Dying Man’s Journal Sept 26/06 Pt 2

Its my normal nap time, but I just can’t seem to sleep, mind is racing. tried meditation but can’t seen to get into it.

Have lots of time to think these days, so have again been reflecting on my life and the people that have really impacted on me. Most in a very positive way, others not some much in a positive way, even in a painful way. But I have come to realize all are important and all my experiences has made my into the person I am today.

Started thinking of my Mother, bless her soul. I imagine there are very few people, that their mother didn’t play a major role in influencing their life. My mother had a very hard life, we were poor as I grew up. My father was an alcholic. He worked away much of the time as a miner. He always made good money but seemed to drink it all away. She worked full time and kept the home going. She was of the “old school” in which males weren’t expected to do much around the house. Being kids we took advantage of this and really did nothing to help out. This is one of the guilts I carry today. Looking back I realize there was so much I could have done to ease her burden. If I could only turn back time.

She had a very strict definition of what was a man and to become a good man, was what she encouraged the boys to become. Her definition of a man: always be a gentleman, always fulfill you commitments and obligations, take responsiblity for your action and NEVER hit a woman or anyone smaller than youself. I have tried to live up to that definition and to make her proud and deeply regret the times I know I fell short of making her proud. I particularly remember one comment she made, a Man has never hit a woman. That struck me as odd with all the news you hear of domestic violence. But she explained. A true man has never hit a woman, unfortuneatly there are many over grown juvenile deliquents out there pretending to be men, that will hit women. Suddenly that made sense to me. I have never hit a woman, I am proud to say.

She also taught me of the mirror test. OK, what is the mirror test. Every morning you will look at yourself in the mirror at some point, maybe shaving or brushing your teeth what ever, but at some point you will look in the mirror.

When you do take a hard look at the person looking back at you, which naturally is your own reflection. Now based only on yesterday, being one day only, how do you feel about that person you see in the mirror. Are you proud, knowing yesterday I did something special to help someone, or I corrected a wrong. If yesterday was that sort of a day be proud of yourself. If yesterday was just a regular day, you did well getting though the day as a man, give yourself a pat on the back. Now comes the part I have always hated.

If when you look in the mirror, and seeing youself are embarrased or ashamed of something you did yesterday. There is certainly nothing to be proud of, feel bad but only for a moment. Reflect on your actions, your mistakes or what ever. Learn a lesson from them, vow to avoid repeating this action and plan to immediately make ammends. Believe me, there have been times I hated that mirror. But I learned from it.