Dying Man’s Journal – Better Understanding Grief.


Well, Manitoba winter set in yesterday and last night with a bang. It looks like we got 3-4 inches of snow, but under the snow is a layer of ice. Roads are going to be aweful for driving. Forecast calls for a high of -3. We all know the weather is coming but I always just hope it will hold off until after halloween for the kids. Usually, we get 140-150 kids because of the weather this year who knows. I always enjoy seeing the little ones, so cute in their costumes. This year they will still be wearing the costumes just we won’t see them as they will be bundled up in their big coats.

Yesterday was a pretty quiet day around the house. Both Vi and I were tired from the weekend. Not really sure why I was extra tired, she did all the work, cooking etc. I just sat around and visited with the family.

I, a couple of days ago I received an email from our good friend, Janice. She had just read my posting on my discomfort when trying to express my sympathy to a lady whose mother is in the final stages of her struggle with cancer. Janice, then carried on sharing some of her own feelings after the passing of her mother. Janice, I haven’t asked you so I hope you don’t mind if I share. What you wrote was so beautifully written and clarified much in my own mind.

Janice wrote:

…… in your journal, you said this about a friends visit…” last night Vi’s brother and his wife stopped over. Her mother is in the final stages of terminal cancer. What did I say, Jesse, I am so sorry to hear of your mother, she replied yes it is tragic. With that we both lower our eyes to the floor for a moment and carried on to other things.

Janice carried on: Some times a silence is good, that moment to pause and know that there is concern and a wish for someone we care about. At the time of my mothers passing, I was internally desperately grief stricken and couldn’t figure out why it was so hard to stop thinking about the empty sad feeling that seemed to be the only feeling I’d ever feel again. A friend summed it up simply, and suddenly, it made sense, with the words “the world just feels like a different when you know your mother isn’t in it”. Following those words was a silence. Anyway, it was one of the words spoken to me that made me realize I wasn’t losing my mind. My world suddenly was different, with out my mother in it…….

Janice, I thank you for sharing that and I really hope you don’t mind me putting it in my posting. I think you stated it so perfectly, the internal turmoil, we go through with the passing of a loved one. It goes beyond the natural sadness and painful sense of loss. The whole world, as we see it, is suddenly changed. Our thinking is overtaken by the feelings of loss at that time nothing else seems to matter. A vital and important part of that world is gone. It is almost like we are dealing with two issues. The grieving and natural pain of our loss, but also setting our world back in order. Adjusting our own lives to carry on with that one big piece of our lives suddenly gone. That in itself, can be hard, painful and frustrating. I suppose, it could almost seem to feel like trying to solve a complicated puzzle with one of the major clues to the puzzle missing. But, somehow we do it. Gradually, we put the pieces of our lives back together and carry on. It can be a slow process but we get there. I know Janice did as can we all.
Thank you Janice for helping me to see things a little more clearly. The loss of a loved one affects us far beyond the natural pain and sense of loss, it changes our world.

6 Responses to Dying Man’s Journal – Better Understanding Grief.

  1. Moe says:

    Yes, that’s very true; it does change the world, or at least, our world.

    -Kelsey

  2. Moe says:

    That’s amazing you already have snow! It’s getting cold in Washington State, but it will be awhile before we have any snow. I love answering the door for the trick-o-treaters and asking them about their costumes. It’s a lot of fun.

  3. hudds53 says:

    Thank you for the comments Kelsey. I live in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. and the snow usually hits around now. We are heading for the deep freeze, will be very cold soon.
    Bill

  4. Gayla says:

    I can certainly relate. I lost my mother, my best friend on March 14. As I stated in various blogposts, “my life will never be the same without my mother.” Never. It’s been a real struggle for me this year. I’ve been in a very real depression. I just never imagined life without my mama. She lived nearby, so our lives were very intertwined on a daily basis, especially since the death of my stepdad in March, 2003. I went to a more caretaking role, even.

    Her battle with lung cancer was short and sudden. I took her to the ER on Dec 26, with what we thought was her gallbladder. (She did end up having it removed) A biopsy on Dec 28 revealed the cancer and she was gone on March 14. Her initial stay in the hospital was 31 days. Then it was to a nursing home for some rehab, but she never really stablized. We did finally get her home, but she only enjoyed that for 1 week before she died. At least she was there, even if it was short.

    I’m still learning to cope with all this; it isn’t easy. But God is good; His grace is sufficient for each moment.

    And Bill, His grace is sufficient for you.

  5. hudds53 says:

    Gayla. My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you at the tragic loss of your mother. This is one of those ackward times when I wish I had something special to say to ease your pain.
    You are correct when you say “God is good. His grace is sufficent for each moment”.
    I hope you will leave comments often keeping me updated on your progress throught this difficult, painful time.
    May you always remeber God is with you, in each moment
    Bill

  6. it changes our world

    That is for sure!

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