Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Why me??

I have come to realize that every once in a while I need to put aside a little time. Time to just sit back, think about my life and count my blessings. I need to do this occasionally to bring my mind back into focus and to realize what a lucky man I really am.

OK, it is an accepted fact, my health may not be the best and often it seems to be so easy to get lost in thoughts of that. That takes me back to the good old Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.” My health conditions fall into that catagory, as much as I would like to I can not change them. Grudgingly, I must accept them and my life as it is, and move on if I am to get any pleasure and enjoyment out of it. Now, I didn’t just accept the original diagnosis. I didn’t like what I was hearing so I got a second opinion and then even a third opinion, all from highly qualified professionals in their field. Independently they all came to the same diagnosis. Now you have to know I really didn’t like that. Back to the serenity prayer, accept the things you can not change.

I realized how wonderful, how beautiful life is. I realized I was at a cross road on the highway of life. I had 2 paths to choose from:

Path one, accept what I could not change and really try not to fret about it. Now that is a lot easier said than done. Now with that I would naturally follow doctors orders, take all my medications……. and just move on to enjoy as much life as I have available to me. No one ever said life would always be easy but it can still be enjoyed.

Path two, would see me in something like panic mode. Possibly running from doctor to doctor, franticly searching for someone anyone that would claim to have a cure. I have total faith and trust in my doctors and know that is any such cure or new procedure were discovered they would bring it to my attention. By frantically running around what would I accomplish. I would be totally stressed (not good for the heart) and my attention would be totally focused on finding the elusive cure and not on simply enjoying life in what ever time I may have left.

As I am sitting here thinking I realize there could also be a third path. On this path, I could just become so bitter and angry over the hand life has dealt me that I would deny myself the enjoyment of what ever time is left. I could be bitter and angry screaming things like, why me? I admit, I went through what thankfully was a short period of the why me feelings. Come on, I have had 4 heart attacks that have damaged my heart and have me in heart failure. I have a brain tumor that causes embarrassing memory loss. I have diabetes, epilepsy, sleep apnea, carpal tunnel, peripheral neuropathy, thyroid problems and am prone to kidney stones. So I do think I have enough just medical conditions going on to entitle me to ask, WHY ME? It took me a while but then I realized why not me? I have no idea of the statistics but every year a certain percentage of the population will get each of these conditions. I realized what could make me so special as to have the Good Lord spare me over anyone else? Huh, what makes me so special? Now don’t you just hate it when you can’t think of one single reason for what makes me special, or more special than anyone else. Special enough to warrant me being spared over anyone else. No reason I can think of, so just accept this is where the highway of life has lead me. I do wish I had come to this realization long ago, about the why me. Bad, sad and tragic things happen everyday and it sucks big time. No one that I know of ever said life would always be easy but it can always be lived in the best way we can. There are for sure times of tragedy and grief when it seems next to impossible to get any real joy out of life. But, we all know the joy can be returned and we never know what lies just around the next bend in the highway of life.


5 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Why me??

  1. ceeque says:

    yep, like this idea, am at it too! I still ask “why me?” at times, sometimes life bugs me stupid! Overall though, I feel grateful for what I`ve got and I feel it alot now! 🙂

  2. Henri says:

    So live your life so the fear of death can never enter your heart.

    Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their views, and demand that they respect yours.

    Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and of service to your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

    Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a stranger if in a lonely place. Show respect to all people, but grovel to none.

    When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself.

    When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.

    Chief Tecumseh

    I immediately thought of this after reading your post, …

    Henri, I thank you for sharing these wonderful words. These words to give us a guide by which to live our lives. Live your life today so that when your time does come you can leave this world with a peaceful heart. Leaving this world with no regrets, nothing unsaid or undone.

  3. Laura says:

    I think that many of us think “why me?” thinking that we are the only ones thinking that. If we only knew the “why me’s” that others experience we could feel that this is, indeed, a part of the journey, and we could also find more compassion rather than envy, which is surely a healthier outlook.

    Laura (www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com)

    Laura you bring up an excellent point here. When we feel trapped in the middle of a big field of woe, we can often feel so alone. At times I think even taking it to the point of feeling “no one else can understand, no one else has it this bad or is this helpless”.
    If we could but walk a mile in the shoes of another, we could realize they have or have had similar or even greater issues to deal with.
    Good point thanks for bringing it up

  4. Laura says:

    I’ve been wondering about path 2. Did you have many people, or vociferous people, who looked at you askance because you did not choose that option? Throughout my divorce I have had people TELL me to get out, TELL me that I am not handling things right. While they were well-meaning, and their advice was not taken because it was not right for me or my situation, their words and how they implied that I was perceived have stayed with me. It just occurred to me that that could have been a really tough thing to deal with in your situation.

    Laura (www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com)

    Hi Laura, that hasn’t been to much of an issue for me. I am very lucky and grateful that my family knows my thoughts and feelings and does respect that. On my heart condition I did get a second and then a third opinion from top notch, highly trained and highly respected doctors. If I in fact had not done that, I am sure they would be on my case to do so. Plus, they have had what I suppose you could call prep time. I had the first of my 4 heart attacks when I was 39. That has been followed by a seemingly endless list of surgeries, procedures, hospital stays etc.. I think this gave them time to prepare themselves knowing my time on this earth MAY be some what more limited than any of us would like.

  5. Mel says:

    I’ve quit asking ‘why me’ and started humbling reminding myself ‘why NOT me’.

    I don’t always LIKE humility…..but it seems to serve me well.

    ((((((((((((( Bill )))))))))))))

    Mel, right on

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