Will be away for the weekend on a family visit. Just to let all blogging friends know, there is no need for concern.

A question to all. From the new stats available here on the administators site I am able to see my post on Learned Helplessness is one of my most read posts. Yet I have had very few comments left on that post. Is it I am so far off in my thinking that it doesn’t warrant a comment or as several have indicated, is it that it hits to close to home for many? I am curious, I don’t know. I have no experience in this area. An area I see as being such a wide spread problem in our world, and I am trying to understand or at least get a little understanding of it. Feed back would be appreciated, if I am wrong in my thinking please feel free to correct me, so I can indeed get a better understanding.

Since I have been back I have been making an effort to slowly visit all my dear blogging friends. This morning I visited the Mermaid at poseidonsmuse.wordpress.com. I still haven’t figured out this link thing as the whole system has changed while I was gone. Being as computer illiterate as I am it will take me a while but I will eventually get it.

The words in her post were just to beautiful not to share. I understand them to be quotes from the famous Audrey Hepburn a wonderful lady and actress.

The post is titled, Condensed from the Ether, Audrey-isms words to live by. Words to live by they certainly are. I thank all that have brought them to my attention.

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”

“Your heart just breaks, that’s all. But you can’t judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.”

“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.”

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”

“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.”

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”

Every single quote contains such a wonderful message and are worthy of living life by. I guess at this point in my life the quote that hit me personally the most was the last,  ” People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”

Yesterday, my post was about abuse, physical, emotional abuse of any and all kinds. Of how that very abuse can lead to “learned helplessness”.

The more I read about and hear about abuse of any kind, the more shocked and disturbed I am becoming. I know it is everywhere, mostly hidden behind closed doors. I know there is no excuse for abuse of any type, NONE. It is only now that I am really becoming aware of the profound long term effects. I suppose I had naively assumed once you were out of the abusive situation, life would be good and you could just get back to “normal” and live life as it was intended to be lived. Such is obviously not the case.

I am very touched that a few dear blogging friends chose to truly open up and reveal past horrors experienced in their lives. I can think of no better word than horrors to describe the lives they were force to endure on a daily basis for years on end. I thank you for sharing as you have and will be responding individually to your comments.

I still can’t really claim to “understand”, this is whole issue is so foreign to my thinking. Being honored by being given at least a glimpse into the lives of others has given me a bite of an understanding of how it all could happen. I am still thinking of the “learned helplessness” the long last effects on ongoing abuse. A whole life is permanently changed forever scarred and total “normalcy” may never be achieved again. I can’t even begin to describe how sad this all makes me feel. Life is to be lived and should never be endured but how many people are doing that exact thing, enduring life. This is not what the Good Lord intended for any of us. He wants all of us to live happy, safe, peaceful, love filled lives. Each of us was given our own free will to make the choices and to live our own happy lives. No one has the right to chose our life for us, controlling our thoughts and actions. NO ONE has the right to ever be physically abusive to another in anyway, irregardless of an ything, no exceptions to this rule, NONE EVER.

Yesterday, I asked everyone to just sit back for a moment and think about your relationships with others. Honestly look at the role you play in the lives of all others. Be honest with yourself, and look to see, are you an abuser? Now to some this answer will be easy, if you hand out beatings, are controlling, domineering, use verbal put downs then you are an abuser. Plain and simple as that. Now ask yourself why? Each of us is responsible for our own actions, so if your excuse is “well she made me do it, she made me made because……. That is not a reasonable or even rational excuse. No one but an abuser makes us do anything. You are responsible for your own actions, be a man/woman and accept that responsibility. Each of us has a God given right to make our own choices. What makes you think you have the right to in essence over right God’s will by depriving anyone else of their freedom, their own free will. I ask everyone to please just think about this!!

I feel uncomfortable as a male and being unfamiliar with abuse issues trying to write about the feelings that are realistically I think mostly experienced by women. I did say mostly as I know there are many men out there also with similar experiences.

Again, I am asking for feed back as the conclusions I am coming to may in fact be way off base and I do realize every situation if in fact different. Slightly different yes, but all seem to have huge similarities. Now, if as I am writing, I happen to word something poorly and it in anyways comes across that I may be assigning any guilt or blame to the victim, Please know it was not intended that way, but was in fact poor wording on my part. Victims of abuse do not carry any of the blame, no matter what is said to them.

So here we go again with “life according to Bill”:

I see any abuse be it physical, emotional what ever, as having long term very profound affects. I suppose the longer the abuse continues the deeper will be the scars. I would imagine the abuse cycle begins slowly, with seemingly little or inconsequential things, but escalate to the much worse. I see the “trained helplessness” that I wrote about yesterday as actually taking some time to set in or to become ingrained into anyones system.

Years can be spent in a frantic effort to make things right, to do things right. All to no avail, nothing you can ever do is quite good enough, nothing seemingly can be done to prevent the next beating. You are so constantly told it is your fault, you deserved or earned the beating because you did or didn’t do…… or at least it wasn’t done well enough. If we are told anything often enough we will actually begin to believe it. Being told constantly you are not good enough, self esteem start to lag of even disappear all together.

Fear becomes a constant emotion. Fear of the beatings and abuse, but also fear of leaving. Self esteem has dropped to the level, self doubts prevail. Am I good enough, strong enough to make it on my own. Fear of not being able to support yourself or the kids. You are trapped, afraid and dreading the thought of staying but equally fearing and dreading the uncertainty of leaving. A feeling of hopelessness and helplessness prevails, the self esteem or any that may be left disappears. You are trapped. Gradually, any and all resistance wanes and disappears, what is the point. You are beaten down and just to tired to fight or really even care any more. It just becomes easier to just give in to the will of others, do what they want. Just no energy to fight for anything, it is just pointless anyway, I am helpless to do anything for myself.

Again, this is just understanding according to “Bill”. I admit to being out of my understanding level with this, but I am trying to get a handle on something that is literally destroying so many lives. I write about living life to the fullest as you are facing death. Here we have countless numbers of people unable to even live life as it is intended to be lived because of the control, domination and abuse of another. It is just so sad, such a waste of precious time on this earth. It just makes really no sense to me. I want and pray that everyone lives a long healthy happy life. Somehow within myself I seem to feel almost a need to help in this tragic situation. I just don’t know how, feed back or suggestions please.

My good friend Lori wrote of how it can reach the point where an escape of safe zone can actually be place right in front of the victim but they just can’t see it for what it is. I am at a loss for words

With everything that seems to have been going on in my life this past while I haven’t been at the key board much, but I have been checking in occasionally to read the wonderful comments left and to do a little blog surfing.

I am sure we have all done it, visit one site, that leads to the next and then another and so on. Ultimately we are so far removed from where we started we aren’t even sure how we got there. Doing this I got many ideas for posts of my own, today’s thoughts are an example of that. Apologize to who ever gave me this idea for not giving proper acknoledgement, I book marked the site you refered to but not your own. But I thank you for the insight you have given me.

“Battered Woman’s Syndrome” is something that I just do not understand. Thankfully I have no direct experience with it. Frankly, I have always been confused as to why anyone would ever allow such to happen to them, or why they would stay and continue to endure the abuse. This whole concept is in direct contradiction with everything I believe and write about. Life is to be lived, to be enjoyed and not endured. I have questioned, why would anyone continue to accept abuse, control and being dominated for years and years? I am in fact trying to formulate my thoughts and thinking as I go. I ask for and truly welcome feedback to help me gain a better understanding of something that is all to common in our society.

Now I know each situation is different but there are huge similarities in all it seems. My reading has given me at least some idea of the thought process of SOME of the abused. I see it as being so sad.

Actually, I visited several sites on this topic, I suppose it is natural that if you check the blog roll and follow it. It will very likely lead you to similar sites. One in particular really caught my eye and I suppose gave me a little more prospective.

It spoke of “learned helplessness”. This applies to a woman that has endured so much endless abuse she has come to just accept the fact there is nothing she can do to prevent it, she is in fact helpless to prevent it, or worse yet even comes to the point she begins to accept responsibility for it. Coming to believe if she had done this or that better the abuse could have been avoided. Which is just plain wrong. With this she can come to the point where she begins to see herself as being a lesser person or of less importance or value than the abuser.

I have to admit, I became somewhat upset just reading all this stuff, and am starting to feel that way all over again writing about it. It is all just so unfair.

One site talked of how “battered woman syndrome” is more and more being recognized as a legitimate legal defense for a woman should she reach her breaking point and even kill her abuser. I don’t pretend to understand it all but now do have a least a glimpse at what it is like. With what I have read I totally agree with the allowing of it as a defense strategy in some cases.

One site contained a link, (which I book marked) I followed the link and learned a lot. More and more scientific research is being done on this and this is what one experiment showed. OK, now this is using dogs and it is a huge leap to go from a dog to a woman. Before anyone gets upset, I AM NOT comparing a woman to a dog. The very idea is ridiculous. But, I have to think that survival is one of the most basic instincts and that there would have to be at least some what of a comparable, given that basic survival instinct. I also think this would equally apply if it would be a male involved in the situation.

Dogs were placed in a cage with an electrified floor. Over a period of time they were continually given little shocks, just enough to be uncomfortable. As these electric shocks began the dogs ran around constantly seeking a place of refuge from them, but there was none. After some time they were moved to a different cage. In this cage the floor was also electrified but this time there was in fact a safe spot they could go to. Over time they did in fact discover this safe spot, they knew it was there. Surprisingly they did not seek the safety of this safe spot as the shocks continued. They just seemed to have resigned themselves to the fact they were helpless to change “their perceived reality”. They seemed to just accept the fact they were helpless to do anything and just accepted the shocks where they were.

Now, in the world according to “Bill”, how do I see this as in anyway relating to an abused woman.

It took a visit to yet another site for me to be able to connect the dots. I am asking for feedback on this as I do realize the way I am connecting the dots may be way off mark. But, that has never stopped me before.

To help me understand as I do with many things, I have to picture a scenario in my mind, trying to imagine a situation. I picture a woman that maybe grew up in a very abusive family home. Being very controlled, dominated and abused from birth. Typically, there is not a lot a child can do but endure. I can see a definite feeling of helplessness developing. Bear with me as I am sort of developing my thoughts and understanding as I go. Upon reaching young adulthood, I can see the beginnings of a total feeling of helplessness to control her own fate being contained within. Now I picture if that now this. young lady went into a very abusive relationship the feelings of helplessness would just be further nurtured and developed. Here I am talking about the type of horror story relationships we so often read about. Physical and emotional abuse, being totally controlled, dominated and physically abused. The type of relationship where it seems there is nothing she can do right, nothing sh e can do to prevent the next beating. Nothing she does is ever good enough, no matter how hard she tries. I can see the feeling of helplessness being further developed, being ingrained into her being or thought process. “It is hopeless, I am helpless to prevent it, nothing I do is ever good enough”. Over time I can see someone slowly sinking to despair and accepting here is just nothing I can do, I am helpless to prevent anything that happens to me and coming to just accept things as they happen.

Suppose the woman managed to escape the first relationship. I am not sure how far you would take the scenario, but suppose a second, a third relationship. Each maybe a little different from the last but abusive non the less. Because of the very nature of the individual or individuals she has had in her life she has in reality been helpless to prevent the abuse. As I think about it I can see how anyone male or female given that scenario would gradually come to feel helpless and hopeless. I can see the term “learned helplessness” as being valid and understandable.

Human feelings and “conditioning” are so hard to understand. I read of some women after maybe decades of abuse, being controlled and dominated become so conditioned to that feeling that they feel lost without it. Almost like there is something missing from their life, something they have never lived without and now find actually find it hard to adjust to not being abused and controlled. They will actually seek out relationships, work environments what ever that will actually in which they can feel controlled or dominated, take them back into their perceived “comfort zone”, something they have never lived with out.

I read that with others it may have reached the point, where they surrender total control of their lives into the hands of others. In effect abdicating any and all responsibility for their very own lives. Feeling helpless and hopeless.

Trained hopelessness, “what is the point is fighting any more or trying to stand up for myself, it won’t make any difference anyway, so why even try.” To have reached this point would be so sad, lets face it in this world if you are willing to take crap from everyone, there are enough people out there that will be more than willing to take advantage of the situation.

I am often intrigued  by things I just don’t understand. I don’t understand the need for anyone to be an abuser, that part just disgusts me. What I am more intrigued by is the long term affects, the “learned hopelessness” and all the related issues.

Often I have written of dying and the importance of living everyday to the fullest, life is to lived not endured. Every moment of time is precious, a wasted moment is one that we can never get back. Each of us is only allotted a specific number of moments on this earth, please don’t waste any. I realize every situation is different to a degree. But, I can say as a general statement to all. If your life is one of abuse, of being controlled, dominated or manipulated, it is time to reclaim you life. Take back responsibility of your own life, for your own decisions. Life your life, not the life someone else wants or insists you live. It may not be easy, it may take work but it will be so worth it. Your life is to be lived by you, not others, nor is it to be endured. God granted each of us free will, the right to live our own lives and not to live our lives according to the will of others.

I believe we live in such a complicated world today, everyone’s lives are so frantic, so busy that I believe there are likely many “innocent abusers”. What is my definition of an “innocent abuser”. Firstly, obviously anyone that is a physical abuser doesn’t in anyway fit into this group. Here I am thinking more of a few of the emotional abusers, ONLY SOME. I ask this, can some become so busy so wrapped up in their own lives, that they don’t actually see they maybe have become to demanding, even domineering of others in their life’s it may have started off slowly with inconsequential things, but has it somehow been allowed to escalate, unnoticed even by yourself. I ask everyone to just slow down for a minute to stop and think (not including parents raising children), are you allowing your loved ones to truly live their own lives, to chose their own path to happiness. Or are you infact depriving them of their own free will by insisting yours be carried out. Look at all areas of yo ur relationship big and small, are you being fair or taking the easy way out by demanding it be your way. Irregardless of the wants and feeling of the other.  Just think about it, have you even unknowingly become an abuser?

OK, I have given you the world according to Bill. Things as I currently see and understand them. I am asking directly for feedback to help me further my understanding. Please understand I am not being sexist here, the roles could easily be reversed.

I really struggle to understand that.

I am one exceedingly happy guy. Why you may ask. I am going to become a grandpa again. Yup, daughter Billie and hubby Rob decided to give little Sage a baby bother or sister. Come mid October, I will be handing out cigars, hey dads can do it so why can’t grand dads. Well this one is going to anyway.

This is an open invitation to relatives, friends, blogging friends everyone. Stop by and we will celebrate with a cigar. Yeah, yeah I know smoking and all but the is an occasion and one I am going to celebrate.

I have to admit as I am sure most will if they are honest, being a grandpa is a lot more fun than being a parent. You can love them, spoil them and then give them back to mom and dad. I love it.

Mother Nature is playing tricks on us here in Winnipeg, all the snow was gone. Temperatures were quite nice. Suddenly on Thursday night Mother Nature reminded us who is boss and gave us 2 or 3 inches of the white stuff. Nice to see it is mostly gone again, just wish it would warm up.

I want to thank all of my kind and wonderful friends that have left me such all the loving and supportive comments over the past while. Far to many to thank individually but please all know I have read and do so appreciate every comment. I do thank you.

The past couple of months have been difficult ones both medically and personally. That is just the way it is on the highway, the path of life. The highway can contain unexpected bumps in the road and ever detours we weren’t expecting. I seemed to hit an area of my highway that was under heavy construction with bumps, pot holes and detours in every direction. The important thing is to keep the focus going ahead, looking forward and not backwards.

While I have been gone I have done a lot of reading, books, other blogs everywhere. When reading other blogs I often click for one to the next and so on. Until, often I don’t even know where I am or how exactly I got there. Doing this many thoughts and ideas hit me for posts of my own. In fact I have made notes in 8 or 10 different saved posts. I hope to be back on a much more regular basis and as I am my posts will likely be scattered all over the map containing the various thoughts I picked up along the way. Everything from maintaining a strong will to live and be happy, battered woman syndrome, step children the list just goes on.

Today, I just want to comment on the recent passing of my dear friend Charles William (Bill) Dance.

Bill had just passed his 55th birthday when he unexpectedly passed from a heart attack. Bill, alone, had taken his 4 year old grandson to a hockey game. On the trip home he obviously suffered chest pain as he had pulled the vehicle over to the side of the road. When they didn’t return home from the hockey game a search was started but sadly it wasn’t until morning when the police found the vehicle. Bill was slumped over the steering wheel and was beyond help having already passed over.

Sadly the 4 year old grandson spent the night alone in the vehicle with his grandpa. Thankfully he suffered no physical injury as the night was cold. We can only hope and pray there are no last emotional difficulties. I ask for prayers please.

Bill, you were a good man and a great friend you will be missed