Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Pre-Op …..Gifts Please

Today is the day of the pre-op. I admit to being a little apprehensive. What they will be doing has been described as a new procedure. Dealing with this blockage has been passed over at least twice in the past as being too risky. I know that virtually every day huge advances are made in the world of medicine and I am sure some of those advances have greatly reduced the risk involved here.. I have been told it is a 4-5 hour procedure which means at this time next week I will be right in the middle of having it done. About 1/2 way to feeling a lot better.

I want to thank our dear blogging friend fairyfluttering for the suggestion I provide a mailing address so cards and well wishes could come flooding in from all over the world. She suggests being able to read all those loving messages of support would just have to help the healing process. I do admit that sounds wonderful and so heart warming. Be it justified or not, I am just not comfortable providing my home address out on the world wide web. I have no problem providing my address to friends, who knows maybe I am just being crazy.

I have come upwith a different idea that I know would be very heart warming to me. Many times over the course of the blog I have flat out asked for gifts and I am going to do that again now.

I have always held the thought of random acts of kindness close to my heart. What I am asking is that any and all that may read this actively look for the opportunity to do a random act of kindness and then act on that opportunity. The size of this act does not matter, big or small it all counts. For whom you do this act of kindness doesn’t matter. All that matters is that from the goodness contained within your heart you did somerthing to in some way help or make the live of another better or a little easier. Not something we have to do or are expected to do, not with the thought of any reward or recognition. Just because we can.

The gift to me will be having you write in and tell me about what your act was. It will not be seen as bragging or boasting or any such. It will be seen only as your gift to me. Plus, your actions when written here may provide ideas for others that may follow your lead.

Every once in a while I will receive a comment from some one describing themselves as a “lurker” (someone that reads but doesn’t write in). I am calling on you. I am calling on everyone, all my friends everyone.
Get your friends involved let’s make this world just rock with kindness

Pre-op, not reassuring

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

I just realized this is in fact post #1150, do I ever like to ramble. I think back and at post #1,000 I had intended to put up a post about the things I had learned from blogging. I look back through the unpublished draft posts I have saved and see I have actually started that post 3 different times. Have another go at it.. In no particular order other than as they come to mind.

If you have to live your entire life, every second of your life with one person would it not make your life a lot more pleasant, enjoyable if you at least liked that person. Imagine if every minute of every day you are just plain stuck with someone you are just not all that fond of or even dislike. Would that not make finding true happiness, contentment and joy more difficult in life. Well you are “stuck” with one person for every second of every day. That person is yourself and you yourself play a much bigger role in determining your own happiness than does anyone else. Happiness comes from within, searching for it externally is most often set to fail Think about that and let me know what you think.

As much as I seem to so often think it should the world DOES NOT revolve me or you. How often do we set ourselves up for some sort of hurt or disappointment when things in life donèt go the way we expect them to. Someone does not act in the way or manner that we are hoping or expecting them to. How often do we get upset by the actions of another having the thoughts: What is their problem don’t they know they should/shouldn’t……… and we get upset. We take it personally when others live own their lives, in their own way especially when that happens to somehow over lap into our own lives, possibly spoiling our own perfect view of how things should be.
A thought just hit me. I do believe God has a plan of all of us. Speaking for myself I do not know what that plan is. What I do know is what I would like that plan to be. Now let’s see who would know what is best for me? God or myself? Now is that a ridiculous question or what?

I am just starting to get on a role in my rambling way and need a break. My pillow is calling my name and telling me I need a nap

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy grandpa

Having a good weekend. Lynelle has come to town bringing grandchildren Seth and Sadie. I have an ongoing game with them. It is a hug stealing game. Now as with any game there are rules. They play as a team against poppa. The objective is to catch the other unawares to steal a hug. Bedroom and bathroom are “safe” zones. Plus no stealing when you are eating, we don’t want any choking or any such. Now Miss Sadie seems to be the offical score keeper and try as I might I am always well behind in the scoring. i have to chuckle as no matter what the score in the game says, I am the winner. (5 and 7 year old hugs are precious).
Shauna and Jake are coming into town this afternoon bringing precious little princess “Meeks” a 13 month old snuggle bunny. My two othere little princesses I hope to face time with. I am doing the grandpa happy dance and that is a sight to see.

Dying Man’s daily Journal – To Hospital again

Spent yesterday in the hospital. Previous 3 days hadn’t been feeling so spry with a lot chest discomfort, throwing up and profuse sweating. Over all I wasn’t feeling too bad just no well. Well that is until the nausea would hit. It just seemed to come out of no where. That feeling seemed to only last for a few minutes and then disappeared as suddenly as it came. I could at least tell it was heart related as a couple a sprays of the nitro under the tongue would take care of the chest discomfort. The issue was it took care of it for an hour or two and then kept coming back. I really didn’t think I was having a heart attack as the chest discomfort was different, it was more like a heavy squeezing as opposed to the pain I have experienced in the past.
The first day all of this was going on Vi suggested the hospital, day 2 she strongly suggested the hospital, day 3 she insisted. When day 4 started out the same way she presented me with a choice. Either she drives me to the hospital NOW or she would call the ambulance NOW. (Grumble, grumble bossy women, lol).
My arrival at the emergency department created quit a stir. I had doctors and nurses all over me. Within a couple of hours I was having an emergency angiogram done.
It was determined it was not a heart attack. Now this is I understand it. We know there is a 100% blockage of one of the major arteries. We already know there are smaller arteries, delivering blood around that blockage and obviously enough to keep me going. That doesn’t mean those little arteries are rerouting all of the blood that arrives at that spot. In simple terms I can understand, extra blood arrives there at that spot creating a bit of a bottle neck. Not enough to be medically serious but enough to cause the discomfort.
I do thank all for the wonderful comments being left for me. I do read and treasure each one. I am feeling better and do plan on blogging much more frequently, God bless to all.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Doctor appointment

Had an appointment with my family doctor yesterday. We both (Vi and I) always seem to come away from those appointments filled with feelings of doom and gloom. This is the same doctor that told me a few months back that I had days, maybe weeks but not months left.
Yesterday, we discussed my up coming surgery being in 6 to 8 weeks. He added that the surgery would be only if I was still alive. That sort of stopped me in my tracks, like of course it will only be if I am still alive. I am REALLY sure it would be canceled if I had indeed already passed. Through out the appointment he threw in that “if you are still alive” thing 3 or 4 times.
It reached the point I had to confront him about it, “why do you have to keep stating the obvious?” His response: “to keep the discussion realistic”. He just doesn’t think I have that long.
It was so very hard on Vi hearing it again and again

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – LIFE

I am feeling good, life is good and I am so grateful for every moment of it. Went to the hospital for blood work this morning early this afternoon some time they will be calling to tell me if they want any adjustments to my blood thinning medications. They are keeping a very close eye on that wanting it to be as thin as possible with consideration being given to the size of some of those little veins it must now flow through. Blood clots are a major concern and am on anti clotting medications. All this simply means I bleed and bruise much easier which is a nuisance but, hey, if this is what it takes, not a big deal. Part of the blood thinning medication includes 2 needles, I give myself in my stomach which is no big deal at all but the injection does cause bleeding both internally and externally. Considering the benefit again it is a small price to pay. My stomach from the belly button downward is on massive big bruise (the internal bleeding). Externally I will think I have the bleeding under control and just carry on with what ever. Not that easy, have gotten a fair amount of blood on 2 shirts and a pair of jeans.
Now that all may sound like I am whining or complaining but really I am not, I am just explaining what is going on. I am just so happy to be alive that anything like that doesn’t even register as the slightest of bumps on the highway of life and nor should it.
The thought just hit me as I am sitting here, of how much my thinking has been changed. i just have to laugh now at how ridiculously serious I used to take things. There was a day and not that long ago that I would have been upset, I mean blood over 2 shirts and a pair of jeans how annoying is that. Now, it is just, Vi is very good with the laundry and she may get those stains out but if not, oh well not a big deal.
What would be your thoughts if that happened to you?
Just noticed add bed sheets to list of bloodied things

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Feelings

I just noticed the time. If all goes according to schedule this time tomorrow I will be on the operating room table. I am so looking forward to getting this over with.

i have been spending time just thinking about my life. What am I most grateful for? That is so obvious my daughters have been such a wonder in my life. Billie, Shauna I love you so much. I always have and always will be so very proud of you. The good Lord was certainly smiling down on me as He blessed me with each of you. I am so blessed, I know and appreciate that.

through you the blessings have just kept coming. Three grand daughters, my amazing little princesses the pride and joy you have brought to my heart. I love you so much, more than you can imagine. Princess Sage, Princess Emery and Princess Malieka you are a grandpa’s dream come true. Now princess Sage a while back we had a conversation in which you said you are not really a princess because to be a real princess you had to be the princess of “somewhere”. Do you remember what I said to that. My heart is somewhere and you will always be the princess there.
Rob and Jake my two son-in-laws, what can I say. I am so very happy and proud to have each of you as part of my family.
Vi what a rock you have been for me. At my side as we have faced each challenge head on. Day by day you are there never complaining as you have been forced to take on more and more as my physical limitations have decreased. With out you, your loving support and encouragement I have no doubt I would not be here today. What can I say but I love you and thank you. Those few words seem like a pretty feeble attempt at expressing my feeling but I am at a loss for words to say all I feel. I trust you know what is in my heart.
I seem to have tired myself out, nap time is feeling really appealing. I am suddenly feeling I have so much more to say to my best buddy Seth. To Sadie and all of Vi’ children and grandchildren. When Vi and I first got together all those tears back, we each had children from previous relationships. On both sides the kids were already grown. Now back then I thought of her grand kids as my step grand children. Some how with the passing of time the word step when it comes to the grand kids as disappeared from my thoughts.
Unless you are a blogger, I don’t think you can understand the depth, the reality of these cyber relationships. The bonds of loving support that develop as we accompany each other on this leg of life’s journey. The degree of comfort and support given and received is beyond measure. I have been blessed beyond belief by all of you my cyber friends, I just don’t have the words all that is in my heart.
Hmm, Vi just read this and says it sounds like I am saying good bye. I prefer to think of it as me just taking the chance to express my feelings.
Yes, I will be gone from the blog for at least a few days but I WILL BE BACK

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

Again I do thank all for all the loving and supportive comments. I do read and appreciate all.

Some have expressed concern over my stress levels and how I am dealing with it. Now as hard as I try to reassure her Vi is worried sick. We work as a team, I take care of some things, she takes care of others. OK, she is taking care of the worrying, I know that part is being dealt with so I don’t have to bother with it. That actually, as silly as it sounds is sort of the way it is working.

i really am not concern with the up coming angiogram/angioplasty. I have been there and done that. It is what comes after, which will be base entirely on what they see when they have that camera in my heart. This time the day after tomorrow we will know.
I really don’t know how much time I do have. What I do know is I want to get as much living as I can out of it.
Reality is I can’t help but be apprehensive, I know that. I think you would maybe be in denial if you didn’t accept/realize the seriousness of all of this. What I have become pretty good at is giving myself 15 or 20 minutes in the morning to, yes, feel a little sorry for myself. I am not sure if feel sorry for myself is the correct wording. It is the time I allow myself to grieve. People grieve when they suffer a loss or are facing a loss. I see facing you own passing is a very good reason to grieve.
It is like I need to get those feelings out, acknowledge them but then try to put them away for the rest of the day. How can I truly live my precious life (it is precious to me) if my head is all clogged up worrying and fretting over something that I can not control.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Believe

I am doing well. Yesterday even went grocery shopping with Vi. I am not good at walking distances but having the shopping cart to lean on made it a lot easier. Costco is a huge store and normally Vi would get in there and wander, browse and shop for hours. She enjoys that and I am sure she likely checks every isle. She always returns with way, way more than was on the list.
We joked after that was likely her quickest shop ever, it was fun. Usually she goes alone for that very fact, she likes ti wander and browse. I guess it is a male/female thing. Even when I had the stamina a shopping trip for me was into the store, buy what I need and gone ASAP and women wonder why us “poor guys” often can’t understand them. Lol.
I do thank all for all the kind, loving and supportive comments. I do read them daily and am so grateful for each and everyone.
I received an email with such a wonderful little poem that I just have to share it. It contains my thoughts but written in a manner far beyond me. I am not sure of the origins or credit would be given:

Believe
In your own heart that something
Wonderful is about to happen.
Love your life
Believe in your own powers
Believe in your own potential
Believe in your own goodness
Wake up every morning with
The awe of being alive &
Live this day well!!!!!

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Living/Loving Life

I was at the hospital this morning for more blood work. I take a major blood thinner, which reduces the clotting ability of the blood, which in turn makes it more difficult to stop bleeding. With the upcoming procedure they will be cutting into a major artery being able to stop it bleeding afterwards if kind of a big deal. They are taking me off the warfarin (blood thinner) and replacing it with a needle. Huh, can’t remember what the name of that drug is. Have to just jab myself in the stomach with will be no big deal.
A thought hit me, I have in the last few posts been writing about the medical conditions but not really about how I am doing, which really is just fine. OK, yes it was a little lonely while Vi was gone. If anyone is picturing some poor guy just laying on his bed full of fear, worrying and fretting about what is to come, that is not me. I can’t say it is not getting to me a little bit. It is more like a nagging little tooth ache. You know it is there but it doesn’t really stop you. I don’t know if that is a good comparison or not but at the moment it is the best I can come up with.
I am a truly blessed and lucky man and I know it and appreciate it.
If not daily then very close to it I get to face time (like skype) with both of my daughters and beautiful little princesses, how special is that. I spend a lot of time playing words with friends (scrabble) with family online.
I get out when I can. About a week or so ago I wrote a post, thought I had posted but find I saved it instead. I talked about the excitement of going to a hockey tournament. I made it to 3 or the 4 games. Now this was a pretty special and exciting tournament. The Thompson Knights were in town playing against a number of Winnipeg teams. All of the players on all of the teams did a fantastic job and I congratulate them all. Now I do have to say there was one player that caught my eye in particular, #10 for Thompson. The way he flashed up and down the ice was a sight to behold, showing great determination and team work, I was down right proud of him. Yes, he did spend a little time down on his bum but no more than the rest of the players, future stars all of them. The games were great to watch, very entertaining.
The teams may have been slightly below NHL levels but with their level of excitement it didn’t matter. The action often had the crowd on their feet cheering. What level were these dynamos. In the 6-7 year old group. Who was that amazing #10 grand son Seth. Two wonderful days.