Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Doctor appointment

Had an appointment with my family doctor yesterday. We both (Vi and I) always seem to come away from those appointments filled with feelings of doom and gloom. This is the same doctor that told me a few months back that I had days, maybe weeks but not months left.
Yesterday, we discussed my up coming surgery being in 6 to 8 weeks. He added that the surgery would be only if I was still alive. That sort of stopped me in my tracks, like of course it will only be if I am still alive. I am REALLY sure it would be canceled if I had indeed already passed. Through out the appointment he threw in that “if you are still alive” thing 3 or 4 times.
It reached the point I had to confront him about it, “why do you have to keep stating the obvious?” His response: “to keep the discussion realistic”. He just doesn’t think I have that long.
It was so very hard on Vi hearing it again and again

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

Yesterday was the last of the needles to the stomach. It was the hardest day to stop the bleeding from the poke site. I got a bit of a chuckle a few days back a friend, well intentioned and we laughed together about it, suggested, why don’t you just put a bandage over it to if into stop at least contain the bleeding. My laugh came from me thinking and saying: “oh,gee why didn’t I think of that”? I told him I was going to post on this as if he had this thought possibly others did also.

my blood is now very thin, flowing with a consistancy, I suppose more like water than blood. The ability of the blood to clot is reduced, don’t want any clots in those tiny heart arteries of mine. It needs though to be able to clot to stop any bleeding.
Mostly it has been similar to when you donate blood. After you just hold gauze to the puncture for a minute or so and you are good to go. Same here, it is just pressure was required for a little longer. But, it stops, on goes the bandage.
Now I did try to remember to check it. A couple of times it was fine, other times it was blood soaked, other times I would forget to check until I could feel blood running down my stomach, clean it up and start the process over. Each time with length of time the pressure was applied was increased. That cycle went on all day.
Was this in anyway serious, life threatening or anything like that. No, just messy and annoying.
I am finished with those needles at least for now.
Off to see the family doc this morning. It will be the first time seeing since a lot of all of this has happened.
Thank you to all for the continued support.
I am writing this post as I have several others on the IPod. This is great, I don’t have to tackle those stairs to the PC. I have realized this thing auto corrects. I noticed a couple of times the correction wasn’t to what I was saying or meaning. You might have to guess at some of what I was trying to say. Lol

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – LIFE

I am feeling good, life is good and I am so grateful for every moment of it. Went to the hospital for blood work this morning early this afternoon some time they will be calling to tell me if they want any adjustments to my blood thinning medications. They are keeping a very close eye on that wanting it to be as thin as possible with consideration being given to the size of some of those little veins it must now flow through. Blood clots are a major concern and am on anti clotting medications. All this simply means I bleed and bruise much easier which is a nuisance but, hey, if this is what it takes, not a big deal. Part of the blood thinning medication includes 2 needles, I give myself in my stomach which is no big deal at all but the injection does cause bleeding both internally and externally. Considering the benefit again it is a small price to pay. My stomach from the belly button downward is on massive big bruise (the internal bleeding). Externally I will think I have the bleeding under control and just carry on with what ever. Not that easy, have gotten a fair amount of blood on 2 shirts and a pair of jeans.
Now that all may sound like I am whining or complaining but really I am not, I am just explaining what is going on. I am just so happy to be alive that anything like that doesn’t even register as the slightest of bumps on the highway of life and nor should it.
The thought just hit me as I am sitting here, of how much my thinking has been changed. i just have to laugh now at how ridiculously serious I used to take things. There was a day and not that long ago that I would have been upset, I mean blood over 2 shirts and a pair of jeans how annoying is that. Now, it is just, Vi is very good with the laundry and she may get those stains out but if not, oh well not a big deal.
What would be your thoughts if that happened to you?
Just noticed add bed sheets to list of bloodied things

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – I’m home

I do thank all for all the support and prayers. I am home a little bruised and battered but am doing well. Everything went pretty much as expected. An angioplasty was preformed with a stent implanted clearing one blockage. Also as expected the doctor was unable to do anything with the other blockage, the artery is 100% blocked. He though did say he believes he can clear it in a longer more complicated procedure. Now that is good news for sure. I will be advised of dates in the near future by expect it mid to late June.
I had always been of the thought that a total blockage resulted in an immediate heart attack, not necessarily so. Each of the larger arteries have a lot of much smaller arteries running off of them. There are times when these smaller arteries wander off and ultimately rejoin the main artery at a point down the line. This is my case those tiny even minuscule arteries are what are keeping me going as they on their own actually by pass the blockage. To me this is amazing. While not a permanent solution, will I hope continue to do the job until the proper measures can be taken

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Feelings

I just noticed the time. If all goes according to schedule this time tomorrow I will be on the operating room table. I am so looking forward to getting this over with.

i have been spending time just thinking about my life. What am I most grateful for? That is so obvious my daughters have been such a wonder in my life. Billie, Shauna I love you so much. I always have and always will be so very proud of you. The good Lord was certainly smiling down on me as He blessed me with each of you. I am so blessed, I know and appreciate that.

through you the blessings have just kept coming. Three grand daughters, my amazing little princesses the pride and joy you have brought to my heart. I love you so much, more than you can imagine. Princess Sage, Princess Emery and Princess Malieka you are a grandpa’s dream come true. Now princess Sage a while back we had a conversation in which you said you are not really a princess because to be a real princess you had to be the princess of “somewhere”. Do you remember what I said to that. My heart is somewhere and you will always be the princess there.
Rob and Jake my two son-in-laws, what can I say. I am so very happy and proud to have each of you as part of my family.
Vi what a rock you have been for me. At my side as we have faced each challenge head on. Day by day you are there never complaining as you have been forced to take on more and more as my physical limitations have decreased. With out you, your loving support and encouragement I have no doubt I would not be here today. What can I say but I love you and thank you. Those few words seem like a pretty feeble attempt at expressing my feeling but I am at a loss for words to say all I feel. I trust you know what is in my heart.
I seem to have tired myself out, nap time is feeling really appealing. I am suddenly feeling I have so much more to say to my best buddy Seth. To Sadie and all of Vi’ children and grandchildren. When Vi and I first got together all those tears back, we each had children from previous relationships. On both sides the kids were already grown. Now back then I thought of her grand kids as my step grand children. Some how with the passing of time the word step when it comes to the grand kids as disappeared from my thoughts.
Unless you are a blogger, I don’t think you can understand the depth, the reality of these cyber relationships. The bonds of loving support that develop as we accompany each other on this leg of life’s journey. The degree of comfort and support given and received is beyond measure. I have been blessed beyond belief by all of you my cyber friends, I just don’t have the words all that is in my heart.
Hmm, Vi just read this and says it sounds like I am saying good bye. I prefer to think of it as me just taking the chance to express my feelings.
Yes, I will be gone from the blog for at least a few days but I WILL BE BACK

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

Again I do thank all for all the loving and supportive comments. I do read and appreciate all.

Some have expressed concern over my stress levels and how I am dealing with it. Now as hard as I try to reassure her Vi is worried sick. We work as a team, I take care of some things, she takes care of others. OK, she is taking care of the worrying, I know that part is being dealt with so I don’t have to bother with it. That actually, as silly as it sounds is sort of the way it is working.

i really am not concern with the up coming angiogram/angioplasty. I have been there and done that. It is what comes after, which will be base entirely on what they see when they have that camera in my heart. This time the day after tomorrow we will know.
I really don’t know how much time I do have. What I do know is I want to get as much living as I can out of it.
Reality is I can’t help but be apprehensive, I know that. I think you would maybe be in denial if you didn’t accept/realize the seriousness of all of this. What I have become pretty good at is giving myself 15 or 20 minutes in the morning to, yes, feel a little sorry for myself. I am not sure if feel sorry for myself is the correct wording. It is the time I allow myself to grieve. People grieve when they suffer a loss or are facing a loss. I see facing you own passing is a very good reason to grieve.
It is like I need to get those feelings out, acknowledge them but then try to put them away for the rest of the day. How can I truly live my precious life (it is precious to me) if my head is all clogged up worrying and fretting over something that I can not control.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Believe

I am doing well. Yesterday even went grocery shopping with Vi. I am not good at walking distances but having the shopping cart to lean on made it a lot easier. Costco is a huge store and normally Vi would get in there and wander, browse and shop for hours. She enjoys that and I am sure she likely checks every isle. She always returns with way, way more than was on the list.
We joked after that was likely her quickest shop ever, it was fun. Usually she goes alone for that very fact, she likes ti wander and browse. I guess it is a male/female thing. Even when I had the stamina a shopping trip for me was into the store, buy what I need and gone ASAP and women wonder why us “poor guys” often can’t understand them. Lol.
I do thank all for all the kind, loving and supportive comments. I do read them daily and am so grateful for each and everyone.
I received an email with such a wonderful little poem that I just have to share it. It contains my thoughts but written in a manner far beyond me. I am not sure of the origins or credit would be given:

Believe
In your own heart that something
Wonderful is about to happen.
Love your life
Believe in your own powers
Believe in your own potential
Believe in your own goodness
Wake up every morning with
The awe of being alive &
Live this day well!!!!!