Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Responsible for your own life

Back when I first started this blog I had several purposes or goals in mind. One of my main objectives I suppose was to encourage people to live life, enjoy it. At the time I was primarily thinking of those with chronic or even terminal health conditions. So many are putting up the good fight, the fight to just physically stay alive, be it even for just one more minute, hour, day or what ever. It is so sad that so often it seems we have to come to the point of realizing our live will be ending soon, that it is only then that we can really appreciate the value of it, the value of what we had, the value of what we are about to loose. It is difficult to accept you may not have a future. I mean that literally in the physical sense, Knowing I may not have a tomorrow, I may not even have the rest of today. I have come to realize and appreciate the importance of every single moment of time. I don’t know how many moments I have left so I can’t afford to waste even a single one.

I remember back to when I originally received my prognosis. It was the one and only time I got any sort of an estimated time frame. I now realize I sort of ‘bullied” that guestimate out of my young family doctor. Those words are like burned into my mind, “there is no way to tell, it could be 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, a year, maybe a year and a half even 2 years if you are lucky.” Well here I am 3 1/2 years later and still going strong. I am still seeing years stretched out in front of me. From my heart my guestimate is another 15 years. I even told my cardiologist about this, he just smiled and said “good for you, a positive attitude and a strong will to live will give you years”.

I back then I did a lot of reading on death and dying. I can say I have no fear of what lies after, I am scared of the physical process of dying. OK, I admit I am a wimp and pain just doesn’t appeal to me in any way.

As I read I realized or learned that there are many people that on getting such a prognosis, just basically curl up in a ball, give up on life and simply await the arrival of death. I suppose my “target audience” was those in that similar situation. I wanted to get across or stress the idea, “hey we are not dead yet, we know every moment of life is precious. We know our supply of precious moments may be limited, so lets enjoy them. Make the most of every moment we have, live life as it was intended to be lived, cherish and enjoy ever precious moment we do have left.”

That was but one of my goals in starting the blog. As time went by and the more I read, the more I posted and the more wonderful comments came in, I realized and the more I thought about it I realized, very few people healthy or other wise are actually living, life but more enduring it. I realized healthy people both young and old, were so caught up on the busy tread mill of life they were missing out on the precious moments of life. In my own inept way, I started to write to encourage those people to take a look at their lives. Live them today, so that when you are actually lying on your death bed you are not filled with regrets over wasted precious moments. Then it is often to late and we leave this world carrying those regrets with us.

If I went back all the way through the blog I am sure it is at least hundreds if not thousands of times I have said, Life is to be lived and enjoyed, NOT endured.

Recently, I have sort of “stumbled up” a whole different group of people that are in fact enduring and not “LIVING” life, in fact not being allowed to live, life as it was intended. This being the abused, those physically, emotionally, sexually abused. It almost makes me ashamed to admit I am a man, when I read of how the largest part of this abuse is put on women and children by other males. You will notice I said “other males”. I do believe no real man has ever abused a woman or a child. Sadly there are far to many, males because of age or size out there pretending to be MEN. They are in fact not MEN but instead over grown male delinquents with major problems, seeing themselves as men just because of size or age. Real men in fact look down on this group with nothing but disgust. A real man knows he should use his size and strength to protect all of those in his life and around him.

I sit here sadly thinking of how precious life is and of how so many don’t seem to realize it or take it for granted.

I hope all that read this will have many many healthy happy years of life in front of them. But, I say this to all about your individual life expectancy.

‘THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL, YOU MAY HAVE 3 DAYS, 3 WEEKS, 3 MONTHS, A YEAR, MAYBE A YEAR AND A HALF, EVEN 2 IF YOU ARE LUCKY.”

Again, I say I do hope all have many years ahead of you. But, think about it, that is something that can never be taken for granted. Everyone of us if “lucky” to have today, we automatically assume tomorrow will always be there. Accidents happen around us all the time, in the work place, on the highways and even in the home. Do you seriously think the last person killed in an automobile accident, hadn’t been taking tomorrow for granted. Who knows how many times each of us have been spared or saved from say an auto accident. Who knows if maybe the annoying phone call that came just as we were on our way out the door, didn’t delay us just enough so we weren’t driving through an intersection at the exact time a drunk driver was to run the intersection and hit our car. We just don’t know, maybe it was fate, or luck who knows?

Recognize ever moment of our lives as having been intended to be really lived and enjoyed. What ever your circumstances maybe, if anything or anyone is preventing you in any way from doing this, have the courage, the strength to make what ever changes are necessary. Ultimately every individual is responsible for their own lives, their own decisions. (excluding parents raising children) Allow all others to make their own decisions, life their own lives as they see fit to do so, to be responsible for their own life.  To all, Please take on and accept that responsibility and make any changes necessary to allow you to live your own happy healthy life.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Parenting

Yesterday, I was cruising around the internet looking for mother’s day things. You know how it is when you go from one site and it lead to the next and so on. Some times for me anyway it gets to the point where I am almost lost and don’t know even how I got to where ever I am. Anyway this is way of topic for me but I came across this from aspeneducation.com. I thought it was very interesting and worth sharing. It sort of fits in with the theme of the mother’s day post I put up just before this. Please read both

Don’t Fall Into That Parenting Trap

by Susie Duffy, MFT

During those hot days of mid-summer it can seem as if the school year is miles away. Certainly teens are not thinking about school supplies or new clothes just yet. However, parents whose teens struggled during the past school year still have time to use this critical window of opportunity to help their teen prepare for the next year.

Everyone who has ever parented has made mistakes. That is part of the training of becoming a good parent. There is no exact right or wrong way on how to parent but we all follow some guidelines that we have learned along the way to help us be the best parents we can be. There are actually some identifiable parenting traps, that when identified, can help you avoid making some of those mistakes.

Parenting Trap #1: “Wait until your dad comes home” (or mom, whichever parent may be the main disciplinarian). This is a trap for parents because it gives away your power. You set yourself up as not being able to manage a situation with parental authority. It is a double trap in that it is also a threat. If your child doesn’t believe that you have the ability to manage the situation, the situation further deteriorates by the fact there may be some impending consequence that the other parent will bestow upon them.

Solution: If you are not sure what to do at the moment, make a statement that describes the behavior/situation was not o.k. with you. Let your child know you are serious about handling it with him and you will. This buys you some time to either talk to your spouse or figure out for yourself how you want to handle it. You are not threatening a consequence. It is implied that some action will take place.

Parenting Trap #2: Lack of consistency. We all perform better when we know what is expected of us. Children need consistency and guidance from parents. Consistency lets children know what is expected of them and how they can behave accordingly. Children can be master manipulators. Don’t fall into the trap of teaching your child how to manipulate you.

Solution: Be consistent. Say what you mean and follow through. If your child has chores to do that he doesn’t complete, don’t complete it for him. Set consequences for the behavior and be consistent.

Parenting Trap #3: Too much freedom. In this day and age of unlimited technological advantage, parents can easily fall into trap #3. Internet access, cell phones, text messaging, instant messaging are all vehicles that allow children to explore people, relationships and activities with little supervision. Children need guidance, supervision and your involvement in their daily activities. Information is power and the world looks like one gigantic candy store of opportunity.

Solution: Be aware of the websites your child visits. Have parental blocks and controls on your computer that will protect your child from potential predators. Be involved with your child’s activities and friends. Know who they are communicating with.

Parenting Trap #4: Being a friend vs. a parent. Parenting roles have changed over the last few generations and parents are sometimes too invested in their child “liking” them. This is not your role. You are a parent. Children need guidance, structure and accountability. By providing these basics for your child he/she will respond with respect and trust. I have worked with teenagers who are embarrassed by their parent’s needy approval of them. Teenage girls are embarrassed when their mothers try and dress like them or want to hang out with their friends.

Solution: Be the parent. Set appropriate limits and guidelines for your children. Be aware they may get angry at you for setting limits. Be o.k. with the fact that your child may be angry at you. Remember, you also get angry at your child from time to time, that doesn’t me you don’t love him/her.

Parenting Trap #5: Protecting your child from mistakes or emotional pain. Most parent’s basic desire for their child: “I want my child to have more than I did when I was growing up” “I want things to be easier for my child then they were for me” “I don’t want my child to have to experience pain, loss, sadness, failure, etc. . . . . “ These are all noble desires that parents have, but the trap that goes along with it is trying to protect your child from the feelings that inevitably go along with these things. Making mistakes, having to work hard, being disappointed or experiencing a loss are all part of the maturation process. We all need to feel sadness to experience happiness. We need to experience failure to feel successful and we need to feel loss to experience joy.

Solution: Allow your child to make choices, with your guidance, that may ultimately have a less than desirable outcome. Be there to be supportive when he experiences sadness, loss or other difficult emotions.

Parenting Trap #6: Parental Opposition. The most successful parenting happens when both parents are on the same page with each other. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything the other parent does, it means that you will both support each other as parents and not undermine the other parent’s authority. Let your children know that decisions are made together and you will support what the other parent says. This reduces the opportunity for parental manipulation.

Solution: Work together and be supportive of the other parent.

Parenting Trap #7: Lecturing or dominating the conversation. Children and particularly teenagers want to be talked to, not talked at. Make sure you clearly and succinctly make your point to your child but don’t overdo it with a lecture. Lecturing or dominating a conversation with your child is a sure way for your child to turn you off and not listen to anything else you have to say.

Solution: Make your point and be willing to listen to what your child has to say.

Parenting Trap #8: Power struggle. You want to make your point with your child and you want to listen to your child’s concerns, however, if you argue your point or get in a situation where you are defending yourself, you have just engaged in a power struggle, a definite parent trap.

Solution: Find out the main message of your child’s complaint. Talk about his emotions and what is at the bottom of his problem. Be willing to listen to him; don’t engage in arguing or defending your self.

With awareness and insight, parents can identify and avoid falling into the parenting traps that can ultimately make your job as a parent, more difficult.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal _ Happy Mother’s Day

Happy mother’s day to all the wonderful mothers out there.

I found something I want to share on the true strength and love of a mother.

Mean Moms

All moms are mean for a reason. As we grow into adults we know why our mom’s were mean.

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:

I loved you enough…- to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough…- to insist that you save your money and buy a bike for yourself even though we could afford to buy one for you.

I loved you enough…- to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough…- to make you pay for the bubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, “I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it”

I loved you enough…- to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough…- to let you see anger, fear, sadness disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren’t perfect.

I loved you enough …- to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

I love you enough…- to set clear limits on what you can expect of me and of others

I love you enough…- to be a parent and not a friend

But most of all, I loved you enough…- to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I’m glad I won them because in the end you won, too And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them…

Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother in the whole world!

While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a cookie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were convicts in prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would have to be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the garbage all sort of cruel jobs. I think she would like awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers she could read our minds.

Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn’t let our friend’s just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come to the door so she could meet them.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing others property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we all are educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that is what’s wrong with the world today. It just doesn’t have enough mean moms.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Lost posts/Invasion of Privacy

Again I extend a big big heart felt thank you to my dear blogging friend Mel who was able to send me the “lost” posts. Mel was unable to send the priceless comments that were with each message. I ask all please go through these republished posts if you had left a comment please leave it again. I do treasure all so much. If you hadn’t previously left a comment and would care to do so now, please do.

It might be asked why would I go through all the trouble of reposting lost posts? Is it that I think my messages are so important that they must be there? NO. In fact I know there are millions of places anyone could go and read better written and more informative messages than anything I may share.

So if I know my messages just really aren’t all that important to anyone, why would I go to the trouble and effort of repost so many?

Well the techs at wordpress tell me the missing posts were deleted from within the site and a such are just gone forever. Now that I am the only one that supposedly has access to the inner workings of the site and I know I did not delete the posts, it can only draw me to conclude I had an unexpected and uninvited visitor to the “inner sanctum”. Only 2 others had my password. They are trusted totally and even they only have it as there will come a day when one of them will come on to the blog and make the final post signifying the end of the journal. I know neither of them have been into the site so could not have deleted anything.

This all seems to leave me with but one conclusion to draw. Someone figured out or guessed my password. When I think of it I do realize that my password was I suppose what you would call weak. Anyone that has done enough reading or knows me with a little time patience and luck could figure it out. Believe me that is no longer the case, now only blind luck could lead you to it and it would take a lot of luck at that.

OK, that brings me back to my uninvited visitor. The mere fact that someone anyone would invade my privacy to me is just unacceptable. It would not matter if it was the blog, my email account anywhere. My private space is my private space, no intrusion of that privacy under any circumstances is acceptable. Who ever you are and even to anyone that may be sneaking into anyone else’s sites be a blog, email or any other private areas. That is not acceptable, ( I exclude parents monitoring children when they feel it is necessary). Show you respect the individual by respecting their privacy. If you can’t do that you have a problem my friend.

Someone has chosen to invade the privacy of my blog, to me that is just unacceptable and I will not tolerate it. I am not sure why specific posts were deleted but I have put those same posts right back there, to the extent that I can. No one is going to control what I do or don’t post on my blog. If you disagree with some of the things I may say, confront me with it, face me head on.

After this post I am going to just let this whole matter go and not stress or over think it. But, something has come to mind. The majority of the posts that I know of that were deleted had to do with battered woman syndrome generally about men abusing women. I do have to wonder if I hit a nerve with someone out there. I hope not but if that is indeed the case, here I am pick on me and not a woman. Go for it send me the nastiest messages you can come up with in that sick mind of yours, go for it I am here just waiting.

I realize the most likely scenario is it was just some one just being “mischievous” to you I say grow up. Just send me a message anonymously telling me why it was the specific posts you chose or was it just a random here and there thing. If you really wanted to screw me up, why didn’t you just delete the entire thing.

OK, I am done, it is all totally a non issue in my mind anymore. If someone just wanted to “get my goat” or upset me, sorry that didn’t work either.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Weekend

Recovered post

May 2, 2008 8:24 AM from Dying mans daily journal by Bill Howdle Will be away for the weekend on a family visit. Just to let all blogging friends know, there is no need for concern. A question to all. From the new stats available here on the administators site I am able to see my post on Learned Helplessness is one of my most read posts. Yet I have had very few comments left on that post. Is it I am so far off in my thinking that it doesn’t warrant a comment or as several have indicated, is it that it hits to close to home for many? I am curious, I don’t know. I have no experience in this area. An area I see as being such a wide spread problem in our world, and I am trying to understand or at least get a little understanding of it. Feed back would be appreciated, if I am wrong in my thinking please feel free to correct me, so I can indeed get a better understanding.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Words to live by

Recovered post

	May 1, 2008 10:21 AM from Dying mans daily journal by Bill Howdle Since I have been back I have been making an effort to slowly visit all my dear blogging friends. This morning I visited the Mermaid at poseidonsmuse.wordpress.com. I still haven’t figured out this link thing as the whole system has changed while I was gone. Being as computer illiterate as I am it will take me a while but I will eventually get it. The words in her post were just to beautiful not to share. I understand them to be quotes from the famous Audrey Hepburn a wonderful lady and actress. The post is titled, Condensed from the Ether, Audrey-isms words to live by. Words to live by they certainly are. I thank all that have brought them to my attention. “For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” “Your heart just breaks, that’s all. But you can’t judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.” “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” “I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.” “Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.” “People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” Every single quote contains such a wonderful message and are worthy of living life by. I guess at this point in my life the quote that hit me personally the most was the last,  ” People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”

Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Learned Helplessness insight

Recovered post

	Apr 29, 2008 6:28 PM Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Learned Helplessness gaining insight from Dying mans daily journal by Bill Howdle Yesterday, my post was about abuse, physical, emotional abuse of any and all kinds. Of how that very abuse can lead to “learned helplessness”. The more I read about and hear about abuse of any kind, the more shocked and disturbed I am becoming. I know it is everywhere, mostly hidden behind closed doors. I know there is no excuse for abuse of any type, NONE. It is only now that I am really becoming aware of the profound long term effects. I suppose I had naively assumed once you were out of the abusive situation, life would be good and you could just get back to “normal” and live life as it was intended to be lived. Such is obviously not the case. I am very touched that a few dear blogging friends chose to truly open up and reveal past horrors experienced in their lives. I can think of no better word than horrors to describe the lives they were force to endure on a daily basis for years on end. I thank you for sharing as you have and will be responding individually to your comments. I still can’t really claim to “understand”, this is whole issue is so foreign to my thinking. Being honored by being given at least a glimpse into the lives of others has given me a bite of an understanding of how it all could happen. I am still thinking of the “learned helplessness” the long last effects on ongoing abuse. A whole life is permanently changed forever scarred and total “normalcy” may never be achieved again. I can’t even begin to describe how sad this all makes me feel. Life is to be lived and should never be endured but how many people are doing that exact thing, enduring life. This is not what the Good Lord intended for any of us. He wants all of us to live happy, safe, peaceful, love filled lives. Each of us was given our own free will to make the choices and to live our own happy lives. No one has the right to chose our life for us, controlling our thoughts and actions. NO ONE has the right to ever be physically abusive to another in anyway, irregardless of an ything, no exceptions to this rule, NONE EVER. Yesterday, I asked everyone to just sit back for a moment and think about your relationships with others. Honestly look at the role you play in the lives of all others. Be honest with yourself, and look to see, are you an abuser? Now to some this answer will be easy, if you hand out beatings, are controlling, domineering, use verbal put downs then you are an abuser. Plain and simple as that. Now ask yourself why? Each of us is responsible for our own actions, so if your excuse is “well she made me do it, she made me made because……. That is not a reasonable or even rational excuse. No one but an abuser makes us do anything. You are responsible for your own actions, be a man/woman and accept that responsibility. Each of us has a God given right to make our own choices. What makes you think you have the right to in essence over right God’s will by depriving anyone else of their freedom, their own free will. I ask everyone to please just think about this!! I feel uncomfortable as a male and being unfamiliar with abuse issues trying to write about the feelings that are realistically I think mostly experienced by women. I did say mostly as I know there are many men out there also with similar experiences. Again, I am asking for feed back as the conclusions I am coming to may in fact be way off base and I do realize every situation if in fact different. Slightly different yes, but all seem to have huge similarities. Now, if as I am writing, I happen to word something poorly and it in anyways comes across that I may be assigning any guilt or blame to the victim, Please know it was not intended that way, but was in fact poor wording on my part. Victims of abuse do not carry any of the blame, no matter what is said to them. So here we go again with “life according to Bill”: I see any abuse be it physical, emotional what ever, as having long term very profound affects. I suppose the longer the abuse continues the deeper will be the scars. I would imagine the abuse cycle begins slowly, with seemingly little or inconsequential things, but escalate to the much worse. I see the “trained helplessness” that I wrote about yesterday as actually taking some time to set in or to become ingrained into anyones system. Years can be spent in a frantic effort to make things right, to do things right. All to no avail, nothing you can ever do is quite good enough, nothing seemingly can be done to prevent the next beating. You are so constantly told it is your fault, you deserved or earned the beating because you did or didn’t do…… or at least it wasn’t done well enough. If we are told anything often enough we will actually begin to believe it. Being told constantly you are not good enough, self esteem start to lag of even disappear all together. Fear becomes a constant emotion. Fear of the beatings and abuse, but also fear of leaving. Self esteem has dropped to the level, self doubts prevail. Am I good enough, strong enough to make it on my own. Fear of not being able to support yourself or the kids. You are trapped, afraid and dreading the thought of staying but equally fearing and dreading the uncertainty of leaving. A feeling of hopelessness and helplessness prevails, the self esteem or any that may be left disappears. You are trapped. Gradually, any and all resistance wanes and disappears, what is the point. You are beaten down and just to tired to fight or really even care any more. It just becomes easier to just give in to the will of others, do what they want. Just no energy to fight for anything, it is just pointless anyway, I am helpless to do anything for myself. Again, this is just understanding according to “Bill”. I admit to being out of my understanding level with this, but I am trying to get a handle on something that is literally destroying so many lives. I write about living life to the fullest as you are facing death. Here we have countless numbers of people unable to even live life as it is intended to be lived because of the control, domination and abuse of another. It is just so sad, such a waste of precious time on this earth. It just makes really no sense to me. I want and pray that everyone lives a long healthy happy life. Somehow within myself I seem to feel almost a need to help in this tragic situation. I just don’t know how, feed back or suggestions please. My good friend Lori wrote of how it can reach the point where an escape of safe zone can actually be place right in front of the victim but they just can’t see it for what it is. I am at a loss for words

Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Learned Helplessness

Recovered post

	Apr 28, 2008 12:43 PM from Dying mans daily journal by Bill Howdle With everything that seems to have been going on in my life this past while I haven’t been at the key board much, but I have been checking in occasionally to read the wonderful comments left and to do a little blog surfing. I am sure we have all done it, visit one site, that leads to the next and then another and so on. Ultimately we are so far removed from where we started we aren’t even sure how we got there. Doing this I got many ideas for posts of my own, today’s thoughts are an example of that. Apologize to who ever gave me this idea for not giving proper acknoledgement, I book marked the site you refered to but not your own. But I thank you for the insight you have given me. “Battered Woman’s Syndrome” is something that I just do not understand. Thankfully I have no direct experience with it. Frankly, I have always been confused as to why anyone would ever allow such to happen to them, or why they would stay and continue to endure the abuse. This whole concept is in direct contradiction with everything I believe and write about. Life is to be lived, to be enjoyed and not endured. I have questioned, why would anyone continue to accept abuse, control and being dominated for years and years? I am in fact trying to formulate my thoughts and thinking as I go. I ask for and truly welcome feedback to help me gain a better understanding of something that is all to common in our society. Now I know each situation is different but there are huge similarities in all it seems. My reading has given me at least some idea of the thought process of SOME of the abused. I see it as being so sad. Actually, I visited several sites on this topic, I suppose it is natural that if you check the blog roll and follow it. It will very likely lead you to similar sites. One in particular really caught my eye and I suppose gave me a little more prospective. It spoke of “learned helplessness”. This applies to a woman that has endured so much endless abuse she has come to just accept the fact there is nothing she can do to prevent it, she is in fact helpless to prevent it, or worse yet even comes to the point she begins to accept responsibility for it. Coming to believe if she had done this or that better the abuse could have been avoided. Which is just plain wrong. With this she can come to the point where she begins to see herself as being a lesser person or of less importance or value than the abuser. I have to admit, I became somewhat upset just reading all this stuff, and am starting to feel that way all over again writing about it. It is all just so unfair. One site talked of how “battered woman syndrome” is more and more being recognized as a legitimate legal defense for a woman should she reach her breaking point and even kill her abuser. I don’t pretend to understand it all but now do have a least a glimpse at what it is like. With what I have read I totally agree with the allowing of it as a defense strategy in some cases. One site contained a link, (which I book marked) I followed the link and learned a lot. More and more scientific research is being done on this and this is what one experiment showed. OK, now this is using dogs and it is a huge leap to go from a dog to a woman. Before anyone gets upset, I AM NOT comparing a woman to a dog. The very idea is ridiculous. But, I have to think that survival is one of the most basic instincts and that there would have to be at least some what of a comparable, given that basic survival instinct. I also think this would equally apply if it would be a male involved in the situation. Dogs were placed in a cage with an electrified floor. Over a period of time they were continually given little shocks, just enough to be uncomfortable. As these electric shocks began the dogs ran around constantly seeking a place of refuge from them, but there was none. After some time they were moved to a different cage. In this cage the floor was also electrified but this time there was in fact a safe spot they could go to. Over time they did in fact discover this safe spot, they knew it was there. Surprisingly they did not seek the safety of this safe spot as the shocks continued. They just seemed to have resigned themselves to the fact they were helpless to change “their perceived reality”. They seemed to just accept the fact they were helpless to do anything and just accepted the shocks where they were. Now, in the world according to “Bill”, how do I see this as in anyway relating to an abused woman. It took a visit to yet another site for me to be able to connect the dots. I am asking for feedback on this as I do realize the way I am connecting the dots may be way off mark. But, that has never stopped me before. To help me understand as I do with many things, I have to picture a scenario in my mind, trying to imagine a situation. I picture a woman that maybe grew up in a very abusive family home. Being very controlled, dominated and abused from birth. Typically, there is not a lot a child can do but endure. I can see a definite feeling of helplessness developing. Bear with me as I am sort of developing my thoughts and understanding as I go. Upon reaching young adulthood, I can see the beginnings of a total feeling of helplessness to control her own fate being contained within. Now I picture if that now this. young lady went into a very abusive relationship the feelings of helplessness would just be further nurtured and developed. Here I am talking about the type of horror story relationships we so often read about. Physical and emotional abuse, being totally controlled, dominated and physically abused. The type of relationship where it seems there is nothing she can do right, nothing sh e can do to prevent the next beating. Nothing she does is ever good enough, no matter how hard she tries. I can see the feeling of helplessness being further developed, being ingrained into her being or thought process. “It is hopeless, I am helpless to prevent it, nothing I do is ever good enough”. Over time I can see someone slowly sinking to despair and accepting here is just nothing I can do, I am helpless to prevent anything that happens to me and coming to just accept things as they happen. Suppose the woman managed to escape the first relationship. I am not sure how far you would take the scenario, but suppose a second, a third relationship. Each maybe a little different from the last but abusive non the less. Because of the very nature of the individual or individuals she has had in her life she has in reality been helpless to prevent the abuse. As I think about it I can see how anyone male or female given that scenario would gradually come to feel helpless and hopeless. I can see the term “learned helplessness” as being valid and understandable. Human feelings and “conditioning” are so hard to understand. I read of some women after maybe decades of abuse, being controlled and dominated become so conditioned to that feeling that they feel lost without it. Almost like there is something missing from their life, something they have never lived without and now find actually find it hard to adjust to not being abused and controlled. They will actually seek out relationships, work environments what ever that will actually in which they can feel controlled or dominated, take them back into their perceived “comfort zone”, something they have never lived with out. I read that with others it may have reached the point, where they surrender total control of their lives into the hands of others. In effect abdicating any and all responsibility for their very own lives. Feeling helpless and hopeless. Trained hopelessness, “what is the point is fighting any more or trying to stand up for myself, it won’t make any difference anyway, so why even try.” To have reached this point would be so sad, lets face it in this world if you are willing to take crap from everyone, there are enough people out there that will be more than willing to take advantage of the situation. I am often intrigued  by things I just don’t understand. I don’t understand the need for anyone to be an abuser, that part just disgusts me. What I am more intrigued by is the long term affects, the “learned hopelessness” and all the related issues. Often I have written of dying and the importance of living everyday to the fullest, life is to lived not endured. Every moment of time is precious, a wasted moment is one that we can never get back. Each of us is only allotted a specific number of moments on this earth, please don’t waste any. I realize every situation is different to a degree. But, I can say as a general statement to all. If your life is one of abuse, of being controlled, dominated or manipulated, it is time to reclaim you life. Take back responsibility of your own life, for your own decisions. Life your life, not the life someone else wants or insists you live. It may not be easy, it may take work but it will be so worth it. Your life is to be lived by you, not others, nor is it to be endured. God granted each of us free will, the right to live our own lives and not to live our lives according to the will of others. I believe we live in such a complicated world today, everyone’s lives are so frantic, so busy that I believe there are likely many “innocent abusers”. What is my definition of an “innocent abuser”. Firstly, obviously anyone that is a physical abuser doesn’t in anyway fit into this group. Here I am thinking more of a few of the emotional abusers, ONLY SOME. I ask this, can some become so busy so wrapped up in their own lives, that they don’t actually see they maybe have become to demanding, even domineering of others in their life’s it may have started off slowly with inconsequential things, but has it somehow been allowed to escalate, unnoticed even by yourself. I ask everyone to just slow down for a minute to stop and think (not including parents raising children), are you allowing your loved ones to truly live their own lives, to chose their own path to happiness. Or are you infact depriving them of their own free will by insisting yours be carried out. Look at all areas of yo ur relationship big and small, are you being fair or taking the easy way out by demanding it be your way. Irregardless of the wants and feeling of the other.  Just think about it, have you even unknowingly become an abuser? OK, I have given you the world according to Bill. Things as I currently see and understand them. I am asking directly for feedback to help me further my understanding. Please understand I am not being sexist here, the roles could easily be reversed. I really struggle to understand that.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal - Let’s Celebrate

Recovered post of April 26th

	Apr 26, 2008 12:24 PM from Dying mans daily journal by Bill Howdle I am one exceedingly happy guy. Why you may ask. I am going to become a grandpa again. Yup, daughter Billie and hubby Rob decided to give little Sage a baby bother or sister. Come mid October, I will be handing out cigars, hey dads can do it so why can’t grand dads. Well this one is going to anyway. This is an open invitation to relatives, friends, blogging friends everyone. Stop by and we will celebrate with a cigar. Yeah, yeah I know smoking and all but the is an occasion and one I am going to celebrate. I have to admit as I am sure most will if they are honest, being a grandpa is a lot more fun than being a parent. You can love them, spoil them and then give them back to mom and dad. I love it. Mother Nature is playing tricks on us here in Winnipeg, all the snow was gone. Temperatures were quite nice. Suddenly on Thursday night Mother Nature reminded us who is boss and gave us 2 or 3 inches of the white stuff. Nice to see it is mostly gone again, just wish it would warm up.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal - I’m back

	Apr 25, 2008 12:45 PM from Dying mans daily journal by Bill Howdle I want to thank all of my kind and wonderful friends that have left me such all the loving and supportive comments over the past while. Far to many to thank individually but please all know I have read and do so appreciate every comment. I do thank you. The past couple of months have been difficult ones both medically and personally. That is just the way it is on the highway, the path of life. The highway can contain unexpected bumps in the road and ever detours we weren’t expecting. I seemed to hit an area of my highway that was under heavy construction with bumps, pot holes and detours in every direction. The important thing is to keep the focus going ahead, looking forward and not backwards. While I have been gone I have done a lot of reading, books, other blogs everywhere. When reading other blogs I often click for one to the next and so on. Until, often I don’t even know where I am or how exactly I got there. Doing this many thoughts and ideas hit me for posts of my own. In fact I have made notes in 8 or 10 different saved posts. I hope to be back on a much more regular basis and as I am my posts will likely be scattered all over the map containing the various thoughts I picked up along the way. Everything from maintaining a strong will to live and be happy, battered woman syndrome, step children the list just goes on. Today, I just want to comment on the recent passing of my dear friend Charles William (Bill) Dance. Bill had just passed his 55th birthday when he unexpectedly passed from a heart attack. Bill, alone, had taken his 4 year old grandson to a hockey game. On the trip home he obviously suffered chest pain as he had pulled the vehicle over to the side of the road. When they didn’t return home from the hockey game a search was started but sadly it wasn’t until morning when the police found the vehicle. Bill was slumped over the steering wheel and was beyond help having already passed over. Sadly the 4 year old grandson spent the night alone in the vehicle with his grandpa. Thankfully he suffered no physical injury as the night was cold. We can only hope and pray there are no last emotional difficulties. I ask for prayers please. Bill, you were a good man and a great friend you will be missed