Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Way

Yesterday was an OK day, not one of my best but not one of what I call my bad days. Evening was wonderful, my daughter Shauna and hubby Jake stopped by for a visit. They spent the night and left this morning. They had to be up early and left so quietly, not wanting to disturb our sleep, I didn’t even hear them.

Vi and I were talking the other day and it really got me thinking. My appetite has really dropped. I am now eating about 1/2 of what I would have say even a year ago. But, I am not loosing any weight. I am going to have to mention this to the doctor the next time I see him I think it must one of two things. I have had thyroid problems in the past, could it be under active again, reducing my metabolism. Or, with the heart failure am I just retaining more fluid, that just offsets any real weight loss. Don’t know, will have to find out.

I suppose it is natural that as I spend more time just thinking and reflecting back on my life and even on the world in general, different types of thoughts pop into my head. I suppose that shows my thinking process has changed or something. Even the mere fact, that I will just sit and think back, is different from what it has been at times in the past. At different periods of my life there were times when I purposely kept my self so busy that I wouldn’t have time to think about my life. I suppose that showed a lack of internal strength on my part. To me, my life was in chaos and I almost seemed to be frozen in time not knowing what to do or where to turn. I to often took the easy way by not even allowing myself to think of my life at the time. Don’t think, avoid the pain.

I look back today, with I suppose is my “new mindset” and see each of those situations differently. Today, is all the hurt and pain gone? No, and maybe never will be. I can look back now and learn more from those mistakes or events, than sadly I did at the time. I now see each was just one small dot on the overall picture of my life. Each individual dot has brought me to be the person I am today. I am content with that, I am content and happy with my life today. Who is to know, maybe if even one small thing had happened differently in my past, my life, my thinking today could be different.

I even feel kind of silly, thinking of how everyday I prayed asking for God will to be done in my life. Yet I fought so hard or felt so hurt when my will didn’t prevail.

I look around me and see so many people getting upset over what really are inconsequential little things. Sometimes it is almost like I would like to go and just give them a good shake, and say. Stop and think, think of the precious moments in life you are wasting being upset. We have to few of these moments and there will come a day when you regret those moments wasted. But, I look back and realize if someone would have said that to me a couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have listened. I would have been to busy dealing with the issues of the moment. To busy, to wrapped up in one small dot in the overall picture.

12 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Way

  1. Martha2 says:

    Yes, I guess as we get older and go through different hardships we tend to prioritize our lives better. I think most of us older folks have some regrets about our younger years. As the saying goes, “Too soon old and too late schmart!”
    Hope you have a “good feeling” day.

  2. hudds53 says:

    Martha, I really like that saying. Isn’t it sad that it is so true.

  3. Allison says:


    I look back at some of your comments left by people and realize that you have such a great impact on people you haven’t even met. Your words is really changing lives and helping people get on the right path. I believe God has given you some extra time to share your beliefs and values with others. You once said “I never really did anything meaning full in my life other than raise my beautiful daughters”. If you have ever had any doubt before now you should not. You have touched literaly thousands of people all across world with your words. Keep it up there are not many people out there with a positive attitude like you.

    Take care my friend

  4. Moe says:

    That’s nice your daughter and her husband came for a visit. 🙂

    It’s amazing how much time and energy we all waste on those little “dots,” rather than looking at the picture on a whole.

    The other day, I was thinking about how many of the little things in life, things that were just furstrating at the time, have been some of the things that have added up to make me who I am, and it’s mostly the little day to day things that are continuing to mold and shape me.

    I kind of know what you mean, I wouldn’t undue one of the “dots” if I could, because even though I wouldn’t want to live through it again, I wouldn’t want to sacrifce who I’ve become.

    Take care,

  5. Sean. says:

    I read the last two paragraphs of what you wrote and had tears in my eyes. I’ve heard the same thing so many times but never quite worded as you have. I spend so much time weighed down by the problems I have and I just want an easy way out. I want the money to appear, I want to have an easy place to live, I want, I want, I want. All these things that are my wants.

    “I even feel kind of silly, thinking of how everyday I prayed asking for God will to be done in my life. Yet I fought so hard or felt so hurt when my will didn’t prevail.”

    I keep praying that same prayer, for God to take over and for things to be right yet I keep getting angry when He strips something away from me that I hold so tightly.

    I am young, 21, and I thank you again and hope that others my age will read and consider, as I am.

  6. Carol and Lori Anderson says:

    Dear Bill,
    We read the article about your blog in the Free Press. Several people have commented on the article to me. All of the family in Alberta have read some of the entries and are following your blog. As you know, many are very touched by your dialougue, ourselves included. You and Vi are in our thoughts and prayers. Keep writing, you are an inspiration to many!

  7. hudds53 says:

    Hi Carol and Lori
    It is always nice to hear from family. Thank you for the kind comments about my writing. Carol, when I last talked to your mom a couple of weeks ago she had mentioned some of the family was reading, and I have been looking forward to a comment from the family. I hope all is well with everyone.
    Lori, I moved to Winnipeg so I could be cared for by the newest and undoubtedly best nurse anywhere and you up and move to Alberta on me. I hope everything is going well out there.
    I love all you guys, I miss you and I do hope to see you one day.

  8. missprofe says:

    In my work with young people, I try really hard to impress upon them how precious life is – their own and others’. However, they are in fact young and self-absorbed, and really cannot conceive of the next moment let alone the enirety of humanity. But, I keep trying.

    Even at 41, I look back on my short life, and reflect, and try to keep it all in perspective. I try to appreciate each day the Lord gives me and my family and friends, and pray to do His Will.

    Thank you, Bill, for the inspiration you provide.:)

  9. Kelly says:

    I agree with your reader who said God has given you a bit more time because there is something you were meant to do…a message for you to share with the world.

    What I am just now coming to realize is that when I hide my Light under a basket, I don’t just betray myself. I betray the whole world.


  10. Thea Westra says:

    I just read your post and then noticed these words at top right of your blog:
    “I am 53 years old and know I am dying. My hope is that by sharing my daily journal and thoughts throughout this experience, others may learn and possiby benefit. Both those in my position and those dealing with the dying.”

    In reading the text, I found myself saying – we are all dying.
    Not as young as yourself, however we are all dying. Not a single one of us will escape!

    I do believe, in the moment of being slapped in the face with the fact of it and true acceptance of it, that we begin to finally live and really experience gratitude for our ‘moments’.
    The moments are all we have…this moment, this moment, this moment and this moment etc.

    I found the following quotes and liked their message:

    When we attempt to imagine death, we perceive ourselves as spectators…Sigmund Freud

    When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a way that when you die, you will rejoice and the world will cry…Unknown

    There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way…Christopher Morely

    Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending…Carl Bard

    Namaste, Thea

  11. Ken Howdle says:

    I am sitting with Carol and Lori checking out your site and I am very impressed with the dialogue from you and your fellow bloggers. What I find difficult is to find that I am speaking to a relative in your condition. This seems to be something that happens to other people and not someone with the Howdle name. Your article in the Free Press was very moving and motivationg to a degree, as it allows us, even in a relatively healthy state to take stock of our personal situation. It makes us realize the small stuff is just that. Seeing your picture on the front of a national newspaper with a smile on your face in spite of your condition should be an inspiration to us all. Keep up the good work! Best wishes.
    Ken Howdle

  12. hudds53 says:

    Hi Ken, nice to hear from you.
    I am glad you are reading the comments left by various readers. Often they contain insight far more than I can provide.
    I suppose it is to be expected as our generation of the Howdle clan begin to age more and more of us will be encountering major health issues. But it still does come as a bit of a shock when it hits you.
    I was really flattered why Lindor Reynolds wanted to do the story on me. If it helps you or anyone put life’s little issues into a proper prospective then it is all worth it.
    You mentioned you are with Carol and Lori are you all in Saskatchewan at your place?
    Ken it was really nice to hear from you. Lets try and keep in touch a little more often

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