Feeling much better today. Yesterday is a good day to have over and done with.
Vi and Lynda are leaving for the States in a couple of hours. She is all concerned about leaving me alone. Had to promise I won’t have a heart attack while she is gone. Will do my best to live up to that promise. My brother will be keeping an eye on me, sometimes it almost makes you feel like a little kid and need a baby sitter. It will be good for her to get away for a few days.
Got an email yesterday from another sister-in-law, Vicky. She is an amazingly spiritual lady and I really respect her and her thoughts and views. The timing was perfect, I really needed a lift yesterday and there it was in her email. Thank you Vicky.Her message made me realize and appreciate how far I have come. Granted, I have had a about a year and a half to get used to this dying thing. But, I don’t think you can get used to the idea, I am going to die soon, unless you grow both inside as a person and spritually. When I first was told by the doctors that I am dying, I spent a period where I was angry. Angry at myself for not taking better care of my health, and even angry at God. Why me, I am a good person, why would God let this happen to me. Some where along the line a realiztion came to me. Yes, I am what I consider to be a good person, but so are the millions or others out there that are dying. What gave me the right to assume I would get treated any differently than any of them. I believe in a loving and a fair God. A God that loves all of his children. His childred being absolutely everyone on this earth. Does,God love me in a way stronger and more pure than anything I can hope to imagine, Yes. Does God consider me to be special and unique, Yes. Does God love me or consider me to be more special than anyone else in this world, No.
God, loves all of his children equally, with the same pure love for all, irregardless or race, colour, sex or anything else. I realized, it was pretty arrogant of me to expect that I should be treated any differently than anyone else. What makes me think I am so special as to receive perefential treatment. Am I loved by God and have I received special treatment from him, absolutely. Can I or should I expect to receive pereffential treatment above all others, No. So I guess the answer to my question why me, is why not me.
That is a humbling realization. I have never considered myself to be superior to anyone else, nor have I ever considered anyone else to be superior to me. What could possibly make God see me any differently? I have come to accept what ever God has in store for me, I am in his hands. When it is obvious that it is inevitable, acceptance is the greatest comfort.
Dying mans daily journal 