I’ve taken a few days off from the daily journaling. Occasionally, I need to regroup and get my thoughts together, sort of re-a-line my thinking.
I realize I have allowed myself to become somewhat complacent about some of my medical conditions. I hear words like heart failure and suddenly my heart becomes foremost to my mind. I really haven’t been feeling to spry for the past month or so but put it down mostly to the nasty chest cold I have had for over 3 months.
I go for regular blood tests, the results of which are forwarded to my doctor and he reviews them with me at each appointment. My regular appointment was last week. At my last visit he had prescribed a new pill to control my blood sugar levels with the diabetes. Well something is apparently not working quite right as he described the diabetes as being out of control. More blood tests and I see him again next week.
Now as a heart patient I suppose I am somewhat spoiled. Everyone maintains a very positive upbeat attitude, sort of like “don’t worry, don’t get stressed and focus on the long term”. It was a little unsettling when I could clearly see the doctor was worried. Now especially when he threw in a few words such as amputations. Not something I have anywhere on my list of things I would like to do.
With the progression of the disease I have lost most of the feeling in my hands and feet. It is hard to describe the sensation. I still have some feeling, it is sort of like, if you scratch your foot while wearing a heavy wool sock. I can feel it but not very clearly.
I appreciate it when my doctors are open and honest with me. His comment, “it is your diabetes that is going to kill you” seemed almost harsh at the moment. But, I really don’t want to be left trying to read between the lines. Tell me, as it is.
It takes me a few days to get my head wrapped around some issues. I need time to retreat to my meditation chair and really think it through. I admit to having a couple of poor me days. Thinking thoughts such as why me and it is just not fair. I mean, I have the bad heart, heart failure, a brain tumor, diabetes, epilepsy, sleep apnea, when is enough, enough.
It has taken a few days but I think I have my head back in forward gear. I questioned, why me? But really, why not me? Millions of people every year are afflicted with each of those conditions. Why would I think, I am so special the Good Lord would spare me over another. Actually, there is no real reason I can think of.
The Good Lord has actually spared me through 4 heart attacks. I believe, He obviously has some plan in mind for me. I know that what ever that plan may be, it is for my best interest. I am content with that and am ready for what ever may come my way.