Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thoughts of Suicide


Feeling good, just tired. Have an appointment at the heart failure clinic next week. Just the regular follow up, I am sure everything will be just fine.

I recently learned that the teenage son of a dear friend attempted suicide. I know none of the circumstances or of his overall situation. I will be contacting this friend shortly to offer any support I can. I can’t imagine as a parent the worry, the pain, the fear they must be feeling. This just has to be one of a parents worst nightmares. I just can’t imagine what it must be like, my heart just bleeds for everyone involved. You are all in my prayers. To my dear friends know I will be contacting you shortly.

My heart really does bleed when I hear of situations such as this. There must be statistics out there some where on teen suicide, in fact I am sure there are I have just never looked for them. It just seem so sad when it is someone so young with their entire life to look forward to. Really though age is no determining factor, it is sad and tragic at any age.

It all just makes me so sad. It also makes me think more of how precious every moment of life on this earth really is. I read this somewhere, “no one said life would be easy but it is meant to be enjoyed”. What do you do when all of the joy has been taken out of your life? Years ago I was in that exact position. I know what it is like to feel the weight of the whole world on your shoulders where you feel nothing but sadness and pain. I found myself standing in what I saw as a deep dark valley totally surrounded by mountains. Mountains so high, their shadow blocked any sunlight from even reaching in to me. I have stood deep in that valley where everywhere you look you seem just mountains or pain, problems or stress surrounding you, no matter where you look you just see no way out. The mountains of problems just seem so high that no sunlight can get in, you just can’t see even a glimmer of light or hope for any change in the future. It is easy to just give up in despair. How often have I written that life is meant to be enjoyed not endured. What if you are trapped in that valley of woe, enduring a hard life. So very unhappy and can just see no way out. If you are trapped in that valley for long enough your outlook on life can become so bleak you just want out. If you become desperate enough suicide is obviously one way out. suicide is never the only way out and it is never the right way out.

I found my way out of my own valley of woe, by changing just a bit of my thinking. At the time I saw my life as being stagnant, not moving in any direction, I was trapped and not going anywhere. It took me a while to realize, life is not stagnant there are changes happening every day. Granted most of these changes are so small so tiny they don’t even register on our personal radar. I began to view life as a highway through this journey we call life. We are all traveling through life on this “highway” that will ultimately lead us to the same destination. What are there something like 6 billion people in the world today, so there are 6 billion individual highways of life all leading to the same destination. Many of these highways will crisscross as people come and go from our lives. Many highways will run exactly parallel to our own so closer than others, being family and friends.

Life is a journey on which we travel the highway of life. Really it is no different than on other highway. It has twists and turns, pot holes and construction areas. It does though also have long smooth sections. It is like we are traveling a long unfamiliar road with no road map to show us exactly where the twists and turns will be. As with traveling on any highway we must always be attentive to looking forward. Who knows when a sharp bend or turn in the road will take us in a different direction. Traveling on any highway we know there will be the occasional pot hole. Looking forward we can either swerve to avoid it or maybe get a little bumped up if we hit it. There can be huge unexpected construction zones where travel is terribly bumpy and at times can seem endless. Remember, our individual highway of life is unmapped, uncharted. We don’t know what the next bend in the road will bring. All we do know is life is full or twists and turns. That very next curve in the road up a head could lead to miles and miles of beautiful paved highway with not even a pothole in sight for miles.

As much as it may seem we are stuck in life, we aren’t stuck we are maybe just traveling at a slower speed. But we are traveling forward. I suppose realistically using my highway comparison there could be times when we do get stuck. If we are going through a really bad construction area we could get our vehicle stuck in the mud and really just sit there spinning our wheels and getting no where. If you do get stuck and are just spinning your wheels, there is always help available. Seek help and there is always someone ready to tow you out of the mud or to help push you through it. We just have seek it and it is there. If the vehicle you are traveling through life in does get so mired down in the mud you just can’t get it out. Maybe you have to abandon that vehicle and even walk for the next distance. No matter how you travel it the road is always there before you.

Suicide is never the answer. No matter how hard or dismal the road in front of you may look the driving conditions will change.

I just rambled through all of this, I am not sure if my highway comparison even makes any sense but it does to me. I say this to anyone that may be contemplating suicide that may read this. Please don’t do anything rash, just think about what I am saying. I say this to you, your life situation may be unbearable and unlivable but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Possibly it may seem you are mired down on the highway of life, stuck unable to move ahead. It may actually seem that a happy life is but an impossible dream. That dream is real and it is not impossible. It is possible irregardless of current circumstances or your situation. Grab on to that seemingly impossible dream of the happy life, don’t let go of it. It really is possible for you and could be just around the next bend in the road.

If you are contemplating any such actions, I beg you please to wait. Get your phone book, get the number for a suicide hotline. Call them and talk to them, hey what do you have to loose. Talk to them and really explain your thoughts and feelings. Can’t for what ever reason talk to them, then please talk to a family member, a friend, a clergy man, just talk to someone about your life and thoughts. Go to the emergency room at the hospital and talk to them there. There is help for you, the help you need to get you back on the highway of life again.

I would suggest this only as a very last resort, before you do anything contact even me. leave me a message here on the blog. It can be done anonymously and I will get back to you as quickly as I can via email. I suggest this only as a last resort for 2 reasons. I am not qualified in anything, I am just me and I do care about you. I am not a doctor or a therapist just me. Plus, depending on the day I may only get to the computer once or twice and while I would respond asap it may take time. Life really is to precious to give up on.

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7 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thoughts of Suicide

  1. Irene says:

    Dear Bill,
    It’s not easy to do, and it’s not an overnight thing, but if we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. It’s really all in the perception. Young people have a difficult time seeing the “big” picture and that can sometimes present real problems for them as it all seems too much, too difficult, too steep. Older people think they see the big picture and it scares them.
    I think it’s a good time for another general prayer for everyone out there. Peace to everyone. Thinking of you lots, Wiseman.
    Irene

    Irene my friend so nice to hear from you. You are absolutely right, everything is in how we perceive things. There are always 2 ways we can look at everything. I thank you for the prayer suggestion it is always a good one.
    Bill

  2. Grace says:

    ((( Bill )))

    What a beautifully wise and powerful post. Thank you so much for sharing your strength and hope with others. I hope that all turns out well for this young man…life is indeed worth living, if we just hold on to the hope that a brighter day is possible.

    Hi Grace nice to hear from you. I thank you for your so kind words about the post. We have to some how get everyone to really realize life is indeed worth living. The brighter day can be just around the next bend in the highway.
    Hope all is well with you
    Bill

  3. Jordan says:

    Hi Bill. I have been reading your journal regularly and i think it is a very worthwhile honest important endeavor and i am sure it is a big help to a lot of people. I have a few ideas and thoughts i would love to talk to you about by email. If possible at your convenience please email me: panoramaictv@hotmail.com
    thanks so much for all that you do.
    Jordan
    Hi Jordan glad you stopped by to visit. Sent the email to you, received your reply. I am very interested in possibly pursuing your idea and am looking forward to hearing more from you.
    Bill

  4. Jo Hart says:

    Very Deep & very powerfull Bill. I had a friends who’s dad commited suicide and he unfortunately did not even leave a note. It has left so many unanswered questions for them. Suicide & what it does to families is frightening. That person is gone, but families live on with the “What If’s”. All prayers for the world today….. If only we can make it a better, safer place, at least we are trying…..

    Ah Jo, I am so sorry to hear of your friends father. The pain to the family is unbearable and so tragic. I join you in prayers for the world. There is no one in this world that wouldn’t benefit from a prayer.
    Thank you my friend
    Bill

  5. Mel says:

    *sending prayers and positive thoughts to the kiddo and family*

    Bless your heart, Bill.

    Mel, I thank you so much
    Bill

  6. mspennylane says:

    You say you rambled through the post, but it seems to make a lot of sense and is a good way of describing life. I hope that I am as strong when I face my own bends in the road, and they can be scary but I am also excited about them. I am very sorry to hear about your friend’s son, though, and hope that the family will find a way to move on.

    Hello mspennylane, I thank you for your visit and the comment. I do believe life is like a journey. We make that journey on the highway of life. That is what makes life exciting is knowing there will always be curves in the road ahead and just waiting to see what awaits us.
    Hope you will stop by again.
    Bill

  7. sparkle333 says:

    Hi Bill: What wonderful writing! I just found your blog through a link on Shadowlands “Valley Of The Shadows” blog. I have a blog also-“Sparkle’s Search For Happiness” It is a mixture of things, including being the primary caregiver for my widowed, elderly mom (who just broke her right foot, left leg, and right hip.) A very huge pothole on the highway of life! At any rate, I enjoyed this post so much, and will be back often. You are a very good writer, and God bless and take care of you-Sparkle

    Hi Sparkle, welcome to my site. I thank you so much for your kind comments. I will be over to visit you at yours. Please stop by again.
    Bill

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