Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Journal

Yesterday was a pretty good day. In fact it was very nice as it turned into a mini family reunion for me with several of my cousins leaving comments. Hello to all.

The last few days I have been thinking more and more about my blog. Well not really so much about the journal itself as the response I have had to it. Words like surprised, shocked and amazed come to mind. It seems to have grown so far past evenmy wildest expectations or hopes. Oh, the wonderful response I have received and from literally all over the world. I really knew nothing of blogging and didn’t know what to expect maybe one or two hits a week. Other than maybe family how many people could there be that would be interested in my life or thoughts. But here I am just over 4 months later and almost 22,000 hits.

I really do treat this as my daily journal. I don’t proof read anything I have written and it is only recently at Vi’s suggestion have I started using the spell checker. Maybe, I was just to lazy to go back and proof read, I don’t know. But I rationalized it as this is my journal, who proof reads their own journal. Plus, I suppose I was a little afraid if I reread it and started changing sentence structure or what ever it might start to change the message or thoughts I was trying to convey. As it is everything is straight from my heart my thoughts of the moment. These thoughts could come from anywhere, from something I read in the newspaper, saw on TV or often from the wording people typed into their seach engines on the internet that led them to my site.

Someday maybe I will write about how I sort of accidentally came across blogging, maybe I have already, just don’t remember. Through my banking career and all the typing and keyboarding I have done. I have long since realized I can type faster than I can write and my typing usually can be read while my hand writing sometimes is more difficult to decipher.

When I first started to hear the big “D” word from the doctors it sent me into a bit of a tail spin. It took me quite a while to get used to that idea and to come to a level of acceptance. During this period I did a lot of reading on death, dying and the after life. Through this period 4 separate ideas came to me, it just took me a while to put them together.

Idea or thought #1. I have read and heard from so many different sources that journaling can be very helpful even therapeutic. (it really is). Therapy or just an outlet for some of my feeling was something I needed and still do. I can type faster than I can write so on the computer seemed the best way.

#2. With all my reading I discovered an all to common theme in so many of the articles. So many people expressed fears, concerns, worries what ever about talking to a dying person. Often to the point they were actually avoiding the person. My thought was how sad, how silly, do I ever wish I could talk to that person.

#3. Maybe this is a little egotistical of me I don’t know. I suppose reality hit me with the birth of my grand daughter Sage. Here is this wonderful little girl that I love so much and she is so young she will not even remember me. By writing a lot of my thoughts at least she will have an idea of who I was. It is not as if I think my words or thoughts are important or anything like that. It is just my grandparents died when I was fairly young and I actually have very few memories of them. For me anyway it would be interesting to be able to read of their inner thoughts and feelings to really learn who they were. So for what its worth I am passing this on to my children and grandchildren.

#4. I spend a lot of time now looking back and reflecting on my life. With the exception of my 2 wonderful daughters, I don’t see that I have made any contribution to this world. I thought maybe, just maybe by openly sharing my journal I could help someone out there. Show that yes, at first it may seem ackward talking to a dying loved one but it is not something to be afraid of or be avoided. My health may have changed but I am still me. You don’t have to be afraid of me or avoid me, I am still the same person I was last week or last year. Lets continue to enjoy the time we have together.

I started my daily journal, not knowing what I was really doing and still don’t. All I can say for sure is, it has never been intended as a poor me and never will be

24 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Journal

  1. A.M. says:

    You know, I’m not at all surprised you have had the response you have. Our entire family is now reading your blog. You, in your journal are so real in a world where it’s really hard to tell what is real. You’re not selling a book or trying to advance yourself. You’re real and down to earth. We know that we can trust you. The things that you say are things we’d know if we stopped long enough to really listen and think about why we do the things we do but by saying them here you do get us to stop long enough. As for what impact you might have had before this, I suspect it has been a lot more than you realized. It would be hard to believe that you got to where you are now without having learned something along the way. You have been prepared for what you are doing and we are so blessed that you are willing. Your grandchildren will be enormously blessed by the legacy you are leaving them.

  2. Sage's mommy says:

    Dad, thanks for doing this for us and for Sage. My plan is to have this all printed out, comments included, into a book for Sage so that when she is older she can read about the man that we talk so much about. I know that it has adjusted my feelings on different parts of life and subsequently effected my actions in a positive way. I hope that one day it can do the same for her.

    I love you,


  3. hudds53 says:

    Dear Sage’s mommy, aka Billie
    I am really touched by your comments. I know we talk often on the phone and we share thoughts and feelings etc. I hope by me writing this it gives you a little bit more of an idea of what is so often floating around in this seemingly empty, forgetful head of mine.
    Maybe, Sage will know a little about the grandpa that gave her the locket filled with million and millions of grandpa kisses. Every time she opens it and 2 grandpa kisses fly out, one for each cheek she will know who they are from.
    Love you always

  4. hudds53 says:

    Dear A.M.
    I thank you so much for your kind comments. I do try to find the words to really say what is in my heart or exactly what is in my thoughts so I suppose that does make them as genuine as I can be. I try to be open and honest, what would be the point of a journal if you weren’t.
    I have in fact had people tell me how I may have impacted on their lives. My head hears it but somehow my heart doesn’t feel it, I just really can’t see or understand how. In that way I suppose I am no different than million of others.
    Thanks again

  5. Mel says:

    I consider it a priviledge to be ‘allowed’ into the thoughts/feelings of another human being–no matter the method of sharing them.

    I hope you don’t mind that I’ve stuck around.
    It helps me keep perspective and stay grateful for what IS today.
    In turn, that helps me be more open and receptive to the world around me–and for me, that’s what it’s all about.

    BTW–that’s a great gift to hand out, yaknow?
    Your writing gives others/me the ability to focus differently–which affects how we/I interact with others……Whole bunches of lives get affected for the good.
    What greater gift?

    Thank you for the priviledge of reading, Bill.
    *sending warm thoughts*

  6. Irene says:

    Dear Bill,

    Sorry about not touching base with you over the last few days…down with a nasty cough.

    Your wisdom and your willingness to share it will be your legacy. I am honored and feel priviledged to read your entries.

    Thinking of you often during my day…

    Peace to you Wiseman,

  7. Saija says:

    don’t you also find that blogging can take away that loneliness? you can put your thoughts out there – and some folks might even understand exactly what you are saying …

    re: grandpa kisses in the locket – that is so sweet … something your daughter can tell Sage about … and Sage will be able to read this blog journal later herself …

    i’m glad you had a good day … blessings on the rest of this week too!

  8. ceeque says:

    Dear Bill, I think I mentioned in some earlier response about the “ripple” effect for that is what you are doing now, via this blog, in a big way. You have set a ripple motion thru over 22000 people already and this will affect them in many ways and I believe most of them will be positive. It is a great legacy to leave us and a great legacy to leave for your grandchildren to read in the future. What you`re doing is important not only to you and yours but all of us out here in cyberspace. As A.M says above you are real in a world that hardly is anymore and you must believe that we, as your readers, know this to be true. You give us all hope that our humanity is not yet faded into nothing and that we can come to you and get a real view that means what it says….
    I know that in your future you will be able to watch out over your family and help and guide them from another place, you will always be with them. God Bless you Bill, `cos I know he will!

  9. Ken Howdle says:

    Dear Bill

    I think the unfortunate thing that we,as humans, face is the inevitable.

    Given the fact that we can think,feel,touch,taste….we sometimes take things for granted and overlook things that happen around us. I think most people only pay attention to something when it impacts them. Therefore, most of of us live day to day relatively unaware of the issues other people are dealing with, such as yours.

    In dealing with your thoughts of not feeling that you have made any kind of a contribution to the world,I would offer this….

    In my mind there is no clear path or direction for any of us to follow while we are here in this world….but when you talk of your 2 daughters and bringing them into this world, maybe that might be the greatest claim to fame that you may have (the same can be said for me) and if we are fortunate to raise loving,healthy,responsible children…then maybe, that or they must be our legacy or contibution to the world.
    When it comes down to it …I can’t think of a better contibution to be leaving.

    Take Care ken

  10. Gloria Allen says:

    Hello Bill,
    Also a special Hello to Vi. Glad to hear she is home again, but enjoyed her visit.

    I have had mixed emotions reading your blog, certainly a sorrow for what you are enduring, but clearly a admiration for your sharing of your thoughts and feelings. I have enjoyed your humor, as well.
    Good for you, to make this happen! So, often, we “meant to do that”, or we had a great idea, but” never got around to it”. One of the advantages to reading yor blog in this format, is that I can visit with you at my leisure. As you remember from raising your family, your time is not your own, so I can sit down when it is quiet, with no interruptions, and you have my complete attention. You even get to do all the talking(tpying), something that would clearly not happen, if we were in the same room!

    So much of what you have written has reminded me of many things that have happen. You are so right , that we get caught on the treadmill, and miss what is passing us by, we don’t even see some of the scenery. Then events happen that make you stop and realize you can do better,maintaining that thought is a challange though. Life has a way of teaching you on a need to know basis, when you need to know, and a are open to learn, it is there waiting for you (to clarify this point, recall raising teenagers!)

    I am glad to hear you are enjoying your blog, and finding it theriputic. I can see from the comments, you have touched alot of people, including me! Thanks for sharing Bill.

    You are in our thoughts and prayers.
    With Love ,

  11. Corina says:

    Dear Bill,

    I have been reading and following your blog since I read about it in the Free Press. Everyday I check faithfully to see how you are doing, and how you are feeling. Even though we are strangers I am drawn to your site everyday to check on you! I want to thank you for sharing your life, your feelings, your memories, your family and your love with all us readers- strangers or not.

    I am so glad you have such an amazing family to go through this with. When my Mom passed away in ’94 my family seemed to shut down, no communication, no remembering. Once she died it seemed like it was a “Bad Word” to even bring her up in discussions. My son was 2 1/2 at the time, so like you are also worried about- he doesn’t remember his Oma. But Bill, believe me, your family will teach your granchildren all about you, to the point they “think” they remember! Honest, I have told my son so many stories and memories- how could I not about such an important person in my life?? My son knows his Oma as your grandchildren WILL KNOW YOU.

    Thanks again Bill (seems like you are a friend of mine) for sharing.
    Thanks Bill for your insight to life (It has opened my eyes).

    I hope you have less “thick head” days…………

    Take care,

    PS-Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
    take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

  12. Kelly says:

    As all these people gather around you, here I am too. I am the one back in the corner snuggled into that armchair, the one with flaxen blond hair and glasses who looks up from a book now and then to meet your eyes and smile.

    I like being here.


  13. Christopher, Maria, and MaryAnne says:

    We just wanted to say that we love you and think of you here in NM. It has become our morning routine to get together before our classes or clinicals and load up the laptops and read how you are doing and what you are up to. Your our favorite. We are going to get together and get a class picture because college will NOT let us make a copy of our offical one for some odd reason. But the gang of “soon to be nurses” loves you and pray for you morning, noon and night.

  14. I think you have an amazing blog, and I really encourage you to keep it up! Yes, your granddaugther will be privileged to be able to read about her grandfather someday.. I think it’s wonderful of you to do this!

  15. hudds53 says:

    Dear Mel
    I certainly don’t mind you “hanging around”, in fact I am very glad you are. I always appreciate your comments. I don’t really think my thoughts are much different than anyone else’s. I just have the time to write them out..
    Question to you. BTW??

  16. hudds53 says:

    Irene, glad to hear you are feeling better. It is always nice to hear from you. It always makes me feel good hearing you refer to my wisdom. Are you sure you are leaving those comments on the right blog. haha
    I appreciate the thought.

  17. hudds53 says:

    Dear Saija. You are so right when you say blogging can take away some of the loneliness. I am pretty much house bound and this blog has become a large part of my contact with the outside world. I do hope that one day Sage will read all of this.
    Thanks for stopping by

  18. hudds53 says:

    Dear ceeque, thanks for the comment. Recently I have been getting different comments about the “legacy” that I am leaving behind. I hadn’t really thought of it in that way. Actually, I first heard that word was from the newspaper reporter, asking about the legacy I was creating. It actually caught me by surprise. All I thought and still do think is I am typing my daily journal and sharing some of my thoughts. If that is creating a legacy, is suppose so be it.
    I always appreciate your kind words and thoughts

  19. hudds53 says:

    Ken and Gloria
    It is always nice to hear from family. Your comments, thoughts and kind words are really appreciated. I see Sherry was right about Auntie Isabel, your mom getting the family stirred up and on to my blog.
    I do appreciate I and hope you will visit often and leave many comments
    Cousin Bill

  20. hudds53 says:

    Dear Corina
    I thank you for your regular visits to my site. It makes me feel good that someone is drawn to my words.
    It is sad that with the passing of a loved one, so often we are even reluctant to talk of that person. I suppose doing so brings up the feeling of loss or pain. Gradually, over time as the pain lessens we begin to talk but often by that time memories have faded. We then relay stories that as you put it we “think” we can remember. Good for you for so openly sharing with your son.

  21. Mel says:

    BTW=by the way

    And Billy–not a whole lot of folks bother to make the time TO write them out…..that’s what makes ‘here’ a special place to be.

    Thank you for that!

  22. hudds53 says:

    Dear Kelly
    It is comforting to know you are here all snuggled up in the chair.

  23. hudds53 says:

    Christopher, Maria and MaryAnne
    It would be nice to get a class picture of my favorite class of soon to be nurses. It is always nice to be able to put a face to the writers of the comments. I will look forward to receiving it.

  24. hudds53 says:

    Dear Rebecca Schultz
    I appreciate your kind comments. I intend to keep on writing as long as I can. Though the daily journal may soon become maybe a biweekly journal, will have to see.

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