Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Road to Death

Yesterday, was a much better day for Vi. She even got out puttering around in the garden a little. She says she is fine but I can see she is still not 100%. Trying to get her to just rest for a few days is impossible. Her idea of rest is still doing 10 times as much as I do on a regular day. I am still struggling accepting my physical limitations. Vi’s brother Henri has been coming over helping a lot with the outside work that needs to be caught up on. Patching a leaking eaves trough plus a lot of other things. Thank you Henri, you are a real blessing to us.

I am going to have to phone my doctor today. For the past 3 days, I have intended to go for blood tests he has requested. No problem going for the tests, except for one. How could one of the various tests they are going to do on my blood make any difference? Well it does if it is for my sugar levels for my diabetes. That one is like a double test. I fast, they take the blood. I then go out and eat a big breakfast and 2 hours later another blood sample is taken checking for any change in the blood sugar levels. Simple, right, well not so simple if there is no way you can eat the big breakfast, nausea won’t let you keep anything down. There has to be some other way.

Vi made such a wonderful comment a couple of days ago. She was right in the midst to the worst of the flu and was really sick and I mean really sick. In between throwing up sessions she comment on how occasionally it is good to feel this way. Good only in that it was a short term reminder of how others feel even on a daily basis. Vi, you are awesome.

That simple comment keeps running though my head. Dying can be a very scary, lonely process. I wonder how others deal with it. What else is there in this physical world that we must do totally alone. Everyone of us is preparing to make that same journey, we are just doing it on different time schedules. There is no denying the fact every single on of us will make that journey at some time. We all know that, yet death remains almost like a taboo subject. We don’t talk about it or even really think about it, “it is just to morbid”. Why is it “morbid” it is a reality. Now I am not suggesting we all run around continually talk about death and dying that would be morbid. Death is a fact of life. I think it is just plain fear that causes us to push the mere thought from our minds.

Fear of thinking of our own mortality and the having to make that final journey all alone into the “great unknown”. Or, fear of loosing a loved one, knowing the pain that will come with that. Or, even fear of facing a future without that special someone in our lives.

I have a very strong faith that has helped me so so much. More than anyone could imagine, unless I suppose you are in my position. I wonder about those that do not have a strong faith to carry them through this. I can’t begin to imagine how scary and lonely that must be. I pray the Good Lord will comfort them. I have very strong Christian beliefs but death is not only restricted to Christians. I wonder about people of other faiths and wonder how their faith and beliefs comfort them. This can be a long, lonely road.

There is an old saying “misery likes company” well I am not really sure that is fitting for what I mean, but I think it gets the message across. We as a human race are all in this together. Religion, culture, politics, race nothing enters into this. Everyone of us is making that same lonely, scary journey just on different time schedules.

Why do so many of us have to make this lonely trip alone. Ultimately, the final leg of the journey we must so our selves, when we leave this physical world and pass into the warm loving hands of God. I am talking about the time prior to that, our final days, weeks or months leading up to that.

I spoke with my cousin Fran on her recent visit. Her husband, Russ tragically passed with cancer recently. She spoke so highly of the loving care Russ had received in his final days in the palliative care unit of the hospital. She became visibly upset though when she spoke of some of the other patients. Patients in the final stages of this physical journey that were forced to do it alone, no family, no friends, no visitors.

There are days when I struggle on this journey and I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends. I am assuming most of the patients in the palliative care unit would be elderly but not necessarily. I wonder how they must feel. Likely, they worked hard all their lives raising a family and were surrounded by loving family when healthy. Suddenly, now while on this loneliest and potentially scariest of times, can they help but feel hurt and abandoned, this in their there greatest time of need. Fran, in discussions with a nurse, heard it is not uncommon for people to not visit, using fear of saying the wrong thing as an excuse. I say using it as an excuse, because that is what it is an excuse and a poor one at that.

Think about it really, with love in your heart what is there that you could say wrong. Your presence can be the greatest gift of all.

I started this journal with the hope of helping others on this lonely journey or the families, by sharing my journey. Just because a doctor has labeled someone with the dying word doesn’t mean they are any different from the person they were the day before they were labeled. I am still me, and treat me as such. Just show me you love me and be there for me as I make this journey. I know I must ultimately do the final part alone, but loving company and support certainly helps on the road leading up to that point