Yesterday, was oneof the worst days I have had. Constantly, feeling like throwing up. Even tried to throw up twice thinking if I could clear my stomach maybe I would feel better. All I could do was gag and cough, making it worse for a while. Vi’s sister Debbie came over, took Vi our for supper and a short visit to thier mum. Then both back to the house here, Debbie spent the night. It is so good Vi has friends and family here, she can get out for a while and have a good time. Even if it is just for a little while to get out and momentarily forget “our” world with the worry and problems. I have really come to appreciate just how much harder it is on my family and friends than on me. They worry constantly about my health, I don’t, they worry constantly about themselves saying the wrong thing or just generally upsetting me, I don’t. They carry this extra burden, I don’t. Sometimes, when I think of it almost seems backwards, I am the one that is dying but they are the ones full of fear and worry. I know it is because they love and care for me. I want to tell them, OK, everyone lets just take at deep breath and relax. We are having a big family gathering in a couple of weeks, maybe I should when everyone is together tell them just relax. But that may put a bit of a damper on the get together, not sure yet. I know some of my family reads this journal, so I tell you now RELAX, lets enjoy our time together.
I want to thank Mrs. Nicklebee who has at different times left very warm encouraging messages. Today, she poses a very interesting question. I encourage everyone to read her comment under, talking to the dying. She describes the sad passing of a close friend. My heart goes out to you, Mrs. Nicklebee and to the family and friends of the person that passed. You describe perfectly, the exact scenario, that I think, while not always, is becoming more like the norm. This is the very last thing I want to happen in my days.
You speak of the sad passing of a dear one, of the many friends that avoided her through fear of saying the wrong thing or even crying. Of missing the chance to say good bye. Of her clinging to the hope right to the end that she may not die, all so sad. This all goes right to the very heart of the purpose of my journal. My hope to help those, in that exact circumstance. You ask an excellent question then.
The gist of which is. If there was someone in my life that knew I was dying and I knew that they knew I was dying. How would I feel if I knew they were avoiding me out of fear of saying the wrong thing or maybe even breaking down and crying? I feel very saddened, hurt and even angry. I would like to be able to say I take the high road and just accept and acknowledge their discomfort and be totally understanding, to some extent I can. Over all I feel more hurt, I thought we have always had a close relationship. In the past we have shared highs and lows, births, deaths, weddings or even just a good friendship, but now that you know I am leaving and you can’t come to even say good bye. I know that may sound like a “poor me”, but I am dying and think I am entitled to atleast a little of that. I even quesion, I thought we had a strong bond, maybe it wasn’t as strong as I thought. Every one is different but those are my feelings.
There is another side to this issue also. Because of my health I am unable to travel as much as I used to. Therefore I am more dependant on family and friends visiting me. I also have the need to say my good byes and express my feelings and emotions. I am counting on you to come and give me that opportunity. Please, visit and if nothing else allow me to say what I feel I have to. Dying can be much more lonely and difficult if done alone.
Now for those visiting the dying or even saying their last good byes. Relax and go with the flow. Say what is in your heart express your feelings and emotions. There is nothing you can say or do that is wrong. If you feel like crying go ahead and cry. I may cry with you, share the emotion, share the feelings and the time together. It is an emotional time for both of you, share it don’t hide it. Rejoice in your time together. Hiding your feelings can have the exact opposite effect on me. How do you suppose I am to feel if no emotion is shown at all.Could I possibly think, WOW, they don’t seem to be at all upset about me dying. I think if you let the emotion out you can move on to a more pleasant visit.
Mrs. Nicklebee, you speak of your friend clinging to hope right to the end. I think that is normal and natural. I know I certainly don’t want to die. Believe me I have exhausted every possible medical treatment available. I not only saw one specialist I saw a second and a third. I have come to accept the fact I am dying, but that doesn’t mean I will ever just roll over and die. I just accept it will happen at some point when God decides is the time. Until then I hope to live and enjoy life with I hope ALL my friends and family.