Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Me indispensable????

For the past couple of days I have been writing about some actual events in my life and my reactions to them. Even as I write I realize what an idiot it all makes me sound like. Fair enough for really that is what I was. With my 20:20 hind sight I can clearly see that now, but at the time, in the heat of the moment it all seemed to be the thing to do. I hope by sharing this others may look at their own situations when they are “in the heat of the moment” and really question themselves, is what I am doing really the best thing to do? What can seem like the necessary thing isn’t always the right thing. It is kind of embarrassing actually to admit this all to the world. It certainly doesn’t make me out to be the smartest guy in the world.

It is just I know there are others that take their dedication to the job to the extreme. Often I have heard things like: “it is a busy time at work, I just can’t be sick now. Or, “it wouldn’t be fair to my coworkers, if I am not there my duties fall onto them and they are all to busy already.” Another I have just been reminded of by Mel, “just get up and move, you will feel better.”

I am not sure, but I have begun to wonder, are we giving ourselves some sort of an ego boost? Maybe even subconsciously or something, why else would I seem to have the idea and this also may even just be on a subconscious level, that my contribution was so important. Would the entire bank actually collapse if I wasn’t there for a day?

I ask one question directly to anyone that may choose to read this. Have you ever had thoughts along these lines or heard others say something like this. If so give yourself or them a slap on the side of the head and say wise up. Your health is the most important thing you have to take care of.

In the year 2000 the bank ask me to go into Norway House to manage the branch there. I have many stories I can and will be sharing about what a really wonderful place it is. The only draw back to Norway House is that it is an extremely remote and isolated community. It is about an 8 hour drive to Winnipeg. The last 2 hours of that drive is straight into the bush on a gravel road.

It is a community of about 7,000 people, with only one financial institution to serve their financial needs. That one bank had only one person authorized to grant loans or deal with investments mutual funds etc. That was me. The closest other bank was about 3 hours away. We provided an important service to a lot of people. As the only lender available I felt even a greater responsibility to be at work every day.

In my mind I was responsible for representing the bank in a professional manner, having no one there to service those needs couldn’t be considered responsible. Many in the community even seemed to considered me to be the bank.

Heart conditions can be misleading. It is not like having a cut on your arm where you can see the injury and rationalize in your mind the need to care for it. This wound is internal and can be deceptive. You can’t see the damage and on good days can easily convince yourself you are alright.

I have a whole list of events I could rattle off showing how I put the bank and customers ahead of my health showing my continuing and increasing foolishness. Of my bouts with tachycardia, my heart rate going up to over 200 beats per minute. The doctor telling me to take a month off work to rest and avoid stress, and me returning to work after 4 days. Why, because that is where the bank needed me and that is where my customers needed me. The new medications or something had kicked in and I was feeling better. At that same time I was bombarded with phone calls at home from customers and bank staff all with issues and problems I couldn’t deal with being at home. For me that was even more stressful than it would have been actually being at work, so off I went. Now I wonder why didn’t I just unplug the phone, that thought never even entered my mind back then. I think this was the occasion when Vi actually went behind my back and phoned my boss, Ken. After she explained the circumstances, I quickly received a phone call and was sent home. Why was it suddenly more acceptable to me having my boss tell me to go, than just going myself. It was like the yolk of responsibility was lifted from my shoulders. Can anyone else relate to that feeling?

Hey even other more obvious issues didn’t stop me. In that same time period I broke my right wrist, there is a really bizarre story behind that one, that I will share one day. Doctors reset the break not realizing at the time, a part of the bone was shattered not just a clean break. I missed no time at all for that but trying to type left handed only certainly did slow me down and lengthened the days. It caused a lot of constant pain. Cast was supposed to be on for 6 weeks but I finally went to the doctor after about 4 because of the constant pain and it not getting any better. A new xray revealed the shattered bone with little jagged pieces sticking out which explained the pain. I was quickly scheduled for surgery in Winnipeg, which involved chiseling out the shattered bone part and implanting a piece of bone taken from my hip. I thought my wrist had been painful but that was nothing like the pain with the hip. I would have to check my old journal but I think that kept me home for 3 days. That next week or so was agony with the hip. When I got into work and my butt plopped into my chair there was no way I would be moving.

But, hey I did what I had to do. I KEPT THE BANK RUNNING. I was indispensable or so I thought, I am pretty sure the whole banking system as we know it would have collapsed without my efforts. LOL, that is really a big laugh out loud.

Through out this all chest pains began to increase as did trips to the hospital ER and so did my time off work. In this time a new development began to show itself. I started having falls. I had no memory of the fall itself, just suddenly I found myself on the floor. It got to the point, I used to joke, I am going to have to try and time my falls differently. I always landed on something hard or even worse hard and disgusting, The most disgusting was suddenly finding myself face down on the floor of a not so clean public wash room. I am not sure but is joking about things and just laughing them off a coping mechanism, I don’t know? Several times with these falls I sustained some sort of minor injury, not enough to stop me, but did slow me down. Beyond the fall itself, I suppose the most potentially dangerous one was a fall I took on the way to work. We lived only a short distance from the bank and I usually walked. It was one of those “Manitoba winter days” temperature was around -40. I suddenly found myself flat on my back in a ditch. Now I couldn’t have been down very long as when I regained my senses I was cold but not freezing cold. I wiped the snow off my pants and carried on to where I was “needed”.

Now, I may sound like it but I really am not a complete idiot. The doctors having no clear diagnosis or what was causing all my issues, thought it was likely side effects of the various medications I was on, possibly the side effects of different medications interacting with each other. Some where in there I developed edema (retaining fluid) and water pills were added to the mix. Just carry on as best you can and your body will adjust. It is important to understand here that I have nothing but very good things to say about the quality of the medical care I was receiving. My health issues were just more complicated than anyone realized at the time.

The main complication was discovered almost accidentally. In one of my heart related trips to the ER, it was feared I may have had a stroke. I was sent by air ambulance to here in Winnipeg and after numerous tests including a C-scan there was good news and bad news. The good news I had not had a stroke, the bad news they discovered a brain tumor. I was subsequently diagnosed with epilepsy trigger by the tumor.

Strange as it may sound it was almost a relief to learn of the tumor, it explained so much. Tumor is in the right frontal lobe in an area of the brain that affect things such as JUDGEMENT and impulsivity.

I have been poking away at this post for 3 days now. I thought I would finish my sage of my last days with the bank and subsequent events but I realize I am rambling and still have more to say.

I can only hope that anyone that may read this will take a look at their own lives. See if there is any similarity and if so change. The end result of all of this is, the bank did not collapse but my health did. What more can be said than that. No one is indispensable at work no matter what the circumstances. Stress is a killer, putting anything before your health is a killer. Please look very seriously at your own lives.

Surprising to me is how just writing this is stirring up so much emotion within me. In the next day or so I will write about the really scary and stressful time.