Dying Man’s Daily Journal – words to say goodbye


God put on another beautiful light show for us last night. I love watching these storms but am getting really tired of all the rain and the high humidity caused by all the moisture. Breathing becomes so much more difficult. It is amazing how our bodies and our minds adjust to the situation. Often I will not even realize I am huffing and puffing until Vi or someone mentions it.

I shouldn’t complain though, there are many others facing much more difficult times than just shortness of breath.

This year with this weather, tornadoes have become more of a factor, than what seems to me, as being more than normal. Homes have been destroyed lives changed forever by a few minutes of violent weather. Thankfully, that I am aware of no lives have been lost.

Yesterday, I received a comment from my friend pradapixie. In it she asked a very good question. I appreciate the straight to the point, no beating around the bush, wording she has used. Have I made any arrangements for my friends in the blogging world to be notified when the journal is done, when I have passed to the spiritual world. So in effect people are not left wondering, if suddenly the posting stops. Yes, I have.

Here on the blog I have 2 saved posts, one is just called testing. I use this one for when I was experimenting trying to upload pictures, set links etc.

The other one is title Vi (wife) speaks. When that message appears it will signal the end of the journal. I will have passed from the physical to the spiritual world, or am incapable of posting anymore. Originally, I had thought of it as just being a simple note giving times and dates etc.. At different times I have gone into that post wanting to write a final thank you and say good bye to all my blogging friends. I did that again yesterday and I am finding I am having such a struggle to find the right words or really any words.

I have to ask myself how can this be. The vast majority of people here on the blog are strangers, people I have never met. How could it be hard to leave a message saying good bye to a stranger. I came to realize how really important everyone here has become to me. I mean really what is a stranger, just a new friend you haven’t met yet.I have met many new friends here in the blogging world, and I obviously have come to care about each and everyone.

This has been a good learning experience for me. Saying the final good bye will always be hard, I know that. Maybe that is why I don’t want to say it. Plus, there is the fact I truly do not believe it is really good bye, it is more like I will see you later, in a much better place.

Yesterday, I read a very touching post by my good blogging friend Sister Julie. She writes of her final visit with a dying friend, another nun. She was not even sure if her friend knew of her presence, but wanted to say some final words. She writes of being unable to find any words, so instead began to pray the Hail Mary aloud. At times the friend joined in with a word or two, making obvious she was aware of Sister Julies presence. I am sure hearing the prayer at that time was a blessing well received. I am also sure just the knowing Sister Julie was at her side was a huge blessing. What regular words could anyone say compared to the feeling of being loved. Mere words are not always necessary, when you feel the love of someone at your side.

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22 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – words to say goodbye

  1. Jill says:

    I will miss you when you are gone.

  2. Jill says:

    I’m starting to cry just reading this.

  3. pradapixie says:

    I wil miss you too even though are friendship has come rather late in the game. btter late than never.

    What i have had with you Bill is the joy and sadness of finding my stuff about my mum again. For which I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    I thank you also for being there for me in the last few days as i have gone through some difficult stuff.

    It has been and is a pleasure to have you in my life.

    with love mx

  4. reggiehudson says:

    I too have given detailed instructions for my ending. First and foremost that this passage of scripture be read….Eccl. 7: 1-3
    1 A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one’s birth.
    2 It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.
    3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better…………
    Then we get to verse eight
    8. Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit
    Brother not trying to bring you down but rather trying to lift you up. Since the premise of the post is about perhaps any one of our ‘s demise.
    I’ve instructed my family that if anyone gets up in a pulpit and starts describing how I was a pious righteous man…..Drag his butt out of the chapel. Even if he’s kicking and screaming. He either never knew me and was just telling people what he thought they wanted to hear or worse yet, he knew me and didn’t want to hurt any one’s feelings.
    All I am is a sorry individual that has found grace in The Eyes Of The Lord…..Nothing more and nothing less…..

    Final thing for my funeral though……..Play the theme from 2001 Space Odyssey…just something about that song just smells of Victory. Only thing is I want it played really LOUD! And yes God has given me the equipment to make it so.
    Don’t have the need to say farewell to you…how can you say goodbye to someone you’ll spend eternity with.

    love you my Brother,

    Reg

  5. mel says:

    ..k…. I admit it.
    I’ll be joining Jill in the corner, being weepy.

    I promise it won’t last forever, Bill.
    I’ll find joy…cuz I know you’ll be in the grandest of company.

    Can I tell you I’m forever grateful that we get that knowledge….that you care enough to have asked that we get included….
    Thank you.
    Too many people just up and disappear via this medium and I’d choose knowing over not knowing.

    ….k…..NOW I’ll join Jill.

  6. Estefanía says:

    I´d better speak, before keeping myself in the “lurking” seat.

    I´m so grateful to visit from quite a few miles down the continent (Caracas, Venezuela) to find kindship and hope here.

    Gracias, muchas gracias, Mr. Howdie, for sharing your time and personal history.

    And I´ll keep visiting :)

  7. rhosie says:

    As I read your blog, my eyes wants to cry…. I know were both stranger with each other….. But my heart touches the thing you wrote….. I see calmness and at peace in your heart….. I dont know where do you get that courage to think others before yourself……… I will share you something my sister will be migrating to other country soon. That means we will be apart, she started a life with her new family….. You know realizing that i feel tormendously bad, to be away from her…… After reading your blog, i felt ashame to be self centered for my sister happiness…..
    Thanks for your blog, I know saying goodbyes will be hard. But I know you will be with the kingdom of God. You will go in a place where there is no sadness, worries, fears, where only love is rule….. I pray to you….. to your family…. thanks for inspiring me….
    God will always bless you…..

  8. Bill,

    I suspected that you were an organized, rather A-type former banker man. This just confirms it!

    I am also glad you’ve had the foresight to take care of this. Thank you.

    On to happier news. Your posts that you promised about the places you’ve worked?

    Love to Vi,
    Martha

  9. babychaos says:

    When I first found this blog, I wasn’t sure if I could handle reading it but you have a lightness of touch which stops it from being heavy. You are always positive and what you write is always genuine and true. In short, you’re a great guy and a wise person, too. I have got the impression over the last couple of posts that things are not as easy at the moment. That, maybe, you feel it the time is closer. So I thought I should say that when you do “go gently into the night”, I will miss you, too.

    In a while croccodile ;-)

    Take care

    BC

  10. Simonne says:

    Bill, you say “What regular words could anyone say compared to the feeling of being loved?” Well, my friend, your words throughout this post are wonderful, just wonderful. You have this ability to talk about difficult things in a very simple, humble way that makes you cry one second and laugh the next. A true gift. I agree that it won’t be goodbye, but see you later. We are all the same – made of the same energetic material and all connected at all times, regardless of the physical body that we inhabit. If I can ‘see’ you now, then I can certainly ‘see’ you once you’ve crossed and truly gone home, and my how magnificent you’ll be!
    Much love to your brave, humble, loving soul x

  11. ceeque says:

    I remember you wrote of this before, I remember you telling us of the saved journal entry you mention above, some months back, not long after I found your blog…I think now what I thought then. We will miss you like crazy, you have gathered together a bunch of people who feel a likeness of some sort and the gathering has grown over the months, all your friends now and quite close to your blog and you and Vi and family…strange world indeed.
    I just know you will be ok in the Lords hands..think of one single odd word literally that you can tell Vi and no one else, like a password almost, when you pass over Vi will come across that one word a lot and in certain circumstances she will have great confidence that you are still indeed with her, you can make that word appear to her in many a different form and thought and it will greatly add to her comfort. Sounds crazy? I think it could work for you….
    Take care Bill, hope you feeling a little better!

  12. Bill Howdle says:

    Hi Jill, I thank you for your kind thoughts. Don’t grab the tissues to soon, By my plans I have a while to go yet.
    Pradapizie, it is never to late for a friendship to begin. We are helping each other through difficult times.
    Reg, good for you man.
    mel, I have come to care a great deal about you and all my blog friends. I thank you for all your support. Mel, we have shared a long journey together, I thank you for being there for me
    Estefania, thank you for stopping by to visit and for your comment. I do hope to hear from you again.
    rhosie, I thank you for the kind comment and for sharing the story of your sister. I know it is hard to face being seperated from loved ones. I hope to hear from you again
    Martha, you are right I did promise to share stories of my past. I am going to get back on track with that. I think many would be surprised that the life of a banker isn’t as I am sure many imagine. Maybe it will also help others understand some of the life choices that I made that have got me to the position I am.
    My dear friend babychaos. It is with you that I share the longest blogging friendship. I have never reread a single one of my own postings, but the comments I read again and again. A couple of days ago I was back reading the comments from right when I started the journal. It was only 2 or 3 days into the blog and there you were, sharing the first of so many words of encouragement. I can’t tell you how much your ongoing support has meant to me. I thank you.
    Simonne, I thank you for your compliments and kind words. We share many of the same thoughts. I just question one thing, even after I have crossed, me magnificent, well it gives me something to hope for.
    Much thanks and love to all
    Bill

  13. Bill Howdle says:

    Charles, you are another long time blog friend. I thank you for every comment you have left. I am going to try the password idea.
    Bill

  14. pradapixie says:

    Bill this is in answer to your comment on my blog. and i wanted you to get it quicker than perhaps you would have if i’d left a comment on my site.

    I did not mean to imply anything in my comment about your silence. what was happening is good old fashioned guilt about what I have written

    I enjoyed the challange of writng something so raunchy, but am now not happy about having done it.

    So i am making assumptions that I am being disapproved of. Not that I have any evidence for this paranoid statement. It is my own stuff about being a nice girl.

    I know you have commented and I am very pleased to receive your comments. And I suppose if I’m brutally honest with myself I’m waiting to be told off for being , well whatever. And because i have put you in this place of being wise and spiritual my writng somehow demeans that.

    trying to make sense of the myriad thoughts bubling round my brain is not easy. I have no idea if i’m making any sense at all.

    I’ll stop now cause I don’t know what else to say except i value my relationship with you and my comment was not meant in any way to cause offence. And i apologise if i have done so.

    mx

  15. Grace says:

    Hello, Bill :)

    If it’s ok with you, perhaps we can just say, “I’ll see you later.”

    Because we will.

    Love,
    Janece
    aka, Grace

  16. Rachel says:

    Hi Bill
    I am glad that you had the foresight to think of that- as hard as it may have been. I think I would find it difficult.

    and I agree with Grace’s words- it’s not goodbye, just “see you later”!

    thankyou for all your prayers- Kate is awake!! :) Praise God

    God Bless you
    love Rachel xoxo

  17. Estefanía says:

    I´d like to give a small gift.. for those who like to have laughter as something to always cherish and/or look for,

    “Dad at Comedy Barn”

  18. mel says:

    *chuckling and giggling*

    Oh, Estefania…..what a wonderful gift to give on a Thursday morning!
    Thank you, thank you, THANK you!
    *chuckling*

  19. Bill Howdle says:

    Estefania, laughter is the best medicine sometime. Thank you for sharing this, it brought many laughs. Mel I am glad you enjoyed it also.
    Bill

  20. Bill Howdle says:

    Pradapixie. I too value our on line friendship. The content of what you choose to put on your own blog is not for me to judge.Please don’t limit your writings to what you feel, I will approve of or disapprove of. You share your thoughts and your feelings as you see fit and is in your heart.
    Our on line friendship or any friendship should not be based on one needing the approval of another or restricted based on fear of disapproval.
    Have a good day my friend

    Grace/Rachel I am looking forward to seeing you later. OK, I am still hoping for both sides it is years later, but l will be seeing you.
    Bill

  21. Simonne says:

    Bill, I read pradapixie’s comment and then read her story and have just read this and just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are. You have left some lovely and insightful comments on my blog and it’s hardly a site that many men, especially old-fart-bankers like you ;) frequent or feel inclined to join in on. I so appreciated your open-mindedness and your capacity for acceptance and generosity to all people, whatever stage they’re at, or whatever their beliefs and passions are.
    Pradapixie – I’ve tried a few times to post a comment on your site and for some reason it won’t let me do it – so I have to talk to you here (sorry Bill!). I think your erotic fiction was a wonderful shift from your other writing and a powerful thing to do. I commend you for it. Isn’t is amazing how we often want love and approval from the father figure? I posted something the other day and did wonder when I hit ‘publish’ what Bill would think! I’ve never even met him, he’s half the world away, and there I was thinking that! But, there he was the next day, supportive and encouraging as usual. Be proud of the post and of the wild-woman that we all have inside of us.
    Simonne x

  22. tony says:

    good article thank you

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