Would it sound strange for me to say I “needed” to reread on of my own posts? When I write, in this my journal, I just let the thoughts come and then post them, be what they may and as they came. I am sure that the fact that I don’t plan and think out a posting, and that I don’t proof read, edit or anything like that is obvious many times.
So if I am writing from my heart with the thoughts in my head, why would I need to go back to reread one of my own posts and how could I seemingly gain or benefit from reading my own thoughts?
For me anyway, I know it can almost vary depending even on the on the day I am having. How do I describe this my beliefs never change, I suppose it is more how I accept or deal with my beliefs that may vary. i know what I know but still find at times I need reminders of what it is I do believe in, or what it is I do know. Depending on the day or the situation, how I am feeling, what ever. It can seem that at times my levels of things like, acceptance, determination, any strength or courage I may have, may vary. At times something will happen that just seems to “rock my world”. At times like these I never question my faith but I suppose it is the amount of comfort or support that I can take from it that can vary. It is at times like this that I scurry to the comfort of my meditation chair. Here I often receive more clarity or am led to someone or something that will help provide me with what I need at the moment.
Would it sound strange for me to say, I think I need to let go of life. Understand, I certainly don’t mean let go of living life. I want to really live life to the fullest for as long as I can. This is complicated even within my own mind, so I hope I can find the words to describe what it is I mean.
It is sometimes like my own thoughts directly contradict themselves. Daily, I pray for God’s will to be done in my life and often it seems I will find some sort of an issue in which I try to exert my own will as I “KNOW” what is best for me. i allow myself to feel hurt, upset or what ever, when in these situations if it not my will that prevails. There was a time when my daily prayer was more like a shopping list than a true prayer. It was sort of like, “please give me this, and this and this.” I was left feeling let down and I suppose feeling disappointed in God, that my prayers hadn’t been answered. I mean I hadn’t been given everything on my “shopping list” so obviously my prayer hadn’t been answered. What is up with that, I prayed for it so why didn’t I get what I asked for, I mean I was only asking for things that I knew would make my life better and who better than I would know what would make my life better.
It has taken me a while to get to the point where I can see how every single prayer has been answered in a positive way. Just not always in the positive way I was asking for. In each situation it was not until well after the fact that I was able to look back and really see and appreciate how the prayer was answered. We live in a physical world inhabited by physical people, it would only seem therefore natural that the Good Lord would use other physical people here on earth to help answer our prayers. I have heard the saying, “when the student is ready to learn a teacher will appear.” I have always said we can learn from everyone and should always be open to do so. I know I have done it, so I have to wonder how many others have done it also. I have been in situations where it seemed my whole life was a total mess, everything was out of control. I would turn to God in prayer, with something like, “my whole life is such a mess, I can’t take all of this anymore, please, please get me out of this.” I would wake up the next morning and be disappointed to see, nothing had changed, here I was still in my own world of woe. I would be disappointed to see that something akin to a miracle hadn’t happened that instantly changed ever aspect of my life, just like that. Poof, and all my problems would be gone.
I know that God’s love for us, his children is far greater, far stronger than anything we can imagine. Yes, He could cause a miracle to happen and poof our lives would just instantly be different. So often we seem to get stuck in the circumstances of the moment and loose sight of the overall big picture of our lives. I think that God’s love for us is actually to great, to strong to just “poof” away our problems. That would in fact be depriving us of an opportunity to grow inside as a person, to become a better and a stronger person. Let’s face it the mess, what ever mess it is our lives are in, we didn’t get ourselves there intentionally. We likely got our selves into that position over a number of years, mistakes and poor decisions got us where we are. It is often easy to look back and now see out mistakes and recognize some of our poor choices or decisions. We have to accept the fact that back when we made those choices and decisions they were the ones that likely seemed to be best for us at the time. It is easy to say “have I ever learned my lesson with this one.” I hope and pray that is true but I have to think that in at least most cases if we don’t learn from our mistakes we are likely bound to repeat them. An example of this just comes to mind, how often do we hear of battered and abused women managing to escape on relationship only to shortly thereafter enter into another identical relationship.
God, does want us all to grow to become the very best “spiritual beings” we can be. He will give us opportunities in which we can grow and will help us and support us through this growth period, by sending us teachers, helpers, supporters, who ever it is we need at the time. We need to just accept responsibility for our lives, accept when we are in a mess and open our eyes to see and to accept the help and support, the teachings that will be made available. If your life truly is in a “mess” it will take life changes to get you out of it. It takes courage to see out from what has become your norm, it takes courage to accept change is needed, it take courage and determination to seek to make the changes that will positively impact your life. It takes courage to be able to put trust in something or someone that is seemingly beyond, your vision of the “norm”. It takes courage to accept that what has become your vision of the “norm” may not be in line with reality. It takes a great desire to grow as a person, to improve you life, to be able to leave your existing perceived reality and to reach out for help from those around you, maybe forcing you to see a new reality, or life as it is intended to be. Help is always there just look for it and reach for it.
I needed a reminder about answered prayer and was led by my friend Jen, to one of my own posts. Titled Answered Prayers, I think it was in May of last year. I needed the gentle reminder that prayers are answered. Here is a portion of that posting:
“…..I only had 4 or 5 seizures when I actually fell. Those were the strangest things. I would be just doing what ever and the next thing I know I am flat on my face on the ground. No memory of falling or anything just there I am on the floor or on the ground. Usually, just a minute or two to clear my head and I was fine, just very tired. Now wouldn’t you think even just the law of averages would say out of my 4 or 5 falls at least once I would land on something soft like a bed or couch or something. Nope, once I even broke my wrist and a second time sprained my ankle. I must think, I am a macho guy or something because when I “pick” something to land on it is always hard. I think the one that creeps me out the most is finding myself literally face down on the floor of a not so clean public washroom (restroom), yuck.
It has taken me a while to realize that my many prayers over the years have been answered. Answered, just not in exactly the way I was praying for or I suppose even partially expecting.
OK, what are my conditions: damaged heart, heart failure, unstable angina, prone to tachycardia, edema, brain tumor, epilepsy, diabetes, thyroid problems, sleep apnea, carpal tunnel, peripheral neuropathy and post traumatic stress disorder.
I wasn’t diagnosed with all of these in one shot, it was over the course of time. Most though in 2003 and 2004 those were almost like nightmare years I even came to the point of “joking” about how I don’t want to see the doctor any more, every time I do, he has found something new.
Oh, how I prayed back then. Now I see my prayers were my own personal wish lists, I suppose it became almost comparable to a grocery shopping list, I need this and I need this and that. I can see that I was hoping, Our Heavenly Father would reach down touch me on the forehead and poof all my problems would be gone. What did I get instead within a month or two I would be hit with another diagnosis of another condition. This was like my prayers being answered in reverse, I am praying for health and am getting the exact opposite in response. What is up with this?
As I am typing this I have actually just sat here for about 5 or 10 minutes wondering. Wondering, why the thought never even seemed to enter my head at anytime, to maybe question my faith. Not once ever have I question or doubted my faith in God. Now that is certainly not to say that I never questioned or disagreed with His decisions. By that I mean I have ALWAYS known what is best for me, how wrong could I be. Was I disappointed in the lack of positive response to my prayers, for sure.
Over the years my prayers have changed as has my way of seeing things. I now see every prayer was indeed answered in a positive way.
When my health issues with my heart first began, I was praying for help, hoping for a miracle. My idea of the miracle would be that suddenly my heart would be healed. Instead, I was guided to the right doctors who were able to prescribe the right medications. All things I needed help with and I did receive that help. God works in mysterious ways and often utilizes people on this earth to help in His work. Who granted the doctor with the brains and the desire to help other. Who placed the doctor in the right place at the right time. Scientists somewhere “discovered” the medications I required. Who was it that inspired them to do so. To me the answer to all these questions is obvious.
As my list of conditions increased, my prayers changed to asking for strength in dealing with all of this. Here the prayer was clearly directly answered as I did reach the point where I could joke about it all.
Finally, my prayer changed yet again. Now, I pray for nothing more than for God’s will to be done in my life. This prayer has also been answered as I am no longer plagued with questions about the hows or the whys of all of this. I can’t explain any of all of this, why it is happening in my life. I don’t have to be able to explain it. It is God’s will and that certainly is good enough for me.
Everyone of my prayers was indeed, answered in a positive way.”