I have to be grateful for. I think just on the medical side of my life. OK, it sucks that I have been diagnosed with heart failure, have a brain tumor, have diabetes…. But, I am such a lucky man, I think if I had been in this position even just 25 or 30 years ago, I would have long since been dead by now. It is the advances in modern medicine and medications that have kept me alive and for that I am grateful.
I am approaching what is for me a very important anniversary date. Only once has a doctor ever given me a guesstimated time frame for how long I have left. Now, let’s face it, it was only a guesstimate at best but come Nov. 1st, I will be 2 years past his longest projected time frame. Now this may sound strange but I am so very grateful to that doctor for giving me an estimated time frame, granted I am even more grateful I have passed by it and will continue to keep going.
Why am I so grateful to this doctor. He told me I am dying which in turn forced me to face my own mortality. Yes, I went through a period of moaning and groaning about the whole situation and how unfair it was ect.. But, surprisingly it has turned out to be a wonderful experience. I really don’t think anyone can really appreciate or understand what I am saying unless you have been there and done that. His words caused me to really open my eyes and see things in an entirely different light. It truly is almost as if I see the world through different eyes. When you have something like that hanging over your head suddenly the length of the line up at the grocery store suddenly seems to be pretty insignificant. Suddenly all of the normal little trials and challenges we face in day to day life are put into proper prospective. Suddenly the challenges or “problems” of yesterday suddenly seem pretty insignificant. Life takes on an entirely different meaning. I see it for what it really is, how wonderful are the joys and how really trivial are the problems. I can look back at times when life seemed just overwhelming or so it felt at the time. I now see the “overwhelming” problem or issues of the time for what they really were. Pretty small in the overall scheme of things. Why did they seem so important, so big to me at the time? Why did I not recongnize how I was allowing myself to get so very worked up over something so very unimportant? I look back now and really see how precious time, I did and so many others are currently wasting really needlessly.
A moment spent in anger or in any negative thought process is a moment of joy lost forever. We can never get that moment back it is gone forever, wasted so foolishly.
I am thinking about my medications etc. knowing that if they were suddenly not available to me, I would likely be gone in a week or two. I think of how I am counting on the continued availability of the medications, but I am also counting on continued research to come up with continually new and more advanced way of doing things to keep me going for I hope years to come.
I am really struggling to come up with the words that really express what I am trying to say here. I want to issue a challenge to EVERYONE!!!! But first let’s be clear I am not asking for sympathy or anything of the sort. I don’t want it, I don’t need it, I am a lucky man and I admit it. There are millions out there that have it so much worse than I. I am trying to get across the idea of a thought process. I am not sure how well I worded that. But, here is the challenge. I challenge all to try to put yourself in my place, to look at the world through my eyes. Just look to see if you see the “challenges” and “problems” in your life in quite the same way. Please, let me know what you see. Also if you see someone in front of you in a line up or where ever that maybe is fumbling and taking a little extra time, let’s try and be a little patient with them. Who knows what is going on in their lives.