Dying Man’s Daily Journal – MERRY CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL.

I hope and pray all my blogging friends and anyone that may read this have a wonderful Christmas.

I hope and pray it is a safe Christmas for all as a severe winter storm seems to have hit a large part of both Canada and the US.. If you are driving, please drive carefully our winter roads can be treacherous.

I hope and pray all will take even just a moment to recognize the day for what if really is. The celebration of the birth of Baby Jesus.

I am going to let everyone in on a little secret, well maybe it is not a secret to many. There are times when I can be a be a real doofus. I often pray many times throughout a day. Sometimes it is in what I consider like the formal or traditional prayer manner. Many times though it is in a more relazed almost conversational tone. I have my own little Christmas tradition. Ever year as early as I can on Christmas morning, I say a little prayer, just to wish Jesus a happy birthday. As do so many of my prayers it starts off in the traditional manner but seem to then drift to the conversational.

Well I did this, this morning. Now I know it takes my head a longer time to wake up than it seems to be for my body. That is my excuse anyway. When I am in this conversation mode, it feels many times that it is like I am talking to a dear friend. Well this morning the last line of my prayer was, “May you have a very happy birthday and many, many more.” That thought hadn’t even finished rolling through my head and it hit me. Wishing Jesus many many more birthdays, geesh. Told you I can be a doofus. Glad there is a sense of humor in Heaven.

I have a challenge for any and all that may read this and when ever they may read this. I challenge you to say your own little prayer in what ever manner you choose. But when it comes to ending the prayer, don’t say the amen or what ever word you may use. Instead leave the prayer open and therefore ongoing. Carry on through your day, remembering you are still in prayer. See if you conduct yourself differently than you would normally? Please let me know.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Loss of an inspiration

Have been taking live easy the past few days, not feeling so spry. I suppose it is my immune system isn’t what it once was, I seem to be very prone to chest colds etc.. That is what I have now. Nothing serious just a chest and sinus cold. Poor Vi has it even worse than I do. Ah, well this to shall pass.

I am sitting here with a heavy heart and bluntly a confused mind. Yesterday, I was deeply saddened to hear of the passing of a young lady that I truly admired. I never had the pleasure of meeting this young lady, who in my mind was my inspiration, my hero and role model. I am having a hard time here. Please go back and read my posts of I believe May 11th and 14th/09. There I wrote of Kendra McBain. Kendra, kindly blessed me with a comment after one of the posts. Kendra fought the good fight living life as it was to be lived. My deepest and most heart felt condolences to the family

My mind is confused. I think of Kendra and the way she lived her life and then there is I suppose what you would call the flip side to the coin. In the past month or so I have learned of the suicides of 2 teen or adult children of acquaintances of mine, plus third very serious attempt. Now, I didn’t actually know any of them with my connection being through the parents.

I read in the newspaper today of a small remote community in Northern Manitoba. Five teens have attempted suicide in the past 3 months.

I am at a loss for words.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Sharing Love the greatest gift of all

The past few days here on the blog have been: heart breaking, heart warming and inspiring all at the same time.

Heart breaking as I read of the struggles the pain our blogging friend Joy is going through.

Heart warming as I see others stepping up to offer loving words of support.

Inspiring, I read of how Joy is dealing with the circumstances.

Inspiring, I read the comments left by my dear blogging friends. I read as they share their stories, their struggles and of how both they and their families survived. I thank God for that. As, I am now blessed to have them all as friends right here, I am such a lucky man.

Inspiring, The loving kindness and caring contained within the human heart is shining through. Here on the blog, yes, I have had comments left by different family members. Yes, I have been honored by being able to meet  in person with a couple of you my blogging friends. (always happy to meet more) The vast majority of us are strangers in the “real” world or physical world having never met. yet somehow, strong bonds of friendship of caring for each other have developed. I suppose cyber friends would be an applicable term. Ah, friends are friends, I don’t care what is or how the connection is made. I continually see the kindness coming to myself, YES. But, it all goes far beyond me. It extends to all that honor us by entering our little blogging community. I think of our young friend Joy. She comes to us with a heart filled with pain and fear. She came as a stranger but did that stop or even slow down the immediate out pouring of love and support, NO. I am so proud of all of you my blogging friends, I am so proud of the loving community we have become. All are welcome, all will be received with loving support. Many have visited the blog, some staying only for a short visit others staying for longer. All have received so much love and support. Joy, welcome for as long as you choose.

Christmas is fast approaching. It is a season of love, love of all. My dear blogging friends your kind loving hearts have given me a greater Christmas gift than I could have imagine. What greater gift could there be than seeing loving hearts in action.

I thank you all, I am such a lucky man

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Urgent prayer request

I was left a comment that touched me very deeply. I know many do not read all the comments left unless they are attached to the most recent posts.

Joy is a young lady who’s mother is battling cancer. Joy has honored my, us by sharing some of her inner most feelings. I am posting her comment and asking please for prayers and comments of support.

Joy Says:
December 18, 2009 at 5:43 am

My mother has been fighting cancer for 2 years now. The cancer started in her bowl and is now in her liver and lungs…and is growing.

When i am at work i am fine. But as soon as i get home and see her my heart begins to ach and i feel like i am dying inside slowly.

People always say that i am brave, but really i am not. I am sick of the uncertainty .. of fearing the worst after each CT scan . Of watching my mother in pain!

Its not fair. You have a mother for a reason. To take care of you, to guide you through your life, to feel the joys and sadness with u. To love you just the way you are.

Its been 2 years of her fighting and she is tierd. I cherish everything about her- they way she smells, the way she smiles, the way she hugs me when she thinks i am sleeping. To think that someday i will begin to forget the way she looks or the way she speaks is unbearable for me.

I dont know how anyone who has written on this blog is coping with actually loosing someone when i can not even cope with the possibility of loosing my mother.

I am scared, that sometimes i lay awake next to her while she sleeps, listening to her breathing.. taking in the sound of her lifes breath. To not hear that sound anymore will kill me.

I am 22 years old and have an older sister who is now married and is not there anymore. I have a younger sister who keeps to herself and a younger brother who does not understand.

Last night my mum asked if she could sleep in my bed. As she lay next to me she said that she was not scared of dying if that was what God had in store for her. She said that she was scared to leave my younger sister and brother behind when they are still so young. She told me that if anything happens to take care of them first always. I promised her that i would and that she need not worry.

It took everything i had not to cry as she spoke- but as she feel asleep- i stayed awake listening to her breathing.

Fear can destroy you.

Cancer will kill you.

But faith will cure you!

… i am strong for my mum. She will never know how i feel about her cancer. She thinks that i am strong and for her i am. I will fight with her for as long as God gives her. And everyday i will thank God and pray for just one more day.

Joy

<strong> Hi Joy, I thank you so very much for taking the time to share your feelings with me and all that my read this.
Joy, your comment has touched me very deeply and I am struggling with a response. It is like I can feel your pain through your words and my heart goes out to you. Please know you, your mother, brother and sisters are in my prayers.
I have said it so very many times and I will say it again. In a situation such as you are in, it is indeed so much more difficult for the family. You are forced to sit back helplessly, so very badly wanting to do something, anything to help your mother, but knowing there is nothing you can do. That is nothing you can do in the way you would like to be able to, take away your mother’s pain, restore her health. It is heart breaking. What you are feeling is so understandable. Know you are not alone in feeling this way it is a very human reaction.
Dealing with grief or fear of a pending loss is a very personal and individual thing. We all react to it and we all show it in our own ways. I can only imagine your brother and sisters feel much as you, but are dealing with it, showing it in their own ways. Can you reach out to them or other family members for support?

Bad things can happen to good people and I can’t explain why. I hope you can find some level of comfort in knowing your mother is not afraid. She has placed herself in the hands of Our Heavenly Father and is prepared for His will to be done. Really what better place could she be, than in His hands.

Your mother sees you as the strong one, the one that will hold the family and everything together come the day when she is gone. I am sure that provides her with a level of comfort, easing her worry about leaving you all behind. Speaking for myself I know this would indeed provide me with a great level of comfort making the time so much easier for me.

As with so many things in life there is a “BUT” that comes with that. It is so wonderful to be there for your mother as you are, BUT at what cost to yourself. You are in the midst of one of the most difficult situations in life. You do need to find ways to care for yourself. This may sound selfish, but trust me it is not. You are a brave and a strong young woman, though at times like this you may not feel it. We know that as painful and difficult as this is you will get through it, one day at a time, or even one hour or one moment at a time. Even the strongest and the bravest occasionally need a shoulder to lean on. It is not a sign of weakness to seek help, seek support. You don’t have to do this all on your own, please reach out loving support is there. At times like this others are often at a loss as to what to say and end up saying nothing, in respect of what we are going through. But, that doesn’t mean they are not there ready and willing to help, even if they can do nothing but listen as you get out your feelings. Please turn to family, friends, a clergy man. All I am sure will have loving, supportive, non judgemental ears. Return here to the blog and feel free to rant and rave expressing your anger, your fears, what ever you are feeling.

Now this is very easy for me to say and difficult to do, I realize that. But, I urge you when you are able, try to put aside the feelings of grieve, fear and dread. Your mother is still at your side, try to spend some of your time together with a heart filled with love. None of us know how many moment we have on this earth, the best we can do is try to make them count.

I and  hope and pray you and your mother have a lot of time left to share in your loving ways.

You said it so well:

“Fear can destroy you.

Cancer will kill you.

But faith will cure you!”

Joy, you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Questions/stuff

Yesterday wasn’t the best day for Vi. She had a medical procedure done. Can’t remember the name of it off hand. The one where the tube goes down your throat to allow them to view the inside of your stomach. She says it wasn’t all that bad, they used medications to really relax her making her pretty sleepy. again waiting results.

Had another reminder my balance is “OFF”. I noticed the cover for the ceiling air vent in the bathroom was getting dusty. I decide to take the cover off and clean it. Not difficult at all. Question was how to reach it, being on the ceiling. It seemed like a no brainer. I could use the toilet as one step up and from there just step up and over to stand on the sink vanity. It worked like a charm. I was up and even got the cover loosened. That is when gravity took over. After a brief meeting with the opposite wall, I landed flat on my butt, with my back slamming into the edge of the toilet bowel. In a very “manly” way I am still going ouch, ouch ouch.

Earth Angel Henri arrived shortly there after and had it down in seconds. I am pretty sure he got it down so quickly because I had loosened it. lol. Geesh, I am a slow learner.

I  know many are preparing for Christmas. It is the season to be jolly. I hope and pray all remember that. It is the season to be jolly. I have to wonder how many are totally stressing and wearing themselves out. Fighting the crowds in the mall, having so very much to do, so very much to prepare, so much work so little time. Tiring them selves out so very much that by the time the big day arrives they are actually to tired to enjoy it to the max..  I know some families may only be able to get together for one day. It would be such a shame for that day to come and you are just so tired to enjoy it. I pray all will just take a deep breath and relax. The day will come and it will go. It will be as wonderful. I can’t help but wonder how many on Christmas day after all the festivities are over, will just sink wearily back into a chair thinking: “well I guess that is that for another year” as opposed to thinking: “was this ever a great day.” How tired or stressed you are can have a lot to do with your attitude and your thinking on that day. What do you think about this? In asking this I am thinking only of the shared family time. I am sure I will be getting into the real reason for the day in the next few posts.

My thoughts seem to be going all over the place and hey this is my journal so I get to write what ever I want.

I have noticed over the past several weeks that if I click on the previous days post, it is being rated. It is being rated anywhere from 1-5 stars. Now I am not complaining as who ever is doing the rating is being very kind indeed. I do know that a while back I was checking through the wordpress system and I did come across something I hadn’t noticed before. In fact a section titled ratings. Out of curiosity I clicked on it but nothing seemed to happen. Obviously something did happen as individual posts are now being rated. Now I am fine with this especially as who ever is doing the rating is being so very kind. I haven’t email support asking them but I have poked around in the system and can’t seem to find out who is doing this rating and based on what criteria. Can anyone help me out with this.

I never proof read or edit any of my posts but I do use spell checker. I just did that, geesh, be glad I did.

Dying man’s Daily Journal – Birthday thoughts

Feeling good today, just really tired. Not sure why, I am certainly getting enough sleep. Will be definitely taking advantage of nap time today.

Vi is up in Thompson babysitting grandchildren and will be back I think it is Tuesday, huh maybe Wednesday. I heard that yesterday with the wind it was -60 up there. I am shivering down here with temps in the -20″s and 30’s. Ah, our Canadian winters.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Going to my brother Eric’s for supper other than that it will be a pretty quite day.I will spend the day enjoying my own company. Now that may sound strange or egotistical or something, but it isn’t if you think about it. Now, I am not talking about becoming a hermit or anything like that, but it is good to have some alone time. If you can’t be comfortable with your own company, how can you expect anyone else to.

Maybe it is an age thing or something but I have reached the point where a birthday is really just another date on the calendar. I suppose it is like a mile stone in the overall picture of our lives and should be recognized as such. i suppose I should really appreciate it as there have been very few people, if even anyone that ever imagined I would still be here. But here I am and still going strong.

I like to think I am evolving into becoming a better or stronger person. Who knows?  Maybe I am just flattering myself to make myself feel good. I do know my thinking has changed a lot over the past few years and is continuing to do so. Back on November 1st I had a blog party to celebrate an anniversary of “being alive”. As I think of it now, I wonder why do I need a specific date on the calendar to tell me it is time to celebrate. i suppose in practical terms, we all live such busy lives, we need a specific date planned in advance to set aside time for any sort of celebration.

For me I think it is sad that we need a specific date marked on a calendar to celebrate our own lives or those of others. What does that date on the calendar really mean? Really all I will be is one day older than I am today. Why does that one day really have to make any difference? Think about that. If you have a friend or family member that you make a point of calling on their birthday, why wait?

Every single day is a milestone to be celebrated.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Fairness

When I pray I speak to God, when I meditate I slow my mind enough to hopefully hear His reply. Now it really would be nice if during meditation I was actually able to hear His voice and get His message. Sadly, for me it just doesn’t work that way. All I hear is the silence of the room or possibly the music I have playing in the back ground.

What I do find though is so very often is that after the meditation even a day or two later a thought will just seemingly come to mind out of no where. It may be a new thought on some sort of issue I am dealing with. It may be a thought I have already had but suddenly see it from a slightly different angle. I can’t explain it I just know it helps me.

Right now I have two of those out of no where thoughts running around in my head. They have a lot of running room in this bowling ball head of mine.

I have heard or read a phrase that is to the effect: “No one said life would be fair or easy, just that it is good.”

Life is good, I have written that many many times. I just don’t have the words to really adequately describe how good it is.

In an email I had a question posed to me. If I had just minutes to give one last message, what would it be? My answer today would be simply: “stop wasting time on life, just live it”

Now what do I mean by wasting time on life? Maybe this is where the two thoughts rambling around in my head come together. Life is not always fair or easy,  but it is good. I think maybe it would be better put to say: “life can be good and is as good as we choose to make it.” Life isn’t always fair it seems, other people aren’t always fair to us.” To that I say, accept it as a fact of life, the way the world works bad things can happen to good people.

Here is where I get to the wasting time part. (finally). Other peoples actions or attitudes do not have to affect me, that is unless I allow it to. Any single moment of time spent in any sort of negative manner is a moment of joy lost for ever. Ask yourself this, how much time on a daily basis do you spend with your mind set in a negative manner? This is the wasted time I am referring to.

Now, I can just imagine many automatically thinking to themselves. “Yeah, that is fine for him to say. If he knew what my life was like. If he knew all that I have to deal with, he would understand my situation is different.”

Everyone is going to think their situation is different, that they are being treated so badly that it is impossible to get any joy out of life.The actions of others reflect on themselves, affecting us only if we allow it.

I know, I know: “IT IS JUST NOT FAIR”.Look at the big picture of life and stop wasting time on the meaningless little things that sap our strength and deprive us of love and joy.

Being treated “fairly” is something I have had to deal with of late. I ask you this. Please take a moment and really think about your life. Think about both the good and the “bad”.  Try to put the entire picture in prospective. Now I know if you have that negative mind set going on, it may even be difficult to see the positive or at least much of it. The perceived negatives may far out way any positives you see.

OK, now think about this and I ask if you think this is fair. I will be 57 in a few days. Now is this fair? I have a gimpy heart that I know could give out at virtually any time. Heart failure with edema, I need pills to make me pee. I have a brain tumor, diabetes, epilepsy,  sleep apnea, carpal tunnel, peripheral neuropathy…. is having all of that fair. OK, you looked at your life and at mine. Want to trade places?

Life may not always seem fair, but it is so worth it. See past the little annoyances, let them roll off you like water off of a ducks back. Remember today’s big issues likely will have even been forgotten in a couple of months, so is it worth spoiling your day today. let it go.

Wow I am full of “sayings” today. There is another one to the effect: “The Good Lord will never lead us anywhere, in which He will not be there to help us through.”

Dying Man’s Daily Journal Prayer request and laughter

I am feeling fine, just no energy, tired and worn out. Having a hard time getting my lazy butt in gear. i do apologize to those that have left me comments or sent email to which I have not responded. I am so far behind I don’t know if I will ever get caught up. Hey, what can I say I work in “Bill” time or at “Bill” speed. Please know I do read and appreciate everyone, please keep them coming.

The same applies to email. I am way way behind in responding to so many messages, what can I say “Bill” speed of doing things. Just looked 167 messages in the inbox. Now these all certainly aren’t new messages today, but are a build up over the past several months, I suppose. Some days I receive no messages at all, other days I may receive 25 or 30. On these bigger days I quickly peruse the list and put aside those that I think will be jokes or wise sayings. (I love getting these and do get to them, please keep them coming). I TRY to concentrate first on the messages from those i know are in a painful or difficult situation. Now remember we are talking about dopey headed memory guy here, sometimes I miss seeing a “real” message.

A prime example of this is a message I received several days ago from our dear blogging friend Jo. For a couple of years now Jo has been a great supporter of and contributor to the blog. About 5 or 6 weeks ago,  Jo disappeared completely.Growing concerned I sent her an email. Now picture me slapping myself on the head, I missed seeing her reply. Sorry Jo.

Today, I ask for prayers for Jo and her entire family. They are in the midst of a very difficult time. I never share personal information received in an email so I will not elaborate on the situation, but do ask for the prayers. At the end of her email, Jo asked me to pass along her best to all of her blogging friends here and assure all she will be returning asap. Jo, you are missed and I do hope you do manage to return soon.

While I am on the subject of emails, it has me thinking. I do get a lot of jokes sent to me, I love them and hope they will keep coming. I may not immediately get to them, but I will get there and have a good laugh. Laughter is something we can never have to much of in our lives. Laughter brings joy to our hearts.

Now don’t get me wrong I am in favor of at least trying to be politically correct of trying not to offend others by simply mis-speaking. Now I so agree there must be a line somewhere, a joke can go quickly from being funny to being cruel. Now that is just plain wrong, period.

Now society as a whole gives guide lines as to where that line in the sand should be drawn. The tricky part is we each individually draw our own line in the sand. Now remember common sense must prevail here, but I have to wonder. Are we so sensitive to political correctness that we are depriving ourselves and others laughter. I mean come on, if a joke is funny it is funny.

Have we  become so sensitive that we automatically take things personally. Have we become so suspicious of  and so untrusting of others that we are constantly on guard. On guard to ensure we don’t fall victim to the jokes of a racist or a sexist or what ever. Now I do know such people are indeed out there but they are in the minority.

Listen to a joke looking for the humor. Laugh if it is funny, don’t spend your time trying to find ways in which you assume it is meant to be derogatory to yourself. I never believe people tell me jokes to laugh at me, they tell me the jokes to laugh with me.

I ask this, would it be considered politically incorrect or maybe insensitive to send “a poor dying man” jokes about dying. Well I don’t at least not im my case. Taking about it, joking about it, laughing about it actually helps ease the load. Now I haven’t had any lately but in the past I have receive all sorts of them. Usually they involve 3 guys arriving at the Pearly Gates, a catholic, a protestant and a guy named Bill. Or an Englishman, and Irishman and a guy named Bill. That poor guy named Bill never seems to fair so well. If it is funny it is funny and I will get a good laugh.

How about telling me some good ones. I will help you out, giving you enough ammunition you can come up with some good ones. OK, besides this dying thing, I am folically  (spelling ??) challenged (bald), vertically challenged (to heavy for my height). I am part English and part Irish.

I challenge you to give me a good laugh. Remember i never judge people by the quality of a joke, I may judge the quality of the joke and either give it a laugh or a groan but that is all.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Birthday request

It is amazing how another year has flown by so very quickly. Yup, I will hit the big 57 on Dec. 13th..

For any that may have followed the blog for a while or read back, I am sure you can guess what is coming next. Yup, you guessed it, I am brazenly, flat out asking for birthday gifts. Now I am I am even going as far as to ask for a specific gift. What is this specific gift I am asking for.

I am asking every one to perform a random act of kindness. I know everyone performs countless acts of kindness on a daily basis inspite of our hectic lives. Most such acts we just sort of stumble upon, perform and carry on without a second thought. This is wonderful.

What I am asking is for everyone to specifically look for and then perform just one more. For whom the act is performed doesn’t matter, the size of or even what the act is doesn’t matter, that amount of time it may take doesn’t matter.

What matters most to me is that we carry in us an awareness of looking for opportunities to help another. Speaking for myself, I know I spent most of my life very self absorbed, so busy trying to get through my own day that I so often failed to even notice those around me. There is a wonderful world out there. We just need to see past our own little worlds to see this wonderful world around us. Contained withing the hearts of people all around the world is so much love, so much kindness, it is beyond anything we could measure. The love the kindness is there we just have to find a way to put it to use. Love and kindness are like renewable resources, the amount available is unending, we just need to put it to use.

A dear blogging friend Cat left this quote in a recent comment. It pretty much does say it all:

Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day.
~Sally Koch

It is these “SMALL” ones that I am asking all to be on the watch for. Could any act of kindness ever be considered too small to be bothered with? NO!!!!!!! We can never know how even the smallest act may impact on another. There are millions of example, here is but one. You are having a work related discussion with a coworker. You can sense the coworker is struggling or feeling down.If our minds and hearts are open to it, our eyes will see such situations. Now as this conversation ends, how long would it take to say just even 4 or 5 encouraging or supportive words, a couple of seconds.Those few seconds wouldn’t disrupt even the busiest day and again we can never really know the impact those words may have on the other person.

At the top of this page is a row of titles, each of these represent a different page I have set up to accompany this the main blog. Please click on the one titled “spirit within me”. Here I ask people to put 5 minutes a week into their busy schedules. Now I don’t care how busy your life is if you honestly feel you can’t fit in 5 minutes a week you are fooling yourself.

Why am I asking for these acts of kindness? There are 4 reasons.

The first is obvious. You have lighten the load, brightened the day of the one you have helped.

Second, To me, just as importantly or even more importantly you have helped yourself.How have you helped yourself? The acts of kindness I am asking for are ones that come from the heart. No reward or recognition is expected or wanted and will even be declined if offered. We leave that situation with such a warm glow in our hearts. We leave it knowing, “I just did something, not because I had to, not because it was expected of me. I did it just because I was there and I wanted to, I am a good person.” This warm glow in your heart is the nicest feeling you can have. It actually grows and increases with each sucsessive act. I grow inside as a person as I come to realize I am a good person. Please give it a try.

Third, I ask you all to leave me a comment here on the blog telling us all of your act, no matter how big or small it may have seemed to you. Why? Reading the acts of others may inspire each of us to do the same. Plant the seed of an idea, like, “hey I could do that, I just never even thought of it.

Fourth, I ask that the comments be left for a very personal and selfish reason. I will make me feel good.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

Didn’t sleep very well last night and am up early this morning. I have to be at the hospital at 7:30 this morning. I am not sure why but I am feeling a little apprehensive even nervous about this whole thing.  With this heart of mine I have been through a lot of tests and procedures and have never felt this way before.

Maybe it is just this memory of mine. I know I have to be there but for the life of me, I can’t remember why. Obviously, I know it is a test of some sort in which a dye is put into my system. So it involves taking pictures of my heart, a cat scan or ultra sound something like that. That part doesn’t worry me.

I remember being told a follow up procedure will be required. What that is will be determined by the results of this test. I always ask for a best case worst case scenario. Best case I like, worst case not so much.