Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Examining our motives

I am not sure why this year is different than others it seems. We just passed Mother’s Day and I seem to be spending more time thinking of my mother than I have in past years. It is more than 17 years since she passed over. Every year on Mother’s Day and on her birthday, I make a point of taking at least a few minutes to sit quietly and just think of her, say a little prayer and thank her for being my mother.

I love my mother very much, and yes I mean it in the current and not past tense. She may not be here with me in a physical sense, but she is still my mother. Still my mother, just residing in a much better place. I know in God’s time I will see her again. Of that I have no doubt what so ever.

My belief system did indeed help ease the pain and sense of loss at her passing. I KNOW she was in a tremendous amount of pain prior to her passing. I KNOW she is now in a much much better place, I KNOW I will in God’s time be seeing her again. I KNOW that her leaving this world when she did was what God knew to be best for her and He called her home. I KNEW in my heart even back at the time that I should be happy for her that she was gone, I mean considering where I knew she had gone to. I KNEW my feelings of grief and loss were the inner selfish me seeing only what I was losing, having her in my life. I certainly can’t say that even with this belief that it made the dealing with her loss easy, it certainly was not, but I do think it helped, at least make it easier.

In my mind I have a comparable I use when I think of the loss of a loved one, I know I have written about it before.

I think of this. Suppose a loved one won something really spectacular say a cruise around the world that would last a full year. You know your loved one would have the time of their lives, be happier than possibly ever before. How do you deal with this? You do want your loved one to be happy, but having him/her gone for a full year. That could mean you have to make changes to your own life, I mean a year is a long time for them to be gone. I am sure there are many but I see there as being basically 3 different ways we could deal with it.

#1. Feel our love for the person foremost. Be happy for them, be so glad in your own heart that they have this chance for happiness and joy. Encourage and support them as they prepare for this wonderful time. For sure you know you are going to miss them, but know you can deal with it. The fact they will be happy makes you happy. To me this is the loving approach.

#2. You grudgingly give into them going. But, you make it plain and obvious how difficult things will be for you without them around for this time. You rob them of the shine the excitement of the trip. You fill them with worry and dread about how you will be able to make out with them gone. Yes, they may still go but the enjoyment factor of possibly the entire time is greatly reduced. Who is to know, maybe the enjoyment is even replaced with regret for having gone on the trip, we are so filled with worry about those left behind, how they are doing and how they are feeling.

#3. We take our personal selfishness to the extreme. I don’t care how much joy or happiness he/she will have. I need him/her here with me. I don’t want to have to make any changes in my life, I want things to remain as they are. I like life as it is now and I don’t want him/her to even think of changing the way I want it to be. So what if they miss out on this chance, there will be others. Now way I am going to let them do this to me, I am going to do anything and everything I can to stop it. “I know the way things should be and will be.”

As I am sitting here I realize this applies to virtually every situation in our lives, when it comes to dealing with loved ones and well with everyone in which we have contact. Each of us is an individual and as such have our own personal “agendas”. Our personal agendas motivate our actions and interactions with all others. Are our motives our actions love based or are they based on our own selfishness? I don’t think there is really any gray area here, when it really comes down to it, it is one or the other, love or selfishness. I know it is so easy to rationalize away our individual situations, thinking, “yeah but this is different”. NO IT IS NOT, not if you are honest and really get down to the core of the matter. I want and I really do try to make all of my actions and interactions love based.

Wow, I got off on a bit of a tangent there. But it is what I believe. I guess it is obvious I don’t plan my posts I just start writing what is in my heart and mind. Thoughts just go where they go. This is my journal and I just write.

I knew when my mother passed, she had gone on a voyage. A voyage to a wonderful destination where she would be so happy, she would be in such a better place and so very much better off. My sense of loss was real. I knew my life was changed forever. It would never be the same without her in it. But, I knew I could deal with the change. I chose to celebrate, remember and appreciate the time we had together rather than “just” mourn what I had lost.

I have no doubt, never have had any doubt, that my mother still “exists”. I use the term “exists” as I am not quite sure how else to describe it. She is maybe just in a different form, living in a different Realm.

I am not sure what has made this Mother’s Day different, it is almost like I can feel her presence her with me. Not sure, if that makes any sense of how else to describe it. It is just how I feel.

This post certainly took a different direction on me but that seems to so often happen. I have said before of my little routine before I write. I say a little prayer asking for guidance and direction in what I am going to write. I ask for guidance in finding the words that my help someone, anyone today. I then call upon the Arch Angels Gabriel, Uriel, and Raphael to be with me and guide my thought. From there I just go at it. When I sat down I had intended to write of the wonderful things my mother taught me and of how grateful I was to her for those lessons. I guess that will wait until tomorrow, I am tired and heading for a nap.