Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My life experiences

June 29, 2007

I thank everyone that responded to my questions yesterday. I hope more will, I find it so interesting what others think. I know that many of the questions can only be answered with an opinion but that is all I am looking for.

Rachel, you caught it. My “trick” question, it was Noah that built the Ark and not Moses. I am going to try to respond to each comment individually and then in a few days will post my opinions on all. In the interim I do hope to hear the opinions of others.

Many have asked me to possibly share some of my life experiences. Experiences, that I feel may have led to my current health conditions. I am going to start doing that with the idea, I hope others will see the error of my ways and not follow in my foot steps.

Really my story is no different than that of many others. Poor life choises, not following a healthy diet, not getting enough exercise and allowing to much stress to enter my life. With the stress I suppose I mean not being able to deal with it in a healthy way and instead internalizing to much. You carry to much like that inside of you and it will effect you in some way often it seems as is my case via your health.

Not the healthiest of diets and lack of exercise are things that are pretty much self explanatory so I will write about some of the stresses in my life that I feel added to or compounded the situation. Stress is a killer never doubt that. Maybe by writing about these things it will also help me to understand and get a better grasp on situations and even release a little negativity I do still hold in some cases. This negativity is still currently causing me some stress, I do need to let it go.

I am going to try and write about some of the most stressful times in my life, how I dealt with it, the effect it had on me and now looking back maybe I can see a way I could have dealt with things in a more positive or healthier way.

I will write about individual situations but for today I will give a broad statement about how I gave way to much importance to job and career to the detriment of all others aspects of my life, including my health. I just look back now and shake my head thinking how ridiculous and silly I was.

Health and family should always, always come first. Only to late did the real importance of that come.

Vi has just come to get me. We have been having an ongoing “dispute”. She has been trying to drag me to the hospital for the past 3 days. My shortness of breath has really been getting worse the past few weeks. Today, I have to agree with her, I think it is time to just go and check out the pretty nurses.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Questions, please give your opinion

June 28, 2007

Not feeling at all well today, just going to ask some questions to any and all that read this. Some are religious, some are just me wondering. I look forward to hearing from you. For Biblical questions, it is not that I am questioning the words of the greatest book ever written I am looking for understanding. Just for fun I am going to put in a trick in a serious question just to see who catches it.

1. who wrote the old testament or where does it originally come from?

2. Originally there was Adam and Eve. They had sons, who then took wives. Where did the wives come from?

3. When the world was flooded, Moses built the ark and gather all the animals. OK was the entire world flooded or just the world as was known to the people then. Being the entire area surrounding them which to them would indeed seem like the world. If it was the entire world how did he get the animals from say Australia?

4. In the Old testament it talks of people living for hundreds of years. Was the term used for a year then the same as it is now, or did they have a different time measurement for what made up a year?

5. What are the thoughts beliefs and customs of other cultures and faiths regarding regarding passing?

6. Has anyone really ever seen an Angel or other entity ghosts etc.

7. Do you believe some mediums etc. do have the ability to communicate with those that have passed?

8. Death is something we will all face at some time, why is it such a taboo subject? Is it fear of the unknown?

9. To all of the great faiths, Christians, Hindus, Muslims….. Is Heaven strictly restricted to members of your faith?

10. Am I really accomplishing anything with this journal?

I have my own thoughts on each of these and will post them soon, when my head is a little clearer.

Did you catch the little “trick” I threw into the one question? Please give you opinion or thoughts on any or all.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – words to say goodbye

June 26, 2007

God put on another beautiful light show for us last night. I love watching these storms but am getting really tired of all the rain and the high humidity caused by all the moisture. Breathing becomes so much more difficult. It is amazing how our bodies and our minds adjust to the situation. Often I will not even realize I am huffing and puffing until Vi or someone mentions it.

I shouldn’t complain though, there are many others facing much more difficult times than just shortness of breath.

This year with this weather, tornadoes have become more of a factor, than what seems to me, as being more than normal. Homes have been destroyed lives changed forever by a few minutes of violent weather. Thankfully, that I am aware of no lives have been lost.

Yesterday, I received a comment from my friend pradapixie. In it she asked a very good question. I appreciate the straight to the point, no beating around the bush, wording she has used. Have I made any arrangements for my friends in the blogging world to be notified when the journal is done, when I have passed to the spiritual world. So in effect people are not left wondering, if suddenly the posting stops. Yes, I have.

Here on the blog I have 2 saved posts, one is just called testing. I use this one for when I was experimenting trying to upload pictures, set links etc.

The other one is title Vi (wife) speaks. When that message appears it will signal the end of the journal. I will have passed from the physical to the spiritual world, or am incapable of posting anymore. Originally, I had thought of it as just being a simple note giving times and dates etc.. At different times I have gone into that post wanting to write a final thank you and say good bye to all my blogging friends. I did that again yesterday and I am finding I am having such a struggle to find the right words or really any words.

I have to ask myself how can this be. The vast majority of people here on the blog are strangers, people I have never met. How could it be hard to leave a message saying good bye to a stranger. I came to realize how really important everyone here has become to me. I mean really what is a stranger, just a new friend you haven’t met yet.I have met many new friends here in the blogging world, and I obviously have come to care about each and everyone.

This has been a good learning experience for me. Saying the final good bye will always be hard, I know that. Maybe that is why I don’t want to say it. Plus, there is the fact I truly do not believe it is really good bye, it is more like I will see you later, in a much better place.

Yesterday, I read a very touching post by my good blogging friend Sister Julie. She writes of her final visit with a dying friend, another nun. She was not even sure if her friend knew of her presence, but wanted to say some final words. She writes of being unable to find any words, so instead began to pray the Hail Mary aloud. At times the friend joined in with a word or two, making obvious she was aware of Sister Julies presence. I am sure hearing the prayer at that time was a blessing well received. I am also sure just the knowing Sister Julie was at her side was a huge blessing. What regular words could anyone say compared to the feeling of being loved. Mere words are not always necessary, when you feel the love of someone at your side.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Niece

June 25, 2007

Yesterday was both a wonderful day and a tough day both at the same time.

Wonderful in that it was my daughter, Billie’s birthday. It was like I was able to somehow go back in time and relive the feelings of the time. The panic, the excitement and the ultimate feeling of love that came with that day. That was wonderful.

Yesterday afternoon I was bless by a visit from my niece Sara. We chatted the afternoon away, so nice. Sara, has an amazing maturity for some one so young. We often get into very deep thought provoking conversations. She is a young lady that has a lot of depth to her soul and to her thinking. In the middle of September Sara will be leaving us. She won a very prestigious scholarship to attend a university in Germany. I am very happy for her, but sad for the rest of us, her family as she will be gone for the entire school year and will be missed.

Here is a picture of my nephew Eric (jr), my brother Eric and niece Sara.

My nephew Eric has just taken on a new career as a forest fire fighter. I will definitely be writing more about him in the near future.

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As I am typing this a thought has just popped into my head. In some ways, Sara leaving as she is could be an analogy for what I have expressed as my thoughts about dying. We are all happy about this big adventure Sara is going on, something she has always wanted. But we the ones left behind will be sad and mourn her absence. Huh, when you think of it that way, it is a pretty accurate comparable.

With all of this going on, how could it have been a tough day? When the humidity is high, in the past I have heard people speak of the air being thick. At the time i really couldn’t understand what they meant. Now I do. Here in Winnipeg, we have had so much rain over the past month. In fact there is a thunder storm going on right now.

With all of this moisture, when we have a warmer day the humidity get unreal. The air does become what feels like as thick, so difficult to breathe. If I go outside on a day like that and even just sitting down I am gasping and panting within a minute or two. Ah, what am I complaining about, it gives me an excuse to sit inside the nice air conditioned house and be lazy.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy Birthday Billie

June 24, 2007

Today is a special day in our family. My daughter Billie is celebrating a birthday. I had just put in a line commenting on the number of candles on her birthday cake. But then I thought of how some ladies don’t like their age revealed. Yes Billie, memory guy here does remember the number. In fact I have a very clear memory of that special day.

You came into the world at 1:19am. which officially made you 1 hour and 19 minutes over due. I remember that evening having friends over, playing cards and watching your mothers stomach, waiting for something to happen. They left about midnight, disappointed that there were no signs of anything happening.

We got ready for bed, your mother decided to have a quick shower just in case. I did my bedtime routine and climbed into bed. It was about 1/2 hour later say about 12:40am your mother woke me up. Our conversation went something like this.

mom. “I just went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of show. Do you think we should go to the hospital?”

me: “uh, uh, gee uh. how far apart are your contractions and what is show?

mom: “Have had no contractions and explained show.

me: “all our classes talked about contractions and how far apart they should be before we go to the hospital.”

It only actually took a few minutes and feeling it was better to be safe than sorry off we went. Now the Health Sciences Center is a big complex with different building and numerous entrances and at that time I still didn’t know the city very well. Wanting to be a good father to be, a week or so earlier I had driven the route so I would know exactly where to go. Everything was fine until we got to with in about 2 or 3 blocks of the hospital. What appeared before me, ROAD CONSTRUCTION, my route was completely blocked. I think panic would have set in, except there had still been no contractions, none.

Needless to say after only a couple of minutes I found our way and arrived at the right entrance. I got your mother out of the car and into the hospital. She was doing perfectly fine, so I ran head about 20 steps or so to tell the nurses at the desk. “My wife is having a baby”

The nurse calmly replied asking: “how far apart are her contractions”?

I will never forget the look on the nurses face, when I replied in my usual articulate manner: “well uh, uh, she hasn’t actually had any”. I remember a big clock on the wall proclaiming it to be 1:01 am. Your mother then very calmly stated her water had just broken. With that the place suddenly became a bee hive of activity. She was rushed down the hall, with me hot on the trail. A doctor is paged and I am asked to go to the father’s waiting room. I will be called as soon as the doctor has done his examination. This waiting room happened to be directly across the hall, so even I in my now with my increasing panic was able to find it.

I had literally no more than just sat down when the nurse came running in, saying if you want to be in the delivery room you had better come now and hurry. In the hall, I can see your mother being wheeled out of the room. Another nurse hands me what I now understand are called scrubs and points to a linen closet saying you can change in there. I done the scrubs as quickly as I can and out into an empty hallway I come. Now I had seen the general direction they were going, but exact destination was unknown. Now I am nearing full panic, I so wanted to be in the delivery room. Thankfully one of the nurses was watching for me as I came running down the hallway.

I got in there in time to hear the doctor say, “one or two more pushes and the baby will be here”. I went to your mother but it was very obvious she was past caring about our breathing and my coaching. Understandably she was a little distracted by what she was doing. Her being so engaged I wandered down to the business end of the table. I got there just as the final push was underway and saw the most beautiful baby I had ever seen come into this world.

I was so lucky so blessed. I suppose it was because I was standing right there, but as soon as you came into this world the doctor wrapped you in an appropriately place blanket and put you in my arms. I got to hold you while, I am not even sure what they did, I was just lost in my own little world of love. How long it was I have no idea, seconds likely but I was told to place you on your mothers tummy.

How can one little baby and a screaming one at that have the power to melt your heart so completely. I don’t know, but Billie that is what you did to me and still do.

Happy Birthday

I love you

Dad.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Improve the blog

June 23, 2007

It is hot and very humid here in Winnipeg, especially the humidity makes it more difficult to breathe. I can see another day of being tucked away in the house with the AC blasting. Thank goodness for air conditioning.

A couple of days ago I received a comment from Ed. I thank you Ed. Ed offered some constructive suggestions for the blog. When I first read his comment, I thought, well I thought that is what I am doing. Now understand I am grateful to Ed for taking the time to comment and leave his suggestions and I take it in a positive way. I can hardly take acception to something that is said that I absolutely agree with.

Ed suggested that I could open up and share my feelings, my beliefs and share my wisdom (not sure about the wisdom part, not sure what I can share) and to ask for your opinions. I had thought I was doing that. Ed I really do thank you as you made me realize, yes I have shared all of that but much of it may be months ago. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to read back through that many postings, I know I would not want to.

I realize of late I have sort of drifted off topic or what was the purpose of me starting this journal. Yes, it is my daily journal, but I had hoped to take it beyond just a daily journal and to help others with it.

What are my goals:

- be my daily journal, sharing my general thoughts and feelings. Allowing all but especially my family get an understand of who exactly is the inner me.

- provide support to and possibly help others in my situation. Help to understand, just because we have had the word dying attached to us by the medical profession, doesn’t mean we have to stop living today.

- show through my experiences that with the faith and support system I have in place, this process doesn’t have to be a really scary one.

- help the families by possibly giving them some idea of what their loved one is going through.

- encourage loved ones to spend as much time as possible with the loved one. Not to fear or dread that time, fear being possibly out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

- Encourage all to live every day in the very best way they can. This to avoid being filled with regrets when your time will ultimately come.

- mourn not what you are loosing, instead celebrate what you had.

Those were and still are my lofty ambitions. I do realize of late I have drifted away from most except the my journal part. I do want to get back on track.

Ed also suggested I ask for your opinions, so here it is. What is your opinion? You have my objectives or hopes listed. What can I do to come closer to achieving them. Please don’t be shy all opinions are welcome.

I look forward to hearing from you

Bill


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Todays Special Comment

June 23, 2007

Not feeling so well today and won’t say a lot. Other than please read the wonderful comment sent in by pradapixie. It is a poem she wrote just before the passing of her mother. So filled with love and yet the pain is really and obvious.

Pradapixie says she is not in a good place and needs a cry, maybe we can give her a few shoulders to cry on.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Generations

June 21, 2007

Yesterday was one of my really wonkie head days. So I didn’t make it on to the computer, it is just so hard to concentrate or even just think straight, so I just relaxed.

Yesterday I would have written about the major thunder storm we had the night before. Must have been a lightening strike somewhere as our electricity was out for 5 or 6 hours. We both love watching those storms. Our front step is protected by a large overhanging eave and we will often just go out and enjoy the light show being put on by God. The sheer power contained in some of those storms can make me realize how small and powerless I actually am in the overall big picture.

I have written about how when we returned from visiting my daughter, we found our lawn had been freshly mowed. We found out it was Art our next door neighbor. Thank you Art. We really couldn’t have asked for any better neighbors than we have. Art is the same guy that comes over in the winter and uses his snow blower to clear our sidewalks for us. Such a blessing and a great help to us. Art is one of our heroes and I am going to try and get a picture to post here, let the world see what a hero looks like.

Yesterday a few of the words of a song kept rattling around in my head. It is a country song, I can’t remember the name of the song or the singer. But the lyrics speak of longing for yesterday, when a ho was a hoe, when coke was something you drink. I wonder if it is a generational thing. I look back and think life was so much simpler then. But then I wonder was it, I wonder if I could get the thoughts of my father when he was my age. Would he be looking back thinking, things used to be so much simpler and easier. I think likely he would have been. I am sure there was just as much pressure and stress back then, maybe just from a different source. There was also just as much joy, happiness and love. The world changes, we adapt and carry on, everything changes but then in some ways nothing changes.

I read somewhere, in life pain, suffering and grief are inevitable, misery is optional. The same applies today as it has at all times in the past. Misery is optional, our circumstances don’t make us happy or unhappy. It is how we deal with those circumstances that determine how we feel internally. That is so easy to say but so hard at times to do.

I am getting better at this. There was a time when if someone even a stranger on the street made some sort of rude or what I felt was an inappropriate comment, I would get all in a flap. I allowed it at times to change my mood and at times even spoil my entire day. I look back now and realize how silly that all was. Why would I allow even a stranger who happened to be in a bad mood to pass his bad mood on to me. When I think of it that way, it really doesn’t make any sense at all, but I used to allow my mood to be determined by my surroundings or happenings.

I am so grateful to be mostly past that silliness. I remember taking training courses with the bank years ago. They talked of having monkeys on your shoulders. A monkey representing a problem and of how people so often want to rid themselves of problems (monkeys) by letting them jump from their shoulders to mine. The monkey jumped and, suddenly their problem suddenly became mine. This is something I have struggled with all of my life, taking on the problems of others allowing them to become mine. Thankfully, I have reached the point where I can often think to myself. “OK, whose problem is this anyway? If it is not mine I will not take it on as mine, I will help in anyway I can but at the same time recognize who this monkey belongs to.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Me Judgemental???

June 19, 2007

Vi and I are home and have quickly settled into our regular routines. She is out in her flower gardens and here I at the computer. We have received further confirmation that earth Angels are among us. When we left for Shauna’s our lawn needed mowing. We had received so much rain it was just to wet to cut. We were gone for 4 days and we (Vi) was dreading how long it would be by that time. We return and find the lawn freshly mowed. An anonymous act of kindness for which we are so grateful. Thank you to our mystery helper.

Vi loves her gardening and has such a green thumb. I have to share a few pictures. It is quite early in our Canadian growing season, but she has the backyard beautiful already.

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My little honey in front of the mock orange, not in full bloom yet

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I am feeling good right at the moment. If a little shortness of breath is my biggest complaint I have it pretty good.

A special hi to my son-in-law Jake who I see left a comment here this morning. Shauna got herself a very good man.

I am sitting here feeling a little ashamed of myself. Yesterday, I wrote of a comment I received that wasn’t all that flattering. I like to say as I sit here that I did not take it personally nor was I offended by it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion about everything including me and this blog. My mind keeps going back to that comment, not the actual comment or the message contained in it, but my reaction to it.

I didn’t like or agree with what someone else had to say, so I deleted it. I regretted that choice, about 1 second after hitting the delete button. I wonder now how many times in life someone has stated an opinion different than my own and I on hearing it just hit a mental delete button, invalidating and erasing their opinion. How judgemental of me, to just know my opinion is the right one and that anyone that disagrees is obviously wrong. I will just mentally delete any comments thoughts or ideas that are not in direct line with my own.

I have to wonder, back over my life time how many, thoughts, ideas, things or even people may I have just brushed aside as they didn’t conform with my norm. People I really hope not.

No ones opinion is less important or less valuable than that of anyone else. No one race, color, culture of religion is less than or greater than the next.

I thank who ever sent me that comment, it has really made me more aware of who I am. You have helped me, I just hope I can return the favor some time.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Father’s Day

June 19, 2007

Vi and I are back home after spending a wonderful week end with my daughter Shauna and her hubby Jake. Every weekend we spend there is just as wonderful. They have a small acreage just outside of Altona. It is always so peaceful and serene. As always we were treated like royalty.

I hope all fathers had a great day yesterday. But I hope all fathers instead of just looking at as a day in which to be honored by family, also took it as a day to look at themselves. Take a deep look inside of ourselves, think of the job we are doing as fathers. Bask in the glory of the day but also celebrate our successes and learn from our mistakes in the past. Vow to be the best father I can in the upcoming year and MEAN IT.

Saturday night, Jake showed his mastery of the BBQ. Both chicken and ribs done to perfection.

Jake’s parents Abe and Mary joined us together with his 2 sisters Judy and Susan together with Susan’s 3 wonderful children Bradley, Vanessa and Kristen. Such a nice family time. Notice how us guys get the credit for a wonderful job on the BBQ and the resulting taste. When in fact all we do is stand in front of the BBQ watching it cook and turn it over once in a while. Shauna did the real background work preparing the meat and baked potatoes. Us, guys we do the easy part just standing in front of the BBQ and claim all the credit. Shauna it was excellent.

I did indeed get to drive the riding lawn mower, having so much fun I even just lapped the yard a few times before I lowered the cutting blade.

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They have a 4 wheel all terrain vehicle, sort of a motor cycle but with 4 wheels. Shauna took Vi on a couple of rides and I think Vi has become a really motor cycle babe.

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Jake showed us how a GUY ride the 4 wheeler.

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Shauna and Jake took Vi fishing, which is something I love to do. I just had to pass being just to tired. Fish weren’t being cooperative but they had a good time, I had a good nap.

It was really sad for me saying our good byes this morning but off to work they went and homeward bound were we. Arrived home in time for my nap and here I am now.

I have been absent from the blog for a few days and will have to do a lot of visiting other sites to get caught up on all my friends.

This morning though I quickly checked for comments and was surprised by one. Actually there were 2 comments one obviously spam, which I deleted and the second I quickly read and thought it was just nonsense and I deleted it also. Now I am sorry I deleted the second comment. Now being memory guy I am not exactly sure of the wording but it was something to the effect “your blog is nothing but a waste of time on the internet, why don’t you just die”.

Now I am wondering, did I just automatically delete it as I didn’t like what this person had to say. I have been thinking about this, now I am not bothered by the comment. I would just reply. If you don’t like my blog, DON’T read it. I have been thinking about it because it just really confirms a life lesson to me. This was actually something I learned quite a while back, no matter what, no matter how hard you try you are never going to please everyone. The sooner we accept that the better off we are and the happier and more content in life we will be.


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