Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My life experiences

June 29, 2007

I thank everyone that responded to my questions yesterday. I hope more will, I find it so interesting what others think. I know that many of the questions can only be answered with an opinion but that is all I am looking for.

Rachel, you caught it. My “trick” question, it was Noah that built the Ark and not Moses. I am going to try to respond to each comment individually and then in a few days will post my opinions on all. In the interim I do hope to hear the opinions of others.

Many have asked me to possibly share some of my life experiences. Experiences, that I feel may have led to my current health conditions. I am going to start doing that with the idea, I hope others will see the error of my ways and not follow in my foot steps.

Really my story is no different than that of many others. Poor life choises, not following a healthy diet, not getting enough exercise and allowing to much stress to enter my life. With the stress I suppose I mean not being able to deal with it in a healthy way and instead internalizing to much. You carry to much like that inside of you and it will effect you in some way often it seems as is my case via your health.

Not the healthiest of diets and lack of exercise are things that are pretty much self explanatory so I will write about some of the stresses in my life that I feel added to or compounded the situation. Stress is a killer never doubt that. Maybe by writing about these things it will also help me to understand and get a better grasp on situations and even release a little negativity I do still hold in some cases. This negativity is still currently causing me some stress, I do need to let it go.

I am going to try and write about some of the most stressful times in my life, how I dealt with it, the effect it had on me and now looking back maybe I can see a way I could have dealt with things in a more positive or healthier way.

I will write about individual situations but for today I will give a broad statement about how I gave way to much importance to job and career to the detriment of all others aspects of my life, including my health. I just look back now and shake my head thinking how ridiculous and silly I was.

Health and family should always, always come first. Only to late did the real importance of that come.

Vi has just come to get me. We have been having an ongoing “dispute”. She has been trying to drag me to the hospital for the past 3 days. My shortness of breath has really been getting worse the past few weeks. Today, I have to agree with her, I think it is time to just go and check out the pretty nurses.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Questions, please give your opinion

June 28, 2007

Not feeling at all well today, just going to ask some questions to any and all that read this. Some are religious, some are just me wondering. I look forward to hearing from you. For Biblical questions, it is not that I am questioning the words of the greatest book ever written I am looking for understanding. Just for fun I am going to put in a trick in a serious question just to see who catches it.

1. who wrote the old testament or where does it originally come from?

2. Originally there was Adam and Eve. They had sons, who then took wives. Where did the wives come from?

3. When the world was flooded, Moses built the ark and gather all the animals. OK was the entire world flooded or just the world as was known to the people then. Being the entire area surrounding them which to them would indeed seem like the world. If it was the entire world how did he get the animals from say Australia?

4. In the Old testament it talks of people living for hundreds of years. Was the term used for a year then the same as it is now, or did they have a different time measurement for what made up a year?

5. What are the thoughts beliefs and customs of other cultures and faiths regarding regarding passing?

6. Has anyone really ever seen an Angel or other entity ghosts etc.

7. Do you believe some mediums etc. do have the ability to communicate with those that have passed?

8. Death is something we will all face at some time, why is it such a taboo subject? Is it fear of the unknown?

9. To all of the great faiths, Christians, Hindus, Muslims….. Is Heaven strictly restricted to members of your faith?

10. Am I really accomplishing anything with this journal?

I have my own thoughts on each of these and will post them soon, when my head is a little clearer.

Did you catch the little “trick” I threw into the one question? Please give you opinion or thoughts on any or all.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – words to say goodbye

June 26, 2007

God put on another beautiful light show for us last night. I love watching these storms but am getting really tired of all the rain and the high humidity caused by all the moisture. Breathing becomes so much more difficult. It is amazing how our bodies and our minds adjust to the situation. Often I will not even realize I am huffing and puffing until Vi or someone mentions it.

I shouldn’t complain though, there are many others facing much more difficult times than just shortness of breath.

This year with this weather, tornadoes have become more of a factor, than what seems to me, as being more than normal. Homes have been destroyed lives changed forever by a few minutes of violent weather. Thankfully, that I am aware of no lives have been lost.

Yesterday, I received a comment from my friend pradapixie. In it she asked a very good question. I appreciate the straight to the point, no beating around the bush, wording she has used. Have I made any arrangements for my friends in the blogging world to be notified when the journal is done, when I have passed to the spiritual world. So in effect people are not left wondering, if suddenly the posting stops. Yes, I have.

Here on the blog I have 2 saved posts, one is just called testing. I use this one for when I was experimenting trying to upload pictures, set links etc.

The other one is title Vi (wife) speaks. When that message appears it will signal the end of the journal. I will have passed from the physical to the spiritual world, or am incapable of posting anymore. Originally, I had thought of it as just being a simple note giving times and dates etc.. At different times I have gone into that post wanting to write a final thank you and say good bye to all my blogging friends. I did that again yesterday and I am finding I am having such a struggle to find the right words or really any words.

I have to ask myself how can this be. The vast majority of people here on the blog are strangers, people I have never met. How could it be hard to leave a message saying good bye to a stranger. I came to realize how really important everyone here has become to me. I mean really what is a stranger, just a new friend you haven’t met yet.I have met many new friends here in the blogging world, and I obviously have come to care about each and everyone.

This has been a good learning experience for me. Saying the final good bye will always be hard, I know that. Maybe that is why I don’t want to say it. Plus, there is the fact I truly do not believe it is really good bye, it is more like I will see you later, in a much better place.

Yesterday, I read a very touching post by my good blogging friend Sister Julie. She writes of her final visit with a dying friend, another nun. She was not even sure if her friend knew of her presence, but wanted to say some final words. She writes of being unable to find any words, so instead began to pray the Hail Mary aloud. At times the friend joined in with a word or two, making obvious she was aware of Sister Julies presence. I am sure hearing the prayer at that time was a blessing well received. I am also sure just the knowing Sister Julie was at her side was a huge blessing. What regular words could anyone say compared to the feeling of being loved. Mere words are not always necessary, when you feel the love of someone at your side.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Niece

June 25, 2007

Yesterday was both a wonderful day and a tough day both at the same time.

Wonderful in that it was my daughter, Billie’s birthday. It was like I was able to somehow go back in time and relive the feelings of the time. The panic, the excitement and the ultimate feeling of love that came with that day. That was wonderful.

Yesterday afternoon I was bless by a visit from my niece Sara. We chatted the afternoon away, so nice. Sara, has an amazing maturity for some one so young. We often get into very deep thought provoking conversations. She is a young lady that has a lot of depth to her soul and to her thinking. In the middle of September Sara will be leaving us. She won a very prestigious scholarship to attend a university in Germany. I am very happy for her, but sad for the rest of us, her family as she will be gone for the entire school year and will be missed.

Here is a picture of my nephew Eric (jr), my brother Eric and niece Sara.

My nephew Eric has just taken on a new career as a forest fire fighter. I will definitely be writing more about him in the near future.

im001191.jpg

As I am typing this a thought has just popped into my head. In some ways, Sara leaving as she is could be an analogy for what I have expressed as my thoughts about dying. We are all happy about this big adventure Sara is going on, something she has always wanted. But we the ones left behind will be sad and mourn her absence. Huh, when you think of it that way, it is a pretty accurate comparable.

With all of this going on, how could it have been a tough day? When the humidity is high, in the past I have heard people speak of the air being thick. At the time i really couldn’t understand what they meant. Now I do. Here in Winnipeg, we have had so much rain over the past month. In fact there is a thunder storm going on right now.

With all of this moisture, when we have a warmer day the humidity get unreal. The air does become what feels like as thick, so difficult to breathe. If I go outside on a day like that and even just sitting down I am gasping and panting within a minute or two. Ah, what am I complaining about, it gives me an excuse to sit inside the nice air conditioned house and be lazy.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy Birthday Billie

June 24, 2007

Today is a special day in our family. My daughter Billie is celebrating a birthday. I had just put in a line commenting on the number of candles on her birthday cake. But then I thought of how some ladies don’t like their age revealed. Yes Billie, memory guy here does remember the number. In fact I have a very clear memory of that special day.

You came into the world at 1:19am. which officially made you 1 hour and 19 minutes over due. I remember that evening having friends over, playing cards and watching your mothers stomach, waiting for something to happen. They left about midnight, disappointed that there were no signs of anything happening.

We got ready for bed, your mother decided to have a quick shower just in case. I did my bedtime routine and climbed into bed. It was about 1/2 hour later say about 12:40am your mother woke me up. Our conversation went something like this.

mom. “I just went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of show. Do you think we should go to the hospital?”

me: “uh, uh, gee uh. how far apart are your contractions and what is show?

mom: “Have had no contractions and explained show.

me: “all our classes talked about contractions and how far apart they should be before we go to the hospital.”

It only actually took a few minutes and feeling it was better to be safe than sorry off we went. Now the Health Sciences Center is a big complex with different building and numerous entrances and at that time I still didn’t know the city very well. Wanting to be a good father to be, a week or so earlier I had driven the route so I would know exactly where to go. Everything was fine until we got to with in about 2 or 3 blocks of the hospital. What appeared before me, ROAD CONSTRUCTION, my route was completely blocked. I think panic would have set in, except there had still been no contractions, none.

Needless to say after only a couple of minutes I found our way and arrived at the right entrance. I got your mother out of the car and into the hospital. She was doing perfectly fine, so I ran head about 20 steps or so to tell the nurses at the desk. “My wife is having a baby”

The nurse calmly replied asking: “how far apart are her contractions”?

I will never forget the look on the nurses face, when I replied in my usual articulate manner: “well uh, uh, she hasn’t actually had any”. I remember a big clock on the wall proclaiming it to be 1:01 am. Your mother then very calmly stated her water had just broken. With that the place suddenly became a bee hive of activity. She was rushed down the hall, with me hot on the trail. A doctor is paged and I am asked to go to the father’s waiting room. I will be called as soon as the doctor has done his examination. This waiting room happened to be directly across the hall, so even I in my now with my increasing panic was able to find it.

I had literally no more than just sat down when the nurse came running in, saying if you want to be in the delivery room you had better come now and hurry. In the hall, I can see your mother being wheeled out of the room. Another nurse hands me what I now understand are called scrubs and points to a linen closet saying you can change in there. I done the scrubs as quickly as I can and out into an empty hallway I come. Now I had seen the general direction they were going, but exact destination was unknown. Now I am nearing full panic, I so wanted to be in the delivery room. Thankfully one of the nurses was watching for me as I came running down the hallway.

I got in there in time to hear the doctor say, “one or two more pushes and the baby will be here”. I went to your mother but it was very obvious she was past caring about our breathing and my coaching. Understandably she was a little distracted by what she was doing. Her being so engaged I wandered down to the business end of the table. I got there just as the final push was underway and saw the most beautiful baby I had ever seen come into this world.

I was so lucky so blessed. I suppose it was because I was standing right there, but as soon as you came into this world the doctor wrapped you in an appropriately place blanket and put you in my arms. I got to hold you while, I am not even sure what they did, I was just lost in my own little world of love. How long it was I have no idea, seconds likely but I was told to place you on your mothers tummy.

How can one little baby and a screaming one at that have the power to melt your heart so completely. I don’t know, but Billie that is what you did to me and still do.

Happy Birthday

I love you

Dad.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Improve the blog

June 23, 2007

It is hot and very humid here in Winnipeg, especially the humidity makes it more difficult to breathe. I can see another day of being tucked away in the house with the AC blasting. Thank goodness for air conditioning.

A couple of days ago I received a comment from Ed. I thank you Ed. Ed offered some constructive suggestions for the blog. When I first read his comment, I thought, well I thought that is what I am doing. Now understand I am grateful to Ed for taking the time to comment and leave his suggestions and I take it in a positive way. I can hardly take acception to something that is said that I absolutely agree with.

Ed suggested that I could open up and share my feelings, my beliefs and share my wisdom (not sure about the wisdom part, not sure what I can share) and to ask for your opinions. I had thought I was doing that. Ed I really do thank you as you made me realize, yes I have shared all of that but much of it may be months ago. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to read back through that many postings, I know I would not want to.

I realize of late I have sort of drifted off topic or what was the purpose of me starting this journal. Yes, it is my daily journal, but I had hoped to take it beyond just a daily journal and to help others with it.

What are my goals:

- be my daily journal, sharing my general thoughts and feelings. Allowing all but especially my family get an understand of who exactly is the inner me.

- provide support to and possibly help others in my situation. Help to understand, just because we have had the word dying attached to us by the medical profession, doesn’t mean we have to stop living today.

- show through my experiences that with the faith and support system I have in place, this process doesn’t have to be a really scary one.

- help the families by possibly giving them some idea of what their loved one is going through.

- encourage loved ones to spend as much time as possible with the loved one. Not to fear or dread that time, fear being possibly out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

- Encourage all to live every day in the very best way they can. This to avoid being filled with regrets when your time will ultimately come.

- mourn not what you are loosing, instead celebrate what you had.

Those were and still are my lofty ambitions. I do realize of late I have drifted away from most except the my journal part. I do want to get back on track.

Ed also suggested I ask for your opinions, so here it is. What is your opinion? You have my objectives or hopes listed. What can I do to come closer to achieving them. Please don’t be shy all opinions are welcome.

I look forward to hearing from you

Bill


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Todays Special Comment

June 23, 2007

Not feeling so well today and won’t say a lot. Other than please read the wonderful comment sent in by pradapixie. It is a poem she wrote just before the passing of her mother. So filled with love and yet the pain is really and obvious.

Pradapixie says she is not in a good place and needs a cry, maybe we can give her a few shoulders to cry on.


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